3-12-14 – This writing was 3 years ago. It is triggering. I read it a couple days ago to post and I was triggered. If you choose to read, my today comments are at the end. I share this journey because I am giving a voice to that child in me who was so hurt. I share it because my teling the truth helps someone somewhere know they are not alone and understand that healing from trauma takes time.
Night wasn’t as short as it has been but short enough!!! I woke up with a smile on my face this morning. Smiling because of realization about Todd, his email to me, my growing in self-value and worth in the heart. I also woke up with the same memory I woke up with a couple of days ago. So I am guessing that needs to be taken care of soon.
I’ve been avoiding this part all morning but I am led to deal with her now as opposed to running my errands first and then dealing with her so here I am.
God: You are resistant today to dealing with this part.
Me: I am.
God: Are you ready.
Me: As ready as I can be. I am getting so tired though and might fall asleep.
God: You are processing. You get cold and tired. It is important to work through this part this morning or you will avoid her and she will get stronger.
Me: It is Amy. Amy is the name of the part.
God: Close your eyes and find Amy. What is she doing?
Me: She is smoking a joint and getting high. I feel the effects a little bit.
God: For this work you need to block the effects of the drug. Important you are present and sober.
Me: Amy why are you wanting to get high now?
Me: Hm. Guess that is good as reason as any other. You’ve been coming through all morning this morning and all morning the other morning. Do you know why?
Me: A true teenanger – one word communication. Amy, the memories I am getting is all around sex. You had a lot of sex.
Me: Okay. Did you want to have sex?
Amy: Didn’t matter.
Me: Of course it matters.
Amy: No different than it always was. It was just a body. They wanted to have sex, let them have sex.
Me: It wasn’t always what you wanted.
Amy: Didn’t matter. I put myself in those situations and I got what I deserved – what was coming to me. So no one to blame but me.
Me: So not true. Sometimes people put themselves in situations but they don’t deserve to be assaulted or raped or beaten or anything else.
Amy: Didn’t matter.
I feel this careless attitude and total lack of value.
Me: Amy. On a Saturday, Doug came and picked you up at the house right?
Amy: Yes. He is my main guy. Protected me. We go to Sean’s house. Sean, Bob, Doug and me. Sean is old enough to have his own apartment and we could do drugs there. Doug and I were supposed to go to the Canyon but stopped at Sean’s place. I didn’t want to.
Me: You went anyway. Did you tell Doug you didn’t want to go?
Amy: No. Doug is in charge. He was a big guy in the family.
Me: The family?
Amy: All of us weren’t wanted by our families. We had our own family. You remember that. He was important in the family. The family took care of its own and hurt people who hurt us.
Me: I remember it. So you are at Sean’s place. What happened?
Amy: We walk in and went to Sean’s bedroom. Me and all the guys to smoke a joint. I sit on the floor in the corner of the room. The guys sit near me. That is some powerful stuff. I am so fucking high. I feel paralyzed and can’t move. I try and can’t move. The guys are fine and moving around. I’m not. How come? I can’t move. I am so far away and disconnected. Doug picks me up and puts me on Sean’s bed. I thought he was staying. I close my eyes for a minute. Dizzy. Sean is on top of me putting his dick in me. No. No. No. I am Doug’s girl. I can’t move and can’t push him away. I try and call out for Dou and he isn’t coming. Bean is gone and then Bob comes in and does the same thing. I can’t move. I can’t. Doug come here. Why don’t you help me? I am crying on the bed. Doug comes in and holds me. Doug what happened I asked. He says it is okay because they are his friends. I am so sad and I cry.
Me: Amy it is over now. Doug let them have sex with you right?
Me: You were paralyzed and couldn’t move and couldn’t fight back and they were fine walking around and you all smoked the same joint. I wonder if they gave you something else to make you so you wouldn’t fight back.
Amy: I don’t know. I didn’t want to do it. It was just like before with the father and his friends. Letting them use my body.
Me: I know. Different people and a different time. Did he do that a lot?
Amy: After that a few times. He would kiss me and tell me if I loved him I would do it for him and so he would let people have sex with me.
Me: He pimped you out?
Amy: I willingly did it. He didn’t force me.
Me: He manipulated you. He took your choice. Did he pimp you out?
Amy: Yes he got drugs and money. I was his little whore.
Me: Amy, you were not anyone’s whore.
Amy: Yeah I was. Doesn’t matter.
Me: It does matter. He was no different than your father.
Amy: He didn’t beat me. He didn’t rape me.
Me: You had sex against your will.
Amy: He was my boyfriend.
Me: He allowed you to be used by other guys and got paid for it.
Amy: So what difference does it make. The father did the same thing.
Me: You didn’t know that it could be any different. You just kept using drugs and being used by guys. Who gave you the first drugs?
