It was a short night again. Woke up this morning with a couple of memories and just not time or desire to process. Been sad today. Reality. So what the fuck. I’ve had a headache all day and so tired. Sometimes I just feel like I am going to burst in tears. Then I have this part who is just screaming at me for doing this process and worse yet sharing it with Chuck. Then I have this part who wants to get all religious and say thousands of hail marys so as not to go to hell. Then this other part who is repeating mother’s voice “if people really knew you, they wouldn’t like you.” On and on and on and on. So what rabbit trail do I go down tonight?
God: You have a lot going on as you have stirred up a lot on the inside recalling memories and experiences and taking them away from other parts and having them go to the meadow to heal. This is normal. What is great is you are not dealing with it in the same ways you have in the past. You are not stuffing your face, taking meds, over-exercising, working every hour, hurting yourself, having sex, expressing anger. This is you dealing with it and it isn’t easy. Hearing, seeing, feeling experiencing all of this and the reaction inside is a lot. You need to be extra careful with yourself right now.
Me: I don’t want to hear I am loved or cared about or valued or any of it.
God: Because you don’t feel that for yourself?
Me: Not tonight. I just don’t believe it.
God: Why not?
Me: Past experience. It is only for moments in time and then the moments are gone.
God: Hard for you to believe in anything other than you will be hurt, you will be abandoned, you will be shamed, you will be humiliated, you are unlovable, you are unworthy.
Me: Perhaps tonight it is. Yesterday I did and then it was gone. Tonight I feel ugly and shameful and like I am and the world is better off if I weren’t part of it. Broken dreams that I didn’t know were dreams.
God: Do you think this is you or is this a part of you?
God: Look inside and then answer the question.
Me: There is a part, but there is no name to this part.
God: That is okay.
Me: This is the part who is yelling at me to be quiet and not talk and not tell anyone anything and is royally angry for sharing with Chuck and for taking parts to the meadow. He wants to stay in the box and would prefer not to come out.
God: Go in and take the box off of the shelf and stay in the closet. Open the box and let’s explore the box.
I go into the closet and take the box off the shelf and set it on the conference room table. I open the box and this thick black dust cloud rises out of it. I move away from it because it is very powerful and uncomfortable. It is rage.
Me: There is so much rage in this box and it isn’t so pretty.
God: You do have a lot of rage but deny it. Instead you turn against yourself. You hurt yourself in a myriad of ways that you don’t even acknowledge. Rage is good turned away from yourself. You punish yourself for being human for being a victim of other people’s choices.
Me: I have a hard time with rage. I will hurt other people and I don’t want to do that. Rage came out at the wrong times and hurt people around me. I don’t like rage.
God: You reject rage without understanding rage. Aren’t you doing the same thing to this part of yourself that your mother did to you?
Me: Perhaps but rage had to go. There was no value to rage.
God: You saw no value in this part of yourself? If you see no value in your parts even those you are uncomfortable with, how will you ever learn to value yourself?
Me: There was no value. It was inappropriate to express and the expression of it always, always led to more pain for me.
God: You are taking showers right now that is so hot the skin is bright red and it burns. Is that not rage?
Me: That is me trying to wash off all the uncleanliness to get it off of me and out of me.
God: It is hurting you.
Me: It is only for a moment. I did that as a child.
God: Rage turned inward. Why don’t you talk with rage and find out what rage is all about.
Me: Okay then. But if he causes problems he is back in the box lickety split.
God: I am sure he wants to come out and talk with you when you are already threatening him.
Me: You are right. Being my mother once again! Rage, would you step out of the box for a moment so we can talk. I really want to get to know you.
Me: Okay then. If I talk can you hear me?
Me: So is it your voice I have been hearing all day to shut up and not talk?
Rage: IS THERE ANY OTHER PART THAT HAS THE BALLS TO STAND UP AGAINST YOU
Me: Why would they want to? I am only here to rescue them and give them a safe place to go and heal. I am freeing them from their memories.
