Healing from Sexual Abuse – A Transformational Journey – Part 46

God:  Well Mary.  It is time for you to reconnect with your mother and father.

Me:  It has been a long time.  Have they been present the entire time?

God:  Yes.  They have witnessed the process.

Me:  Why didn’t they show themselves?

God:  Because you would have avoided processing out of anger towards them.  It was important for you to see the truth of your life.  Important for you to rescue the parts.  Important for you to find love for yourself.  You sound a little angry?

Me:  I don’t know if I am angry.  I feel defensive like I have to protect myself around them.  I know they are in Spirit and incapable of hurting me yet I feel the need to protect myself from them.

God:  After all you’ve processed the past week or two, that doesn’t surprise me.  You’ve become very vulnerable.  You’ve been able to surrender and you’ve found love for yourself.  This past processing has been dealing with the human parents who caused you so much pain.

Me:  There has been so much pain.  So much hurt and devastation.  It has been tremendous.

God:  Yes.  And now it is time to connect with them.  They cannot and are incapable of hurting you.  You are safe because you create safety for yourself.  Be not afraid for I am with you.  I am your God.  I will strengthen you.

Me:  Okay open the door.

I am not sure how I will feel reconnecting with my mother and father.  I haven’t been really angry and so don’t want to go down that route unless I am supposed to.  I feel a little fearful, but I know there is nothing to fear.  The truth is what the truth is and it is all out there now.  I don’t think there is anymore!

Spirit:  We’ve been here watching you process through these events in your life.

Me:  I know.  God told me.

Spirit:  You’ve been so courageous and strong just like we knew you would.

Me:  No thanks to you.

Spirit:  We remain with you.

Me: I know.  I am not sure how I feel reconnecting with you.

Spirit:  Feel what you feel and be honest.

Me:  These last events have been very hard and painful to process.  There was so much devastation and shame and guilt.  I didn’t want anyone to see it.  I just wanted to hide away and die.

Spirit:  These were the most difficult for you.  You didn’t hide away and die.  Look at you.  You shared it with Chuck.  You rescued many parts and took them to the meadow.  You entered into the center of your heart.  That is so magnificent.

Me:  Yea.  It is magnificent.  I found my strength to move through it.  I want to deal with the human dad on this and yet you are no longer in human form.  I have two questions.  One from a human perspective and one from a spirit perspective.  First from the human perspective:  How could you ever think that putting me through so much trauma was okay?

Spirit:  I human form, I was so addicted to power, control, money and manipulation that it never crossed my mind how it would affect you.  Truly, as a human, I never expected you to remember the events.  I expected they would be hidden from you forever.  I didn’t think about you and how it would affect you.  I thought only of myself and my needs and my desires.

Me:  That was honest and I appreciate it.  Although I am blown away that any human being could believe their abusive behavior would not affect anyone.  That is egocentric narcissistic thinking.

Spirit:  It was.  I was a selfish man.

Me:  You were perceived as giving by the community.

Spirit:  All illusions.  Obviously home and community had a different role.  Are you feeling angry with me?

Me:  Not really.  I think the anger is gone for which I am glad.  I wish I hadn’t experienced what I experienced.  I wish I hadn’t had to hurt that way.  I wish I had loving parents and wonder how my life would have been different.  I wonder sometimes.

Spirit:  Is there a purpose for you to wish for a different experience?  Does it hurt you or help you to think that way?

Me:  It makes me feel sad.  I want it to be different.  I know it isn’t.  I know no amount of wishing it changes it.  It is my journey.

Spirit:  Your second question?

Me:  Now that you are in spirit and see all that you created and participated in, how does it affect you?

Spirit:  It doesn’t really affect me.  Your pain is tremendous.  Your separation complete.  Your shattered soul was in pieces.  My heart has hurt with your heart.   I know we gave you the experience you asked for – brokenness, devastation, separation and healing and finding your way back while keeping love alive.  You are finding reconciliation.

Me:  You did an outstanding job – you and mother.  I can’t imagine asking for these specific experiences.  I am not sure with knowledge that I would ask for these specific experiences.

Spirit:  You are so strong.  The experience had to at least match your strength and challenge it for you to learn the lessons you desire.  Brokenness does not come easy to you.

Me:  You succeeded.

Spirit:  We are proud of you.  You are incredible and magnificent.  Look at what you accomplished.  You’ve come so far and your strength has grown as has your love.  You’ve found truth that you were seeking.  You are finding oneness.  You are loving yourself and finding your value apart from your experiences.

Me:  My experiences don’t define me.  They have  for a long time and I didn’t know it.  I am greater than the sum of my experiences.  I don’t ever want to forget.  I don’t ever want to repeat this.

Spirit:  Fairly tough.

Me:  You did your job well.

Mother:  You are so strong.  I can’t imagine ever being that strong.  Had that been me in human form, I am not certain I would have survived.

