It has been an interesting day. Process this morning really helped me get to work and be more at peace. Process seemed to bother Chuck though. External vs. internal. I think I understand what might have happened to me. I had no intention of hurting him or anything else. I am fairly certain that he would say it didn’t hurt him but I believe at a subconscious level something got touched. I refer to Chuck as an external person which I really know there is more to him than superficiality. Otherwise he wouldn’t be part of the journey. In talking with him I began to realize that referring to him as external and less than internal that I was dismissing him. I had no intention of being dismissive but subconsciously it was dismissive. Another way to push him away?
God: Yes you were trying to push him away and really you were trying to hurt him by dismissing him because you felt hurt and dismissed.
Me: I didn’t feel dismissed by Chuck. Sometimes my feelings get hurt with some things he says but they are my feelings and not his. So why didn’t you tell me that this morning while we were talking!
God: An experience at healing on the human level was in your future today. You needed that experience.
Me: Does dismissing him as external somehow make me more powerful and in control?
God: What do you think?
Me: I think it does. It is another way of pushing back. I can hurt him because I felt hurt by him and I am in control once again! Seriously I didn’t know I was doing that. Totally not conscious until Chuck brought it all up.
God: You could just talk about hurt feelings.
Me: I could but it really isn’t that big of a deal and it is just me being sensitive. My issue not his. So no reason to discuss it.
God: You created this other scenario to manage the feelings.
Me: I didn’t know that was what I was doing. I know now and it won’t happen again.
God: You didn’t do anything wrong.
Me: I feel like I did and you are making a big deal about it.
God: It is okay. This is only process and looking at it. Let’s take it a little deeper. How does the external world or people who live in the external world hurt you?
Me: Ow. What comes to mind is that I am invisible in the external world. People live in the external world and didn’t see the truth of what I was going through. The parents lived an external world and they were protected by it. I wasn’t protected. It hid the abuse. It hid the pain. When I would try to externalize what was going on, I looked crazy. I.e> Peeing on the floor. Writing those notes to all the neighbors telling them I hated them and they were stupid and idiots. The external world only saw me as crazy and a misfit thus keeping the parents safe. It didn’t see me. It ignored me. I was silent in the external world. Inside it was “choose me” “see me” . The external world was painful. It was ugly. It was superficial. It was drugs and booze and abuse. I guess I don’t trust people who live in the external world and define their lives by the external world. I think the external world hides truth.
God: That is a lot of judgment about the external world. Were you aware of all that.
Me: Not so much. Some yes. All of that not completely.
God: You relegated Chuck to that external world and that is the perception of the external world.
Me: Sometimes Chuck doesn’t see me.
God: I know part of you feels that way, but he has been present and committed to you so why relegate him to an external world that you despise.
Me: I don’t know. Safer that way. I know what to expect. I can control it. I remove it away from me. Less risky. Who knows. I a feeling a bit frustrated with this. Look, I made a mistake doing that. It wasn’t intentional.
God: You did nothing wrong. This is about learning. There are so many lessons here in many different ways.
Me: I don’t know what motivated me but I just went to Todd’s facebook photos and looked at his pictures of his girls and wife and him. I am blown away. What I understand now that there is no way that he is creating pain for his girls. There is way too much joy in their faces. Pure joy. Expectant joy. Trusting joy. I could feel their excitement as it radiated from their faces. No, Todd does not hurt his girls and I am certain he would kill to protect them. I also saw that he uses his money and power to bring them joy and positive experiences. He lives an external, power, money life similar to my father and yet he doesn’t use it to harm his family. Just look at the purity of their expressions and his expression. Those girls are what girls should experience. Joy and innocence and life. All that was denied to me. I truly was looking at him through my darkened eyes.
God: I am glad you see that. He is a good dad and doesn’t abuse through position, power, money.
Me: I am happy about that. Alleviates my inner anxieties. Those pictures show so much. Now I wish he would hide the pictures so pedophiles wouldn’t see them.
God: Todd is trustworthy. He may hurt you as he does but he doesn’t do it intentionally. Passively, but not intentionally.
Me: Maybe. Maybe there is something there in the man.
God: Mary, it isn’t the external world, power, money, position that hurt you. It was your parents who hurt you and you blame all those other things. They were a tool in their hands misused to create pain for you – separation. Looking at Todd, he is using the very same things to create joy for his family. Do you see that it is the person who creates the outcome – not the tools?
Me: I do now. I think I knew it in my head. Now I know it in my heart and I feel like crying.