Rage: Yeah right. You want them gone. You can’t stand having parts. Then you write about it and tell CHUCK.
Me: I really don’t want them gone. I do want them to be free of their memories and their programs. I want them safe and the way they can be safe is if I take the memory, freeing them up to go to the meadow into the light. You are angry I am sharing this with Chuck. I wondered what part that was.
Rage: Chuck is a prick. He is NO different than any other man or woman in your life. Do you think for a minute that he gives a shit? NO!! Oh no. You’ve got to trust him and share with him and for what FUCKING for?
Me: He is different. I gave him the opportunity to beat me, yell at me, have sex with me and he chooses not to participate in any of that. Don’t you think that shows a lot on his part?
Rage: So why is he part of our life then? What purpose does he serve? What value does he have?
Me: I am so getting tired of talking about Chuck in my life. He is my friend and he is walking with us on this part of the journey. He is modeling a different way of being a man in my life. He is a witness to the abuse and the healing. He is a support and an encouragement.
Rage: He is a man. He hurts you.
Me: Sometimes he hurts my feelings but he doesn’t intend to hurt my feelings. My feelings are not his responsibility. People hurt each other sometimes. They just do. He would never intentionally cause us pain.
Rage: Our father used to say you were too gullible and you are. You believe anyone.
Me: I used to believe everyone. I learned not to. I am gullible sometimes because I see the good in people. I see their heart and their soul. Their behaviors don’t define them in my eyes. I am learning to look at the whole picture.
Me: What is your purpose and your value?
Rage: You don’t know!?
Me: I want to hear it fro you.
Rage: I protect you from people getting too close to you and using their power and position over you. I don’t let people take advantage of you.
Me: You fight my battles for me and create havoc?
Rage: I will not let anyone continue to hurt you? I will hurt them first.
Me: Are you the part that when mother was beating us and dragging us through the hall by the hair that came out and told her to stay away or I would hit her?
Rage: That is me and I did hit her because she wouldn’t stop. You know what. When I hit her she stopped, didn’t she?
Me: She did. Hitting the mother though? That was rough.
Rage: She was beating the hell out of you and you were letting her just like you always did.
Me: I couldn’t fight her. You know that.
Rage: Of course I know that which is why I am here.
Me: When the father tried to kill us, were you the part that fought him?
Rage: We got away didn’t we? I loved kicking him in the balls. I loved seeing him doubled over and in pain. I wanted to kill him but another part ran so scared she was of him.
Me: Thank you for fighting back. That was a difficult night.
Rage: Thank you? That is all you got.
Me: Yup. You saved our life that night and I am grateful for that.
Me: Were you the part that through the phone at the sister?
Rage: That is me. She was trying to control you.
Me: It wasn’t right to hurt her though. She was a kid too.
Rage: She was a kid manipulating the parents against you trying to have things her way and it was your day – your wedding and she was taking it from you?
Me: I know you were trying to protect me but do you know how much guilt I feel for that.
Rage: That would be your problem. I have no guilt.
Me: It was you who raged against Jocelyn by yelling at her.
Rage: She lied to you. She stole from the store. She was an embarrassment and imperfection.
Me: She was a child. Children sometimes lie and they sometimes steal from the store. It wasn’t like the parents lying to us. I locked you away so you could never rage against her again.
Rage: And you hurt yourself. You locked yourself up and cut yourself and burned yourself. Oh you did such a great job of locking me away. There is always an outlet for me.
Me: So you were there to protect me – why would you hurt me? Why would you want to yell at Jocelyn. That is incongruent. Do you know what incongruent is?
Rage: I am not stupid so don’t treat me that way.
Me: I wasn’t treating you as if you were stupid. I honestly want to know.
Rage: I HATE YOU.
Me: You are a part of me. Does that mean you hate yourself too?
Rage: Go Away.
Me: No. I want to talk some more. You have been yelling at me all day to shut up and stop talking. So I want to talk with you. You apparently want some attention or you wouldn’t have been yelling at me all day.