Me:  From my experience of you in human form, I seriously doubt it.   Where were you when all this was going on?

Mother:  In human form, oblivious.  I just didn’t connect the dots.

Me:  You did not want to connect the dots.  As long as you didn’t have to deal with me, you were fine.

Mother:  That was true.  You were the manifestation of the familie’s problems.  Everyone thought you were crazy and bad.  It worked.

Me:  Pleased with yourself?

Mother:  As a human no.  In spirit, I understand the importance of not providing you a shelter or a safe place.  You needed to be stripped of everything and then some.  I felt your pain as I watched you go through the past several days of processing.  So many times I wanted to stop the process and provide a way for you never to remember and just see you heal.  I understood that the process was very important for you to be able to finish your journey.  Remembering the experiences, watching the experiences and rescuing the shattered parts of yourself was essential for reconciliation – for experiencing oneness and complete restoration.  You did well.

Me:  I thought I would be angry when we reconnected.  I don’t feel angry.  I don’t want to fight.  I want to learn.  I want to grow.  Enough of my life has been wasted on you two.

Mother:  Not wasted.  None of your life has been a waste.  All of it a gift of life.  A gift towards restoration.  No, not wasted.

Me:  I know.  I think if I come back in another lifetime I want to understand the real genuine love of parents who create confidence, value in me.  How about that?

Mother:  I doubt that will be what you choose, but it sounds good.

Me:  I’ve always blamed position, power, money on my pain, my abuse, my abandonment.  I’ve learned those are all good if used in the right way.

Spirit:  In human form I used and abused all of what I was given.  I hurt you with them.  I hurt other people with them.

Me:  I’ve rejected all of it in this lifetime because I felt those things were evil and responsible for creating harm to people.  I’m learning that it is the person who has those tools who determines how to use them.  Using them for good could be quite powerful.  Using them for good could create wonderful experiences for people.  It isn’t those things that define a person.  It is the person who defines power, control and money.

Spirit:  What a valuable lesson you’ve learned.  It is something many don’t understand or ever get.

Me:  I’ve been through a lot.  Experienced a lot – saw a lot.  This past week showed me so much.  I can’t believe I am not angry with you.

Spirit:  I understand rage went to the meadow and a lot of parts are there.

Me:  That is right.   I guess God knew what he was doing to keep you away from the processing of the past week or so.  I don’t know that I would have come so far otherwise.

Spirit:  God is wise as you are.

Me:  I am so strong.  I am so magnificent.  Look where I’ve been and look where I am.

Spirit:  Atta girl!

Me:  There is more though.

Spirit:  A little more.  Some more truths for you to see.  Some programming changes.  Some more lessons.  Almost done.

Me:  I am glad.  I’ve always said I would miss you when this is done but I am coming to understand that you will always be with me even if we aren’t having this level of interaction.

Spirit:  Always with you.  We won’t need to have this level of interaction.  We will always be there for you guiding you helping to light the way for you.

Me:  That is good.  I never want you far away.

Spirit:  Never have been.  You just didn’t want to know before.

Me:  You were working through Chuck weren’t you.

Spirit:  He is an open vessel and has done well.

Me:  He has.

Spirit:  Tell him thank you.

Me:  He will read it.  I wanted to stop sharing it with him when all this latest stuff started coming up.  I was afraid he would leave or think I’m crazy or focus on my damage.  I felt so ashamed and guilty.  I wanted to fight with him.

Spirit:   There is no reason for you two to fight anymore.  It is behind you.  It served a purposed and no longer works.  I knew he wouldn’t leave.  I knew he had the strength to walk with you.  I know he loves you deeply.

Me:  It takes a strong person to walk with me to be honest with me to be here energetically.  I am grateful.

Spirit:  It isn’t finished.  Just know that.  You are strong and capable.  Your healing will solidify.  Your love for yourself will blossom.  You truly will come to reunifying with your birth spirit.

Me:  What is a birth spirit?

Spirit:  The intrinsic spirit you were born with shattered through all the experiences.  You will be you.  Centered, strong, loving, innocent, pure.

Me:  It is hard to conceive that I could be innocent and pure.

Spirit:  It is true.  Your experiences were perpetrated against you by other people.  You lived only in a way that you knew how to live based on what you knew.  As you grew in your lifetime you grew in your knowledge and could make different choices.  Yes, innocent and pure.   You will find that within yourself.

Me:  I have faith that what you say is true.

Spirit:  You will find it.

Me:  I am glad we are connected again.  I feel love for you.

Spirit:  And I for you.

Me:  A peaceful love.

Spirit:  Yes.

Me:  I don’t know where the journey is going next.  I do know I have some work to do on reprogramming.  I know I am open to learning from my earthly school.

Spirit:  New opportunities and challenges.  Job well done Mary.  Go and rest now.

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