Healing from Sexual Abuse – A Transformational Journey – Part 44

Me:  Esther is present.

God:  Esther the righteous one.

Me:  Yes.

God:  Esther is bound by rules.  She is the part of you that defines right and wrong, good and bad, black and white.  She strictly adheres to the rules and is compelled to tell the truth.

Me:  I know.  The one who has to look good and be appropriate.  She can’t stand the truth of what she just heard.

God:  Her way of dealing with unworthiness is to be extra good and do everything right.  Perfection.  It is time for you to work with Esther.  Time for her to heal.

Me:  Esther, is it you that wants to die because of what Amy did as a teenager.

Esther:  She is filthy and disgusting.  I would never to those things.  She should be stoned.

Me:  That is awfully harsh.  What would you do?

Esther:  Go to church.  Confess my sins.  Do good.  Read the bible.  Confess my sins.  Lead other people to Christ.  Follow the 10 commandements.  The bible is the rulebook for life and if you follow that then nothing bad happens.

Me:  Your perspective is if you follow all the rules, do the right thing all of the time, go to church, read the bible and pray that all is well.

Esther:  That is correct.  Amy had to ruin it all.  Now look at us.  Disgusting.  There is no changing that.  It is all out there and everyone will know.

Me:  Amy didn’t ruin it.  She is not disgusting.  You are not disgusting.  You both coped in ways that helped me survive and I have so much love and gratitude to you for that.

Esther:  Jesus will never forgive me.

Me:  You’ve done nothing to be forgiven for.

Esther:  We are sinners.

Me:  All of fallen short of the glory of God.

Esther is rocking.  Totally distraught.  I didn’t think of any other part hearing Amy.  I am feeling disgusted with myself.  How can I help Esther?

God:  It is the strength of Esther’s feelings that you are experiencing.

Me:  Esther.   Do rules help make you feel safe?

Esther:  Yes.

Me:  Does knowing that there is a Savior who died for your sins so you may have eternal life give you peace?

Esther:  I know he died for my sins.  He shouldn’t have done that.  If there was no sin, he wouldn’t have to die for me.  Guilty.

Me:  What if Jesus lived a life that we are to follow in his steps?

Esther:  I try.  I try so hard.  Then everything gets messed up because of other parts and you.  I can’t.

Me:  Jesus loved and accepted everyone.  He lived according to how his journey was to go even when it was hard for him.  His message was not of condemnation but of love.  It was of peace.

Esther:  Sin separates us from the love of God.

Me:  That is a lie.  There is nothing that can separate us from the love of God.  God lives within us and his always present everywhere.

Esther:  I feel like I am going to throw up.

Me:  Esther.  God loves you.  I love you.  You are acceptable.  You helped me survive by providing me a refuge.  You helped me learn about God.  That is so precious.

Esther:  Now Amy ruins it all.

Me:  Nope.  Amy lived her life the only way she knew how just as you live your part of the life the only way you know how.  They clash.  It is okay.  You both were incredibly important parts of my life helping me survive the shattering of my soul.  Thank you.

Esther:  What will people think?

Me:  If they find out they will think how brave we all were and how perfectly well we survived the devastation of the soul.  You gave me strength.

Esther:  Are you going to tell?

Me:  I don’t know yet.  Chuck, my friend, usually reads this.

Esther:  You are NOT going to let him see this are you?

Me:  I don’t know.  I will work that out later.  He is part of my journey.  You’ve nothing to be ashamed about?

Esther:  It will be horrible if you do.  I will die.

Me:  No.  Pretty much my life is an open book to Chuck and so far no one has died.

Esther:  Oh God no.

Me:  Esther, there is no shame in the truth.  There is no shame in doing what you have to do to survive.

Esther:  Should have gone to church more.

Me:  No matter how many times a week you go to church, how much communion you partake of, how much you confess your sins, it doesn’t change the reality of my life and all the parts that make up my life.  It isn’t a story of disgust and hatred but of survival, of living, of life of love and reconciliation.  Right now we are in a period of reconciliation.  You understand that don’t you?

Esther:  So disgusting.

Me:  I love you Esther.  I love all my parts.  You are all incredibly valuable to me and helped me survive my life.   I accept Amy and her experiences just as much as I accept you and your experiences.

