Healing from Sexual Abuse – A Transformational Journey – Part 41

Up early this morning and experiencing irritability and annoyance.  Rage is in the meadow.  Are these sub parts of rage?  Truly, this is a lot of work.  I am tired.  I need so much to sleep and sleep is the hardest thing for me to get.  With all this work, you would think sleep would come to me.  Even if it were just the body feeling rested.  I am tired and irritable and annoyed.

God:  What would you like to do with those feelings?

Me:  I guess understand them and why they are there.

God:  What is your sense?

Me:  Off the top of my head my sense is I am very tired physically, emotionally and spiritually.

God:  That is part of it.  What does irritability and annoyance get you?

Me:  Keeps me disconnected from myself and other people.  Push back.

God:  Why is this part of you feeling that way?

Me:  Rage is gone and now there is work to do and there is sensitivity to other people.

God:  Talk with irritability.

Me:  God, this is the morning and I have to go to work.  I do not have the luxury to stay at home like Chuck or Todd can choose.  I have to be there.  I make the place run.

God:  Resentment too?

I am crying.  So why cry.  God right?  I am so tired of processing everything.  I am so tired of feeling these feelings.  I am so tired of myself.

God:  Irritability, annoyance and resentment.  Resentment is the underlying feeling.

Me:  I guess it is.  Resentment against a lot of things in my life.  It doesn’t serve a purpose.  Nothing changes.  It just seems everyone else doesn’t have to work so hard or try so hard or had to deal with crap in their lives.  It is like it continues, over and over and over and doesn’t stop.

God:  You are crying.  Resentment is a root for you.  When you feel resentment, you feel irritable and annoyed.

Me:  I guess.  Sometimes, I would just like easy.  Sometimes I would just like to have what other people have in a good sense.  Doesn’t seem to be part of my life.

God:  You are right in a way.  You chose this experience and it means not having a lot of pleasant experiences.  Things come harder to you.  In the end, you will have it all in a way that most people will never experience.

Me:  I know I chose it.  I get that.  Knowing that doesn’t change the feelings or the wants or the needs or the desires.  They are still here.

God:  You didn’t use to have those feelings.  These are relatively new for you and that is progress.  To be able to identify the feelings and the wants and the needs and the desires is movement towards finishing the journey.

Me:  What comes so easy for other people, comes so hard for me.  It is like being handicapped emotionally.  I have to work harder and look worse.

God:  You are not handicapped emotionally.  It feels overwhelming right now.  In fact emotionally and spiritually you are far more advanced, in tune, alive then most people.  That is what sets you apart from other people.  That is what makes it more challenging for yourself.  Your heart is so open and really has been even though it has been stomped on.

Me:  And is now being stomped on.

God:  Perhaps – but only your perspective.  You see into people and do not trust what you see because you see yourself as damaged goods.  You don’t believe what you see.  People feel both validated by your sight and fearful.  People don’t want to get honest with themselves – with their heart.  They want to live in illusions even if they don’t know they are living in illusions.  Your capacity to see the heart is great and such a gift.  It also sets you apart from others.  You’ve tried shutting down over the years, but it has created an emptiness in side far different than the emptiness created from the abuse.  You are not living in your truth.

Me:  That is harsh.

God:  Harsh but true.  Look at all the abuse and trauma your parents put you through.  Set aside for a moment that you wanted the experience.  No matter how hurt, how disappointed, how angry and all the other things you have felt, you showed compassion to your mother and father at their lowest points in their life.  You didn’t see the behavior, you saw the heart.  You may not like hearing it but you saw their vulnerability, their fear, their damage.  You saw it all whether you knew it or not and you responded with compassion.  This morning on tv you saw a murderer being led to jail.  He took the life of another man.  What did your heart see?

Me:  I saw a man who committed a murder.  I saw suffering.  I saw pain and disillusionment.  I saw fear.  My heart ached for him and I felt nothing but compassion for him when I should have felt anger at what he did.  There is so many people hating him right now when he needs love – desperately needs love and he acted out of a place of damage and heartache.

God:  See Mary.  That sets you apart from other people.  Who will see that in him?  Who will get past the behavior.  This is part of who you are.  You see Chuck’s heart.  You don’t see him as remarkable for how he has turned his life around.  You see the pain that led him to make the choice of stealing.  You still see that pain and know it is only his choices that keeps him on his path.  That is a gift to see people’s heart and have compassion and love for them.