God: You know it is interesting as much pain you attribute to the external world, it is the external world that you seek validation.
Me: I know. I want to be seen. I want my truth to be seen. There is a part of me that wants to tell Todd generally about my experiences, but it seems inappropriate.
God: You can tell him. When you are ready you will tell him.
Me: Not sure about that. It would require a little more trust first.
God: A little more trust of yourself – a little more value of yourself.
Me: You know I see Chuck and Todd as being valuable people. They see themselves as valuable. They feel valuable. I don’t think I believe that they could ever see me as valuable because I have been so broken and damaged and fragmented. Somehow if they value me, then I am okay and I am more than the sum of my life.
God: Insightful. You don’t feel worthy to be at the same level of value as you perceive they are?
Me: That would be true. I know in my head that I have value just because of who I am and not based on what I do or how much I have or what I look like or what has happened to me. In my heart, I don’t feel I have value.
God: Perhaps we need to find that part who feels that way.
Me: Wouldn’t that be all parts?
God: Maybe. Then we deal with all parts regarding the issue.
Me: Thee is a female child part inside who wants to please. She went to the father’s office with him and was his “Sexretary”. She sat at the big desk and at age 5 alphabetized all his files. She was very smart and it pleased him. She liked to be special. She liked answering the phone for him and helping him. The mother sent her away with him because she didn’t want her around at all. She was too difficult for the mother to handle. She was so good at the office. The father would give her money and let her walk to the store and get ice cream cones. Pink peppermint ice cream cones. So good. She felt so proud that he trusted her to do that and she was so young. The father didn’t hurt her at the office. I think he liked taking her to the office. The brother and sister never got to go. The mother didn’t want her around and she knew that. She knew she wasn’t wanted there. As soon as they would get home things changed. He would be mean to her. The mother would be mean to her. She wasn’t allowed to tell her mother about the icre cream. It was their secret. It was like the trip to the office never happened and the pain of returning home was there.
God: Did she feel or not feel valuable?
Me: I think he created an illusion of value for her and then took it away when back in the reality of home. The office was an experience and only was for a moment in time. Then he mistreated her again.
God: So did the little girl experience value?
Me: No she didn’t. She did as a result of “working”, but it was there and gone. Performance based value.
God: That is right. Do you see joy in her face like you see joy in Todd’s daughters faces?
Me: Oh no. Worry and concern even though she liked what she was doing. Looks grown up beyond her years.
God: Certainly not a child who has joy created for her. Does she feel valuable? Ask her.
Me: Little one, how did you feel about going to the office all my yourself with the father and helping?
Little Part: I liked it. I like helping. He likes me to help. I worry about doing something wrong and making him mad.
Me: Do you do something wrong?
Little Part: Oh no. I work very hard not to do anything wrong.
Me: Why did you go to the office with him?
LP: Mother didn’t want me there. I made her nervous. She told him I don’t listen and I cause problems for everyone.
Me: Is that true?
LP: She says so.
Me: How do you feel about that?
LP: Wrong. Stupid. Mad at myself.
Me: It doesn’t make you feel very good.
LP: No but its okay.
Me: No it isn’t okay. You keep saying it is okay and it isn’t okay. It wasn’t okay for them to treat you that way. It isn’t okay for you to be humiliated and beat and touched inappropriately. You deserved better.
LP: I was bad. I did fight. They kept taking my stuff and not leaving me alone. If they leave me alone I won’t have to fight so much. I don’t like being around anyone.
Me: So you are a fighter too.
LP: When I have to to make them go away and leave me alone.
Me: So did you always want to be left alone.
LP: It was better that way.
Me: Because they wouldn’t hurt you, right?
Me: Do you like yourself?
LP: No. I feel stupid and dirty.
Me: That doesn’t feel very good. How do you want to feel?
LP: Like a princess. Pretty and beautiful like Glenda the good witch.
Me: Do you think that would make you likeable?
LP: Yes. I would be good and I would be pretty and kind.
Me: Do you know you already are that way now?
LP: No. I am ugly and stupid and mean.
Me: Those are illusions and lies that the mother and father told you.
LP: I am really that way.
Me: Really you are innocent and pure and sweet. As a child you do child things. Sometimes you break things. Sometimes you don’t want to do what you are told, but that doesn’t make you bad or mean or ugly.
LP: The mother told me I am a bad little girl and nobody likes me.
Me: That is her lie. There are no bad little girls. You are just a little girl who has to learn how to grow up. I bet there were lots of people who liked you.
LP: I don’t feel like a little girl.