Rage: If you would shut up then I could just go quietly back in my box and I would leave you and everyone else alone.
Me: I don’t want you in the box and I don’t want you raging. I want us to talk and I want to get to know you. All of you. You’ve been around all my life. I just remembered how you raged against Joan. Throwing things and yelling at her. You were so angry.
Rage: She used you. She abused you. You let her. She was no different than your mother and father. She was your therapist and look at what she did to you.
Me: Yeah. It was because of you I finally left because your rage wouldn’t go away and I just wanted to be done with it.
Rage: It worked didn’t it!
Me: It is you that wants to ram the car into a brick wall.
Me: And the purpose that serves?
Rage: Feels good.
Me: So if all else fails hurt the body.
Rage: Crashes feel good.
Me: What are you afraid of?
Rage: Nothing. I am afraid of nothing. I have the power.
Me: You must be afraid of something or you wouldn’t be existing.
Rage: Nope nothing.
Me: You afraid of people getting too close?
Rage: Don’t need closeness.
Me: If they get too close they find out who we really are?
Rage: I keep them away.
Me: Because they might leave?
Rage: Don’t need anyone.
Me: Because they might not like us:
Rage: The mother always said that if people really knew you, they wouldn’t like you you because they would see the nasty, mean, little girl you are. She told you how ugly you were and people didn’t like looking at you.
Me: She did say those things. So, you keep people away so they don’t have the opportunity to reject us?
Me: What if I am willing to risk it?
Rage: You don’t have a good track record.
Me: That is a true statement. What if I make better choices now?
Rage: What if you are wrong? What if you tell the truth to Chuck and he uses it against you?
Me: It would hurt. Really, though, it would be his problem. It would be his karma. He would have to live with the consequences of that choice.
Rage: So would you.
Me: Only for a time – not forever.
Rage: You are so naïve.
Me: What if it is you who are naïve? What if it is you who limits our life?
Rage: I PROTECT YOU!!!!!
Me: Right now you are hurting me and other parts. I want the friendship of Chuck even if it might mean being hurt in the future. I want to help the parts inside of me find freedom so I can find freedom. I want to live life healthfully even if it might mean getting hurt. That is just life. What if people got to know me/us and found out how wonderful we are. How passionate we are. How loving we are. How good and kind we are. What if that would happen? She lied to you. If people really knew, they would love me and accept me because I am truth and reflect truth. The abuse is over now and there is nothing to fight against. You are locked into the experience of the past.
Rage: SHUT UP!
Me: No. I really appreciate all that you’ve done for me. I know that every time you expressed yourself you believed you were protecting us. I am indebted to you for that. The past is the past. The abuse is over. The parents are dead as well as the other people. It is finished. It is okay for you to rest now. Just rest and let me protect us.
Rage: I can’t quit my job.
Me: You know I wouldn’t want you to quit your job. I want you to release it to me and let me honor you by doing your job. I would just do it differently using my intuition and wisdom.
Rage: You want me to just give Up and go away?
Me: No. I want you to let me take over the role as protector and you go to the meadow and just be a kid transforming the rage into something beautiful. There are other parts who want to be released of the memories – of the programs and won’t as long as you are trying to silence everyone. They are afraid of you.
Rage: How could you talk to your mother and father again if they are dead?
Me: They are in spirit and can’t hurt us. They are helping us.
Rage: So where are they?
Me: They are present. This part of the journey they are silent.
Rage: They are assholes.
Me: Yup, they are.
Rage: Are you going to continue talking?
Me: I will when it is right again. I want to talk to them and I want to process everything. As long as you are here, it will be difficult because you will be screaming.
Rage: I protect you from them.
Me: They can no longer hurt us. They are in spirit only capable of love.
Rage: Yeah right. I can hear them now. “I love you” smacke with the belt. “I do this for your own good I really love you” smack. There is no such thing as love.
Me: There is love. It is real. Not all love is harmful or hurtful. Look at how Chuck loves me. He doesn’t abuse us even when offered.
