The body slept last night but not so sure the rest of me slept. Dreams. Not bad dreams but some sadness associated with them. Wanted to sleep more.
I realized this morning that I am not in the center of my heart. I am blown away by that. Chuck is in the center of my heart. Even in the midst of this processing, mother and father are in my heart as well as God and Benedikte and my daughter and her family. The missing person is me. I am not in the center of my heart. I am not sure how that can be. It is though. It is as clear as the sun shining on a cloudless day. How do I get into the center of my heart? How do I fall in love with myself? How do I do all that?
God: You finally figured that out.
Me: God, it would have been helpful to know that in the beginning of process, don’t you think!!
God: You knew it just not in your heart. It had to be you who figured it out in your heart. No one could tell you. What is your affirmation about loving yourself:
Me: I don’t know how I love and value myself fully and completely. I only know that I do now love and value myself fully and completely…..
God: And so it is and so it is and so it is. You have found the answer.
Me: How do I move to the center of my heart? Not my head?
God: How did the people there get to be in the center of your heart? Your mother and father caused you a great deal of pain; Chuck hurt you; your daughter has hurt you. How are they worthy of being in the center of your heart and you are not?
Me: I don’t know. I was never taught to love myself. I was never taught I was lovable. I was never taught to expect love. I was always taught that everyone else is more important and valuable then I.
God: Guess those are programs that you can transform. The truth is that you are the most important person to be in the center of your heart completely and fully. It is from that place that you love and value yourself. It is from that place that you can truly love another person and spirit. It is that place that you find you acceptable to yourself. It is from that place that you find that because you are not loved by another or are not valued by another that you are okay. It is the place of stability where you are firmly planted. People can come and go in and out of your life. It may hurt and it may be great. Either way you are okay. You are safe. You are safe in the center of your heart.
Me: I get that. How do I get there?
God: How did the others get there?
Me: Acceptance of who they are. Forgiveness. Allowing.
God: Can you accept yourself and all that has happened and all that you’ve done and all the hurt you caused? Can you forgive yourself for whatever it is that you need forgiveness for? Can you allow yourself to fully human and imperfect move into your heart?
Me: I think so.
God: What does your heart want? What does your heart tell you?
Me: My heart wants to love and be love. My heart wants me to be the absolute center of the heart connected to the people there and the people yet to come into my heart. The vibrational energy is love. How do I get there? I choose it. How does it happen?
God: You open your heart to yourself as you opened your heart to others. You let go of the fear of living in your heart. You accept co-existing in your heart with others you opened to. You let go of the control. Allow love to flow into your heart, through your heart, out of your heart. You value you above all others. You honor all of who you are, all of your experiences, all of your feelings. When your heart becomes a safe place, then all of your parts will move from the meadow and merge in your heart with you to be one. First, you need to take up residence in your heart creating in it safety and love and nurturing that you give to others. You need to be your safe place.
Me: I want that so much. I want to fall in love with myself.
God: Do you love you above all others?
God: Do you forgive yourself for imperfection and accept yourself?
Me: Yes. I forgive myself without doubt. I completely accept myself.
God: Will you choose to stop hurting yourself emotionally, spiritually and physically regardless of what is happening in your life?
Me: I do now and forever keep myself safe from harmful people and from myself.
God: Will you let go of all judgment about you and your journey?
God: Will you accept the beautiful person you are inside and outside?
Me: That is tough because I don’t feel beautiful.
God: It is important for you to see your beauty that exists within and out of you. You are beautiful and magnificent. It means to stop calling yourself ugly which is, I might add, is emotionally hurting yourself.
Me: I accept all of my beauty as I am a beautiful woman.
God: Will you value yourself above all others?
Me: I do value myself now above all others.
God: Will you honor your own feelings and thoughts regardless of what they are or mean?
Me: I honor them as being a part of me.
God: Are you willing for self-doubt, self-hatred, self debasement, to be pulled out of your heart and planted with self-confidence, self love, self esteem in its place?
Me: Yes. Actually yes. I am ready for that and feel relief for that to happen.
God: Are you ready for a clean and pure heart where love grows for yourself first and then for others?
Me: I am.
God: Close your eyes. Go into your heart and dig up all the roots of self hatred, self doubt, self abuse, guilt, shame, and pull them out. Pulling strong and you can do it. You alone can pull up these roots and transform them with new plantings. Let me know when they are gone.
Me: They are firmly rooted, God. They are as rooted as anything else. I am committed to these in my heart. I need to break the commitment and commit to my own magnificence.
God: I am here with you. It is for you to do if you choose. The choice is always yours.
Me: I choose. It hurts to pull them up.
God: Only for a moment. They are used to being in residence there.
Me: I want to send these to the meadow into the light for future transplantation.
God: Good. You value the gifts of those roots. Good for you.
Me: They’ve been my friends and co sojourners on my life journey. I appreciate them and love them and accept them. They no longer need to be in my heart as I am fully capable of living in the center as love, as kindness,.
God: Yes you are. Are they up yet.
Me: They are up. I am holding them. My tears washing over them. My friends. It is such a deep hurt. Sorrow. Thank you for being with me all of my life. I am ready to let you go and transform. I am ready to love myself fully and completely. I am taking you to the meadow. You will be safe there and come to understand the light and transform. When I am ready, your transformed self will rejoin me and I look forward to that moment.
God: You are having some trouble letting go..
Me: I am. They have been my identity for so long. Who am I without them? Can I live without them? Will I be too vulnerable without them?
God: They have been a gift for you. They have defined you and you are ready for transformation and new definitions of who you are. Like a new baby, you will learn to experience life fully and completely. You are okay if you choose to let them go.
Me: What if I fail?
God: That is self=doubt. In your new life there can be no failure – just opportunities for further growth. You will waiver and you will choose the best for you because you are strong and wise and competent and you LOVE yourself. You are love.
Me: They are so familiar to be and the rest isn’t.
God: They keep you from experiencing the glory of your life. Replace your fear with love.
Me: Good bye my friends. Thank you. I leave you in the meadow. Good bye.
God: Are they gone.
Me: Yes. They are gone.
God: Go ahead and cry. It is good to wash it all away with your tears. Let them prepare your heart for you.
Me: I’ve said goodbye so often these past few months. I am so happy for them to be in the meadow. Always there is a little sadness to let them go. Not that I want them to stay.
God: Lifelong friends, your helpmates on your life journey. You, when ready, will all be reunited as one and become one heart.
Me: I feel peace. I feel calm.
God: Good. Are you ready to enter your heart to be the absolute center of your heart planting love, peace, acceptance, harmony, joy, freedom?
Me: I am ready.
God: Walk into your heart. Open your heart and plant the new seeds. You live now in the center of your heart. You are one with your heart. You are love. You trust yourself. You love yourself. You create a safe place for all of you. You are your safe place. A place of freedom.
Me: I am there in the center of my heart. I feel its life blood flowing through. I plant seeds of love, value, worth, peace, trust, joy with intention and my heart is alive and flourishes.
God: Good Mary. Proud of you.
Me: I feel my love for myself. I feel delighted with myself. I commit to loving myself.
God: And so it is and so it is and so it is.
Me: Thank you mother, father God.