Amy: Doug. I was depressed and things were bad at home. He told me the drugs would make me feel better. Amphetamines, grass, THC. They did. It helped. Specially the amphetamines.
Me: So Doug got you started on drugs. Pimped you out and he was your boyfriend.
Amy: Sometimes he was my boyfriend and sometimes not.
Me: What else happened?
Amy: Nothin much. Drugs, sex.
Me: You continued having sex even though Doug didn’t pimp you out. Why?
Amy: Why not? They wanted it. I could care less one way or another and they could just have it.
Me: You didn’t think very highly of yourself did you?
Amy: No big deal. I was high a lot anyway.
Me: Numbing the pain. Running away from the pain. Did you enjoy the sex?
Amy: What is there to enjoy?
Me: That is what I thought. What next.
Amy: I am smoking hash with Danny. Big tall blond dude. Just friends. We are at his apartment at the kitchen table. I never smoked hash before. I am high. He then wants me to go to the bedroom with him. I don’t want to go to the bedroom with him. There are other people there. I want to party with them. Danny is just a friend. He carries me to the bedroom and has sex with me. Then he leaves and Doug comes in. I’m not Doug’s girl but he wants to have sex with me but he leaves on his underwear and just uses me.
Me: This is rape again. Sex against your will.
Amy: My fault. I chose to be there and that is what happened. If I didn’t go there it wouldn’t have happened. My fault. The father was having a political party at the house that day. He demanded I be there. I went after Danny. High. I was the life of the party teasing all the men. The father liked it.
Me: You danced for the father and some of his friends.
Amy: I did. He liked my dancing. Sensual.
Me: He used you with his friends. You told him you didn’t want to do it. You felt embarrassed.
Amy: Didn’t matter. I did it. I felt ashamed, embarrassed and dirty. No big deal.
Amy: We are double dating together. At a party. David’s father hung himself in the garage and he found him. He would get weirded out about it. Can you imagine finding that in your garage? I felt sad for him.
Me: It was sad. It wasn’t fair to him.
Amy: I don’t remember much. At the party I had a drink or two. Don’t remember and next thing I know I am at S’s house and he is in me coming and I turned my head and threw up. Pretty embarrassing. I didn’t know how we got there or anything. I was at the party at another house having a drink and next thing I am in this bed with him on top of me.
Me: Against your will.
Amy: I couldn’t say yes or no. So it wasn’t against my will.
Me: Did he give you something in your drink or did another part take over?
Amy: I don’t know. I don’t remember anything. I was there, then here and then throwing up.
Me: That was rape Amy.
Amy: No. I put myself at the party. I drank.
Me: It doesn’t matter. No boy or man or woman has the right to have sex with you if you did not consent to it or could not consent to it.
Amy: Doesn’t matter.
Me: I know you don’t think it matters but it does. It does matter. You matter.
Amy: You are getting weird.
Me: No, I am telling you the truth. I am so sorry that you went through all of that. I am so sorry you were hurt so bad.
Amy: Don’t be sorry. It was my role. It was my job. It kept you away from things.
Me: Did you use sex to push people away?
Amy: Not me. I didn’t care about anything.
Me: Depressed and you medicated yourself. Did you enjoy sex?
Amy: No. Didn’t even think about it.
Me: You’ve been present because I have strong desires to smoke pot and go have sex with anybody.
Amy: That is me.
Me: Amy you have no self-esteem and no value. That is why you feel you deserved everything.
I am feeling so dizzy and disoriented. I am remembering it all. The body is indeed numb to it.
God: Mary stay present. Don’t get lost in her story. Stay present.
Me: I am tired and want to sleep.
God: This is important Mary.
Me: I don’t really want to deal with this.
God: I know but this part needs healing .
Me: Amy, you didn’t deserve this. You put yourself in those situations because you felt unworthy, because it was so familiar. You just recreated everything you knew. The drugs numbed it all for you. It is over. No more sex abuse. No more rape. No more drugs. It is over. No one to hurt you or others. Finished.
Amy: It isn’t over.
Me: It is. I am aware of all of it now. You’ve been present lately and I haven’t chose to act on those impulses. I am not going to allow any form of abuse if my life. You are safe and no one will ever hurt you again. I can take care of us know and keep us safe. Thank you for taking this part of my life for me. I love you. There is a meadow for you to go to. In the meadow you heal and find peace. You find value and worthiness and love and joy.
Amy: I can’t go to the meadow. Look at me. Did you not hear all that I did and allowed to be done? I am a filthy bag of shit.
Me: No, you are not a bag of shit. You are a part of me that was hurt terribly and just lived according to value and worth that you had. None. You held the memory so I wouldn’t have to deal with it. You are amazing and strong. You have a lot of value and strength. Going to the meadow will help you. I promise. There are other parts there.
