am experiencing dis-ease this evening. Not sure why that is. Some anxiousness – some sadness. Busy day at work providing distractions. Now left with myself again. I don’t know which direction to go in so am going to trust the process for this evening. What’s up with this? Maybe too much people interaction today and not enough me interaction. It is work so that is what needs to happen.
The pain of knife cutting through me is gone. Probably a result of processing. I am pleased with that because it was painful.
Tonight. Tonight there are a lot of different feelings and experiences. I so much wanted to walk tonight. First time in a long time and it is raining outside!!!! Oh well. Tomorrow is another day.
Me: God what is next? I am not sure what direction to go in tonight. I am amazed at this process and what is happening with me. I feel my soul is healing. I don’t want to rush it to create it. I don’t want to control it or fight it. So I ask you, where to next?
God: I am glad you are experiencing what you are experiencing with the healing. It is amazing and your soul is healing. There is some more left to do. Talk to me about the sadness.
Me: It is a general sadness. Sadness for the suffering. Sadness for the illusions. Sadness for a life wasted. Sadness in letting go. Sadness.
God: Your life is not wasted. Your life is a gift and an opening for so many people – for so many experiences. The fruits of your suffering is what so many desire but most are unwilling to go through the level of suffering you chose. Embrace your life. Embrace your journey. Embrace all of you. The sadness is important to feel. Letting go? Letting go of what?
Me: I am not sure what I am letting go of. It doesn’t seem to be connected to anything. Maybe letting go of my belief system about myself. Letting go of control. Saying goodbye to my parts. Sadness for the memories.
God: Allow the sadness. I don’t see tears or an expression of deep sorrow.
Me: I feel the tears inside and they just aren’t expressed on the outside. I’ve cried so much during this process perhaps there are no more tears. Sorrow? There is a deep sorrow but it is deep inside.
God: What is keeping you from experiencing the sorrow?
Me: I do experience it. I just am not expressing it.
Me: Maybe. Maybe just don’t want to experience a sorrow I can’t change or fix.
Me: No not really but then again I haven’t been in contact with father or mother.
Me: I accept the knowledge and the experience. I don’t like it but fighting it, resisting it, shelving it doesn’t change the truth or the reality. Yes I am accepting it.
God: Guilt, shame?
Me: there is a part of me still feeling guilty and shameful.
God: What part?
Me: I don’t know.
God: The sorrow is coming up now isn’t it.
Me: Yes. Sorrow for what I went through to have the outcome I wanted. Sorrow for a wasted life and I know you said my life isn’t wasted, but I missed out on so many things because of fear, because of isolation, because of no self worth or value, because of fragmentation. That is sorrowful to me.
God: Separation from the soul is deeply sorrowful. Separation from other people is deeply sorrowful. Separation from the love of one’s parents is deeply sorrowful.
Me: I can just never get my years back. I can’t.
God: You have all those years. You didn’t lose your life or lose your years. That can’t happen. It just is how your life went on this journey to give you the experience of separation and reconciliation. You’ve had a multitude of experiences in this life for separation. The part of your journey now is reconciliation. It is beautiful. No more separation like you’ve experienced. You fear that still, don’t you?
Me: Yes. I fear losing so much. I fear abandonment.
God: This is the season of reconciliation for you. Your fractured, shattered soul is healing and there is balance, harmony coming together within you. Your fear is so strong still to see the beauty of it all.
Me: It is hard to believe in something or someone when every experience has been about pain, abuse and abandonment.
God: It is over Mary. The separation is over. It is time for reconciliation. Time to bring past and present together.
Me: Is there more to look at?
God: Yes there is.
Me: How can I reconcile if I am still healing parts?
God: It is possible to do both. They are not mutually exclusive. You are doing it and not even knowing it.
Me: I don’t have many years left to live.
God: You have a full life ahead of you to live. The best is yet to come. Everything is leading to that moment. You just have to allow for the process to continue.
Me: I understand. Sometimes the sorrow is so great.
God: Yes. It is great sorrow leading to great joy. Your transformation is great. Chuck’s word: Glorious. You are glorious and soon you will know that yourself. The healing journey needs to continue to allow for all places, all parts inside of you to heal.
Me: Ok. So where to now?
God: Close your eyes and see what comes up?
God: How old are you?
Me: Around 9 or 10.
God: What happened in school when you were 9?
Me: So much humiliation.
God: You were sitting in your classroom.
Me: I was in the center row, second desk and I asked to go to the bathroom and they said no so I had to sit there. Then I didn’t even know and I peed at my desk and everyone saw me. I tried to hide it and kept telling the other kids to promise not to tell. Please don’t tell anyone. I thought I would die of embarrassment. How did that happen and I didn’t even know? The teacher kept me in at lunch time and was angry with me for being messy. She made me go to the lunchroom even though I was wet and smelled bad. I don’t even know that I did it until it was done.
God: A part of you was so scared and so upset by the sexual abuse. It was the parts way of trying to get help for you and no one recognized it. The part had been to the cabin the weekend before. We need to go back to that weekend and heal that part.
Me: It was so awful and humiliating. We all pretended it didn’t happen. I was so embarrassed.
God: Go back to the weekend to understand the part’s motivation in allowing that to happen.
Me: I am at the cabin. It is dark. Very dark. I am woozy so I think they gave me some alcohol too. There is so much smoke there. His private part is in my mouth. It is yucky and dirty. It gags me and I pull away and he puts it in more and more. it is gross. So gross and I try to throw up. My private parts hurt me. Hurt me bad. He goes away and it is gross. That is so gross. The hands on my private hurt me. Not gentle. Hurt. Owie. It hurts. Burns. I want to bathe and can’t.
God: What happens then?