Me:  I tend to then interact with people based on their potential.

God:  That is different.  Your vision into the heart and soul of other people is what they need.  They need to be seen and you see them.  They spend so much time living in illusions.

Me:  And that has to do with resentment how?

God:  You discount yourself.  You see that people are recognized by the external world and not by what really matters.  You actually have adopted the same belief system.  You define value as to what people see and by not who they are.  Therefore, you cannot value yourself.  You see yourself physically as ugly.  Your mind thinks from the inside out which you diminish the importance.  You see yourself as fractured and therefore unlovable.  You resent that for the most part the external world is what is valued and not who people are.  You see so much truth in people and don’t see the external.  You just don’t.  You never have.  That is unique and does set you apart.  You want people to see through their hearts and their souls and for the most part, most don’t.  You feel unworthy.  You want people to see you – your heart – your soul.

Me:  You are right.  My value is inside out but it isn’t what is wanted.  I operate on intuition and guidance for everything.  It is not valued.  Because Chuck is external, people place more value on him.  Look at the difference.  I am not external and people don’t place the same value on me.  It hurts.

God:  I know it hurts.  At some point it won’t matter to you because you see the truth.  You know the truth.  You stand in your truth.  You have great value way beyond what anyone can see.  People choose the easy way out.  They choose simple rather than hard.  They choose to look good rather than be good.  They choose illusions rather than truth.  It is what is so wrong in this world.  You are so opposite and the world does not value that in people.  If you look for value and validation in others, you likely won’t find it.  It is important for you to find it within yourself and build it and stand on it and let it become a firm foundation that is unshakeable.

Me:  I am working at it.

God:  Stop comparing yourself to other people.  You fall short because your perception is skewed by the experiences of your past.  Your father’s words, your mothers words.  They didn’t value you.  They despised what you represented t them.  Your father calling you a “goody two shoe” because you wanted to tell the truth.  He ridiculed you for believing in a world that has potential for goodness and peace.  He told you that you would never amount to anything.  Your mother told you that if people really knew you they couldn’t stand you.  Just by being you, you challenged them and they couldn’t tolerate it.  None of it.  They had to put out the light.  It has flickered, but never has it gone out.

Me:  You are right.  I can remember Floyd saying there is nothing worse than the holy spirit and me in the same room.  That was mean.

God:  That was fear.  You represented truth to them as well.  They had their own illusions of greatness and you saw the emptiness.  You saw that what was being taught was not being lived.  You saw all the external glitter and knew the heart of the church, the heart of the ministry was missing.  You were my mouth and they didn’t hear you.  It didn’t make you wrong or guilty.  They had to make you wrong and guilty so they could continue in their illusions.  Thank you for speaking my words.  You touched a lot of people there where the church failed to reach them.  Thank you.

Me:  Wow.  Validation from God.  Wow.

God:  I love you.  You represent my heart, my compassion, my love.  You get that, truly get that, where others live differently.

Me:  It is hard to live in a world that values the external.  It is lonely actually.  I guess it is important to find my value and center with it and come to an understanding within that.  It is important to make peace with myself and not seek what the world wants.  I seek my value.  I have a lot to offer people – what they really want and what they really need.  Love, compassion, acceptance, knowledge, truth, wisdom, tenacity.

God:  You said it.  People are hungry for truth but the create all these external validations that keep them from finding it.  Way to go Mary.  Stay on track.

Me:  Thanks God.  Today I open to my own value.  I am ready to sleep and I’ve got to go to work.  Help me God to please have energy to do the best I can today.

God:  And so it is and so it is and so it is.

Note:  Often times following an intense process, the next day has challenges as new awarenesses set in, a new level of healing, and knowing I would have to function in a world of work running the operations of a company.  As I post this 3 years later, I can almost feel the experience and yet today it is an experience that I read and yet does not consume me.  This is what it is like to commit to healing and doing the work.  I promise you, it is worth it.  Giving up is an option but that seemed far worse than remaining broken.”

This entry was posted in Emotional Abuse, Physical Abuse, PTSD, Sexual Abuse and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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