Me: I know. Hard to be little when so much happens to you and they expect you to be big. What if you could like yourself? What would you do?
LP: I would play. I would help out more. I would be pretty.
Me: You might smile more. You might want to play more. You wouldn’t feel worried or nervous. There is a place you can go where you can find all that. It is the meadow. It is where the parts go to play and be happy.
LP: Not me.
Me: Why not you? This part of your life is over. I want you and the other parts in the meadow want you. You don’t have to do anything or be anything. You don’t have to fight to be safe. You get to be safe all on your own. You get to play and be happy and be a child. You can be a princess or a cowgirl or even a cowboy. You can dance and sing. You can do it all in the meadow because you are free.
LP. What if I am not here anymore? What if I don’t fight?
Me: It is you who wants to fight to keep people away isn’t it?
LP: I have to take care of you so they don’t leave or hurt you?
Me: Sweetie, I am all grown up now and can take care of us. The abuse is all over. I promise. I want to be close to people now. I want to trust the right people now. I want people to know me. I want to stop pushing them away.
LP: They hurt you. They pretend to like you and then they hurt you.
Me: The abuse is over now. They are dead and no one will hurt us like that ever again. This is time for healing – for peace – for joy. Part of finding that means you have to find it in the meadow. The meadow is so awesome. Will you go?
LP: Will you be okay if go?
Me: Yes I will be okay. I am safe. You can trust me that I will take care of us. I want you to be happy and play and be the princess. Can I take you there?
LP: What if they don’t like me or I don’t want to stay?
Me: They love you already and are waiting eagerly for you to come and play. Amber is there and helps all the parts. It is happy and safe. If you won’t want to stay, then let me know. I think you will want to stay. You wait. Are you ready.
LP looks at me with uncertain eyes deciding whether to trust me or not. I don’t blame her. I’ve let myself and my parts down so much. I am committed to them, accepting them, loving them and helping them find their freedom. I no longer fight the parts or their presence. They have been so important to my survival. LP gets up and takes my hand as we approach the meadow.
Me: Let me know when you see the meadow.
LP: I see it now.
Me: Well, what do you see?
LP: I see the most beautiful green grass there ever was. It looks so soft. I see yellow flowers and big apple trees. It is very light there. It is beautiful.
Me: Do you see other parts?
LP: They are running and look happy. They are happy. How come they are happy?
Me: Because they don’t live with abuse every single moment of every single day. I brought them here to have fun and to heal. Do you want to stay? Amber is coming.
LP: I want to stay. Will you be okay?
Me: Oh yes. I will be great. I love you little one and thank you for all that you have done for me. Thank you for fighting and keeping people away when it was unsafe. Thank you.
She walks off into the meadow. Her step seems lighter and her shoulders less burdened. I love the meadow. I love releasing the parts from their chains. It brings such peace to me.
God: What did you find out?
Me: Lots of things went through my head. One thing was the boundaries in the home were all clouded because of abuse. No clear guidelines on how to behave. Difficult to have self-worth without boundaries that tell you that you are valuable. I learned that she is part of the fighting I do to keep people away from my heart. She did it because it kept us safe. Her mother didn’t want her around so there was no value there. The only value she experienced was helping the father at the office.
God: Do you think that is real value?
Me: It is performance value.
God: So it is transitory. It can come and go depending on what is going on around you.
Me: That is right.
God: Do you believe that she will find real value in the meadow?
Me: I do. Her real value lies in being free to be who she is. Playing, laughing, loving, being loved, being at peace. I think all the parts will find that. Maybe they will unify one day and be one powerful valuable part!!
God: It is in process because of the choices you are making today to heal. Writing the truth of who you are, sharing that truth with Chuck. Talking openly with him. You are allowing yourself to receive his love and you are allowing yourself to show him your love. Every moment you grow you trust yourself more and more and trust Chuck more and more. Someday it will never be an issue or discussion point again except to say “remember when”. What doI you say?
Me: I look forward to that day. I am tired now and need to sleep. I know there is more but my energy level is done.
God: Rest well.
Notes from 2014: It seemed forever that I kept seeking to find my value. Although I would say I valued myself, there were parts of me that didn’t. As long as there is a part within ourselves that feels unworthy and valueless, then those programs rule and there is no core sense of value. Today as I read this and posted, I realize I’ve only recently found my worth and it came through deep darkness, a dark night of the soul, losing everything and finding me. When I stood for me and got help, my worthiness began to express through. It is difficult to find self worth and value when all your life you have felt none. It was programmed into me as it is programmed into others. Keep on moving forward.