Esther:  Go back to church.  Ask for forgiveness.

Me:  The world is my church.  I am in it every moment of every day.  Do you really think that I should be punished and forgiven?  Yes, there are things that I need to ask for forgiveness but my life is not one of them.  The shattering of my soul is not one of them.  The experiences of the parts is not one of them.  Nothing changes what has happened.  The only thing to do now is complete the healing process.  You are part of that.

Esther:  You don’t listen.

Me:  I do listen.  I love you.  I want you to let go of judgment against yourself and the other parts.

Esther:  Who will know right from wrong?

Me:  I will.  My perception about right and wrong is different from your perception.  You gave me a strong foundation.  Thank you.  There is a meadow that you can go to and never experience judgment, shame, condemnation, unforgiveness again.  It is a place of love and peace and acceptance.  It is a place of purity and innocence.  Amy is there and has been transformed as has happened for a lot of the parts.

Esther:  Who will make sure you do the right thing.

Me:  I will.  You’ve done a great job and now it is time for you to rest and have peace.  Time to go now and experience real love and acceptance not based on rules and works.  Can you imagine what that is like?

Esther:  No.

Me:  Wait until you see and experience it.  Time to go now, Esther.  We’ll walk together.

Esther:  Are there bad people there?

Me:  No.  There is no room for bad people.  It is just a place for the parts to go.  Nothing bad ever gets there.  It is perfect peace – perfect love – perfect joy.

Esther:  is it heaven?

Me:  Heaven on earth.

Esther:  Will I be accepted?

Me:  Without a doubt.  Do you see it?

Esther:  It is beautiful.  Streams run through it.  Pure water and the air is so pure.  It is bright and light.  There are rabbits jumping around the feet of the other parts.  They seem so happy.

Me:  Look Amy sees you.  Doesn’t she look different?

Esther:  She is beautiful.

Me:  She is.  It is time for you to move into the meadow Esther.  Thank you for all that you did for me.  Thank you for giving me faith in God.  Thank you for the gifts.

Esther walks in.  Amy meets her and takes her hand.  The parts are as one now.

God:  Great job.

Me:  That was painful on both sides.  Different ways of helping.

God:  Are you still feeling disgusted with yourself?

Me:  I am feeling some shame.  So I don’t feel disgusted with myself unless I think about someone else in my life today knowing it all.  I feel disgusted if Chuck is going to read it.  Otherwise I am not as disgusted.  Private.  Keep it quiet.  No one knows.  Yes, I can live with that.  Silence.

God:  It isn’t fair to your parts to keep silent.  Amy got her freedom.  Esther got her freedom.  Now it is on you to speak their truths.  Part of letting go of the shame and the secrets is telling.  It isn’t your shame.  The shame was given to you by your parents.  The parents are responsible for creating value and love in a child’s life.  They are models for how children feel about themselves and the choices they make.  It is important for you to share it.  I know it is hard.  You fear rejection.  You feel embarrassed.  There is no judgment of you.

Me:  I don’t believe that.

God:  Judgment.  Accept that it was a part of you coping and living out life the only way she knew.  Love that in her.  Love yourself.  If people judge you, then learn from the judgment and the lesson it gives.

Me:  I just feel so different from others.

God:  I know you do.

Me:  Maybe if I share it, it will help me find my value.  Interesting that my shame and disgust increases with sharing it.

God:  Externalizing it?

Me:  Yes.  I guess I feel shameful in the external world and the external world judges me.

God:  If it stays inside you can contain it and not have to risk more rejection, more abandonment, more hurt.

Me:  Yes.  When I look at all of this and the whole thing about me, I feel who could want me or be around me or love me?

God:  You would be surprised when it is the right people.  It is a lot to handle and not everyone can handle it.  That has nothing to do with you at all.  You stand in your truth and it touches the people it needs to touch.  Some will be afraid of your truth and walk away.  Others will disbelieve you because it is beyond their comprehension.  Others will judge you because they fail to understand.    You are not alone anymore.

Me:  I know but for how long?

God:  Let it be.  Don’t worry about it or define it or control it.  Let it be.