Rage: He will hurt you.
Me: I may get hurt, that is true. It is highly likely I will hurt. Euqally it is highly likely I won’t get hurt. Either way they are my own feelings. They don’t need protection. I am grown up now. It is 2010 and I can manage this now. I am alive.
Rage: He thinks you are ugly.
Me: He might. That is his limitation, though.
Rage: He won’t be your friend.
Me: Maybe – maybe not. He is my friend today. Maybe I won’t be his friend. Maybe I will choose differently. I think he is a friend for life, Rage.
Rage: That is what you think.
Me: Rage, it is what I know. I know my heart. I value you and all that you have done for me. It is time for different experiences and not run my life from a place of fear. There is nothing to fear. Being hurt is part of being around people. Will you consider releasing your control and fear and allow acceptance and trust and faith?
Me: Yes. Seriously. I’d gladly carry it for you. It am an adult and capable of taking care of myself. It is time for you to go to the meadow and stop fighting everyone and everything. There are other parts there who will love you and care about. I will honor your help by always being willing to listen to my heart knowing that what I seek I will find. You can just be love. You can support me by loving me and helping me know if I am with a person I shouldn’t be with in any capacity. We just re-frame your job.
Rage: If you fail, can I come back? Can we do this by trial and error?
Me: Yes. However, I am confident that you will find everything you want in the meadow and I am confident I will make great choices that take care of us. You won’t want your job back. Come out of your box and walk to the meadow with me. You don’t have to go in, but I want you to see it and see the other parts.
Rage: I will just look.
Me: Tell me when you see the meadow.
Rage: What am I looking for?
Me: Beauty and light.
Rage: Then I see it. It is there.
Me: Cool. What do you see.
Rage: I see the parts playing together. They seem really happy.
Me: They are happy. They aren’t carrying their burdens anymore. They released them and now don’t have to live in the memory over and over again. That can be you. You have been part of all the memories haven’t you?
Rage: Yes. It was hard work but somebody has to do it.
Me: If you were part of all the memories, you carry those pieces with you. What if you could be free of the memories and stop having to re-live them moment by moment. I mean, I just get it now. You didn’t get just a piece of the memories. You got the whole thing. I am so sorry. That is a lot to handle. The rage makes perfect sense to me.
Rage: Every moment I hear everything, I see everything, I feel everything. It never stops. I am always in it and yes I rage to keep anything more bad from happening.
Me: I am really sorry. Thank you for being so present for all the parts and such a witness. I love you and appreciate you. You can let it all go to me. Let me carry it all. I am strong and able. All the abuse is over. No more abuse. It is finished forever. Nothing more bad will happen. You can experience freedom by releasing to me and going into the meadow. Don’t you want to experience what the other parts are experiencing? They have released and are resting and you continue carrying it. It is time for you to go now.
Rage: I want what they have. Will you really be okay? I will come back if you need me.
Me: that is perfect Rage. Now, dear one, enter into the meadow releasing the memories to be and I take them all from you as you create a new life as a healthy part of myself.
I watch Rage walki into the meadow. My heart swells as he moves into the meadow and other parts recognize him.
Me: Good bye Rage. Thank you and blessings to you.
God: You really got into knowing Rage. How are you feeling?
Me: I am feeling very tired. I am experiencing some feelings of peace as he is transforming.
God: It is time to rest.
Me: There is so much more to process tonight.
God: There is plenty of time. Right now, it is time to sleep. Rest well.
Present Moment: I am posting my process of healing from multiple forms of abuse. These postings are from 3 years ago. It is hard for me to share because I see sometimes how broken I was and through that brokenness came experiences of looking crazy or pathetic. All os us have different parts in us. Not all of me was raging but I had a part of me that was. I courageously went into that part, exploring and rescuing. Healing has been awesome. I don’t know how this helps anyone reading it. It is the journey of healing – just my story. Because of all the work I am in a much better and centered place. I will keep sharing. We are never alone and we need to find the voice to speak.