Me: They go home and the father carries her into the house and puts her to bed ever so quietly so not to disturb anyone else. She doesn’t stay asleep. She gets up and takes off all her clothes and goes into the brother’s room and pees all over his floor. He yells and wakes up the mother who is very angry with her for making a mess. She takes her back to bed and spanks her bottom. It is later and she is up again. Takes her clothes off again and climbs into the tub. The water is running. The mother is up again and is very angry. The girl doesn’t know what is going on or how she ended up there.
God: she is asking for help and the mother isn’t listening. So she goes to school the next day and does it in public so somebody would help her. Nobody listens. They just want to punish her.
Me: Nobody paid attention to the truth of what was happening.
God: That is right. It happened right in front of them and they were oblivious. This part was trying to get you help and not to humiliate or shame you. She wanted someone to see.
Me: No one saw and it was right there. It was all so humiliating. Sometimes the mother would wake up and find me naked in the car.
God: That is right and you were punished.
Me: Yeah. A compassionate mother. Abandoned. I want to say left for dead because that is the way it felt. Left for dead.
God: Do you want to rescue this part.
Me: If I only knew this part. Oh it is Gina.
Gina: you know me.
Me: I do. I do now.
Gina: You see me.
Me: I feel you. I know you.
Gina: I did my best to help. They made me do bad things and I did them but I tried to help later. I did. I promise.
Me: I know you didn’t Gina. You were such a little girl and there was no way for you to take care of everything. It was the grown-ups who did it and no one could see you or hear you.
Gina: Penises are yucky.
Me: They are for you. It isn’t the penis that really hurt you. It was the people who did and the penis was the way to hurt you. Some hurt you with their hands and some their mouths. Right?
Me: So it isn’t just penis, it is the soul and heart of the people that hurt you.
Gina: Why hurt me? Was I bad?
Me: No baby you weren’t bad. The grown-ups were bad and did bad things. You were just an innocent little girl.
Gina: My privates hurt.
Me: I know they do. I am feeling that for you right now. Would you like to get dressed now?
Gina: What are you going to do about them?
Me: It is over Gina. The abuse is over. They are all dead and can’t hurt you or us. I won’t let people hurt us like that anymore. I protect you now.
Gina: Are you sure you can do that?
Me: Yes. I am grown up now and no longer a child. People know the truth now and it is over. Nothing bad like that will happen again. It is finished.
Me: Promise. Listen, there is a meadow where parts go to play with other parts. It is very safe there and no one ever hurts again. Memories are gone because I carry the memories now. You can just go to the meadow and heal and play. Amber is there and lots of other parts too. Sam is there now and likes taking care of the younger kids.
Gina: They will laugh at me for doing what I did?
Me: For having a penis in your mouth that you didn’t ask for? For having your privates hurt by an adult man? For trying to help me by peeing in different places? No, honey, no one is laughing. I am crying. Do you see my tears? I am crying because of the pain you had to go through. I am crying because you did what you did to survive and get help. You are delightful and such a blessing to me. All the parts have had to endure pain and hurt and humiliation and terror. No, no one will laugh at you. The bad people are dead and the abuse is over. Go to the meadow and you will never have to live those moments again.
Gina: Am I good enough to go to the meadow?
Me: Oh yes you are. You are perfect for the meadow. You took the abuse, you held onto the memory, you protected me when I was little and couldn’t protect myself. You are so wonderful and deserve to go to the meadow to be in the light.
Gina: I am dirty.
ME: You feel dirty. You are beautiful. Would you like to go into this pond and clean up. You don’t have to because you are perfect the way you are.
Gina: I don’t like water so much.
Me: Then let’s get some clothes on you and we will go to the meadow.
I help Gina dress and I take her hand. I am aware of how little her hand is in mine and I am amazed how this little girl tried so hard to be big and take care of me. I hold her hand tightly. I am feeling a little sad letting Gina go to the meadow.
Me: Gina: Look. Look at the meadow. What do you see?
Gina: I see kids playing. It is very light and there are flowers. I see two elephants and there is amber.
Me: Do you want to go there Gina?
Gina: What if they laugh. Maybe I stay with you.
Me: Gina. I promise no one will laugh at you. I would love for you to stay with me but then you wouldn’t get to be healed and be alive in the meadow.
Gina: Will you walk me in?
Me: I can’t go into the meadow right now as much as I want. I can walk you to the edge and then Amber can take you the rest of the way.
Amber approaches. I take Gina in my arms and give her a big hug. So much pain and abandonment and shame. Amber comes and walks into the meadow. No one laughs at Gina. I look at all of them there and long to be with them and understand that is not my place to be.
God: You seem so sad.
Me: I feel sad letting Gina go. I wanted to keep her close to me and protect her but I know that if I did that she would always remember and always live her memories. I have a tenderness for all my parts, but Gina was different somehow. Maybe because she risked humiliation to get help and then no help came. She was so brave and yet so much a child.
God: You did good letting her go to the meadow. You were right to do it. She needs to be free of shame and guilt. Are you feeling it now?
Me: I’ve always felt shame and guilt. Embarrassed. Easily humiliated. So many instances of humiliation.
God: That part of you is being healed. Can you allow healing to flow into those places – all the dark places?
Me: It is happening. It is in process.
I am crying as the sadness flows through me. I feel so sad for Gina. I feel so sad for all of the parts and memories. Something about Gina makes me feel so sad. She risked humiliation to get help for me as a little girl and no one listened. She is strong and I am grateful to her. I feel her sadness and learned helplessness. Helpless no more. I am here now and an adult and powerful and no one gets to hurt us again. It is over. The abuse is over. I don’t have to fight everyone in my life. I just know how to take care of myself now. No more abuse.
Me: I have to go to sleep.
God: Rest well.