Me:  I was resting today and a thought came to me.  As a child I played many different roles:  daughter, wife, lover, whore, friend, sister.  A lot of parts helped me with it.  My value was in all those roles.  I don’t know if I am saying this right or even how to say it.  When my roles are limited in my current life such as at my job, do I feel less value?  If I did everything and be everything, would I then feel valuable?  Do I have to be all and do all to feel valuable?  Do boundaries limit my value?

God:  You can’t continue through life being everything to everyone.  No one can.  Look what happened as a child.  You had to split off to do it.  You are grown up now and don’t have to do it.

Me:  It makes me feel like they perceive me as incompetent when they want someone else.

God:  They recognize you can only do so much and they aren’t asking you to do more.

Me:  Then I am not valuable.

God:  That is a lie.  They value you so much they don’t want you burned out.

Me:  I don’t believe that.

God:  You don’t have to believe it.  It is time to give up the fight.  You don’t have to be everything to everybody to feel valuable.

Me:  You know Chuck says it is because he values himself that other people value him and when I value myself then I will know other people value me.

God:  True.  Do you see, though, that not all people value Chuck or like Chuck.

Me:  I know.

God:  That is right.  You and Chuck will both draw people to you and they may not be the same people or the same way.  You are both very different in how you express your souls.  People will respond differently to you than to touch but it doesn’t mean he is better than you.  You can’t measure your value against Chuck or anyone else.  Your value is in your self-integrity and staying true to all that you know to be good and right and just and true.

Me:  All my life I’ve been compared to other people:  “Why can’t you be more like Susan?  She is so pretty and kind.”  “Why can’t you be more like your sister and brother and get along.”  “You will never be pretty.”  “See that fat woman over there, you are going to be just like her.”  “You will never amount to anything.”  On and on and on.

God:  Then it sounds like a good time to let the comparisons go.  They don’t serve a purpose and keep you down.  Your parents are in spirit now and have a different perspective.  People don’t have to less than you for you to feel good about yourself anymore than you feel less about yourself because you perceive people are better than you.

Me:  I know.  I get it.  My heart needs to get it.

God:  Sounds like the tapes – the programs need to be unchained, boxed up and burned.  What do you say?

Me:  I agree.  That is already happening isn’t it?

God:  Yes it is.  Those tapes you still hold onto from your parents need to go and only you can sever the chains.  They have no purpose.  This time I want you to right down on a piece of paper every tape that keeps you bound like the ones you just wrote about.  In the next few days write down every negative program that comes to mind.

Me:  Okay I can do that.

God:  A little more enthusiasm.

Me:  I am just wondering if it will work.

God:  If you do it sincerely with intent, it works.  The challenge is not inviting them back in.

Me:  I look forward to this exercise.  My intent is to sever each and every program.  I ask that each negative program and tape presents themselves.  I ask for knowledge on how to counter program.

God:  Good.  You’ve done a lot of work today.  It is time for you to give some rest to yourself and allow all the processing to seep in.  How are you feeling?

Me:  I am tired.  I am sad.  I want it all to stay in my heart.  I want the process to be done.  This has been every day since August 12th.

God:  Yes.  Good focus.

Me:  It is exactly what I’ve needed in my life.  It has been so painful, so revealing.

God:  Yes.  Tomorrow you reconnect with your mother and father.  Important you rest tonight.

Me:  Are there more parts?

God:  Yes.  Not many.  Just let them show themselves.  Don’t worry about it anymore.

Me:  It seems like such a long time not connecting with my parents.

God:  You have a lot to say.

Me:  Actually I don’t have a lot to say.

God:  The words and feelings will come.  Rest tonight and allow the transformation work deep within you.  You are loved.

My Comments:  I read this from 3 years ago and I am struck by how issues continue to raise their head until the root is fully healed.  While much better, I find I still struggle with value and worthiness.  It isn’t as bad as a long time ago.  I think I found it and just when I believe that, another layer is pulled back providing me the gift of knowing there is still some work to do.  That is where I am today.  Thank you for taking the time to read this.  I trust that it will help others wherever they are in the journey including friends and family of those hurt.  For all os us we have parts within whether fully dissociated or fully conscious.  Going to those parts to learn more about myself has been very valuable.  Have a blessed day.  Mary

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This entry was posted in Emotional Abuse, Loving Self, Physical Abuse, Sexual Abuse, Transformation and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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