Amy: They wouldn’t want me.
Me: Yes they would. They know you were hurt and they want you there to heal. Come with me and look at the meadow.
Amy: It is beautiful. Look how beautiful the parts are. They are shining brightly. They look happy. I am so dirty.
Me: Each one that has come here has felt that and almost always says those very same words. Do you see Amber there? She helps all the parts.
Amy: Are you sure they want me?
Me: They WANT you. They love you. No abuse. No pain. No sex. No drugs. Peace.
Amber comes and takes Amy by the hand and leads her into the meadow. Amy’s body relaxes as she begins to experience her first taste of freedom.
God: You did good with Amy. She needed her freedom.
Me: I feel so disgusting and nasty and worthless and dirty.
God: You need to release that.
Me: I know I need to release it. I know why that part did what she did. It was disgusting.
God: She did only that which she knew. She didn’t know there was any other way of being. She was lost and disconnected. She attached to the familiar. She got hurt in the process.
Me: I really could care less about myself in those years. The drugs, sex, abuse. I should have died so many times and I lived. Drugged out car accidents. Too many pills. Wrong guys. I hated myself so much.
God: You did hate yourself.
Me: I’ve come a long way since that time. Yet, I still struggle with value and worth. I can’t seem to get it and hold onto it in my heart. This stuff, even though I know it is just the path, makes it worse. How could anyone value that. For crying out loud.
God: She didn’t do it willingly. Initially she knew nothing about it. She was used by this person. She did only what she knew to do. She didn’t think right or wrong or good or bad. It just was in her eyes. Can you forgive her – forgive yourself?
Me: It just hits me between the eyes this truth. It goes so much against who I am.
God: Yes you weren’t living the truth of your heart. There was too much damage. The shattering of the soul was so vast. How did you know your true heart?
Me: I should have I guessed. I just should have.
God: How could you? You didn’t know any different.
Me: I was old enough to know different.
God: Physically you were old enough. Emotionally, spiritually you were living the pattern of your life.
Me: It is so disgusting.
God: Can you release judgment of yourself and forgive yourself?
Me: I don’t know. I’ve always felt so unclean and so unworthy even serving you. I used to wonder how could you ever want me to serve you? How could I ever be worthy enough to be part of God – part of heaven?
God: Don’t you still feel that way with me, with Chuck, with Todd?
Me: Do we always have to bring them into it?
God: Yes because they are there to work through this with you.
Me: I do feel unworthy around them because they didn’t do what I did, because what I did was so horrible and dirty and disgusting and if they knew the truth it would be all over. I can never be good enough no matter how hard I try. I can never get clean enough. I am always blemished. It is like I am reminded everyday even if I don’t know it that I am not as good as they are – damaged goods.
God: Chuck went to prison for stealing. He made a mistake and still values himself.
Me: It isn’t the same thing. I was disgusting. It just wasn’t this part of my life. Look at later. Joan and others.
God: You so much wanted to be loved and cared about. You didn’t know how to do things any different. You didn’t see any good in you. You were vulnerable and taken advantage of. You don’t do those things now. Can you forgive yourself?
Me: I can never be forgiven by you or anyone else.
God: I hold nothing against you. I love you and accept you. You did only that which you knew to do. You did nothing wrong. There is nothing for me to forgive. Apparently you hold those things against you and you need to forgive yourself.
Me: I have to be punished.
God: You need to be loved. You need to love yourself. You need to allow other people to love you. You need to accept love from you, from those around you, from me.
Me: I am feeling anxious.
God: This is hard for you to look at yourself.
Me: My skin is crawling. I feel like I need to be beaten.
God: You need to be loved and comforted. You need you right now. You need from yourself that which you give so freely to other people. Love, acceptance, comfort, forgiveness. Can you to that for you?
Me: I feel so unworthy. This is horrible. I feel like I have no right to breathe or take up space. I feel like I should hurt myself. I feel like I should be dead. Do the world a favor and die. Get rid of the garbage.
God: Quite the contrary. You need to find the right to breathe and take up space. Your body needs to feel love and calm. You need to be alive to share the beauty of who you are.
Comments: This triggered me. In the writing I talked some of rape but at a whole new level I realized I was raped and used by these guys. I fully got that I was drugged by them for the purpose of raping me. The morons were able to walk and talk and I wasn’t. I was paralyzed. It took me back to the dark place. In some ways it was freeing. In other ways it brought up so much. Healing is done in layers. I think I am “there” and then find there is more as I go deeper in my healing. Will this ever end? It will in its form because through healing I am just able to understand more and going deeper is a testament to the healing I’ve had. This is hard for me to post as it is so revealing. It was the truth of a damaged child, broken beyond belief, having no value or self-worth. Thank you for reading.