Healing from Sexual Abuse – A Transformational Journey – Part 47

Woke up this morning and really didn’t want to go to work and be around people.  Feel so vulnerable and I know being around people changes my experience of the weekend.  It was hard to go to work.  Tonight I feel so very sad and my heart hurts.

Spirit Dad:  What are you feeling sad about?

Me:  Letting go.  I am letting go of expectations, wants, people and just living my life.

Spirit Dad:  Letting go makes room for new people and new experiences and new feelings.

Me:  I know.  It also means loss.  Sorrow.  I just don’t see anything new moving in its place.

Spirit Dad:  Remain open and alive.  You want to rush through it.

Me:  I want not to feel the pain anymore.  I want

Spirit Dad:  I love you.  You want to be loved and you don’t feel anyone loving you.  I love you.  Chuck loves you, your family loves you.

Me:  I really don’t want to talk about this tonight.  Here is a song Chuck found that reminded him of you and me.  Circle Dance.

I dont’ know why it should be so hard
Givin’ up this circle dance
Worn out steps from long ago
don’t give love a chance

It’s a bitter heirloom handed down
these twisted parts we play
I’m not her and you’re not him
It just comes out that way

Can’t go back to make things right
(though I) wish I’d understood
time has made things clearer now
We did the best we could

I’ll be home soon, that’s what you’d say
And a little kid believes
After a while I learned that love
Must be a thing that leaves

I tried so hard just to hold you near
Was as good as I could be
Even when I had you here
You stayed so far from me

Can’t go back to make things right
(though I) wish I’d understood
Time has made things clearer now
You did the best you could

Now that this has occurred to me
I just wanted you to know
I’ve been too faithful all my life
It’s time to let you go

Me:  I don’t think I can talk tonight.  I am so full of emotion and sadness and heartache.  I don’t know what to say or anything.

Spirit Dad:  Can you speak about it?

Me:  No.  I can only feel it.  I want the feelings to stop and go away.

Spirit Dad:  I know.  It is important to experience the feelings.

Me:  I don’t want to.  I just want them to go away.

Spirit Dad:  You are healing.

Me:  You don’t understand.

Spirit Dad:  I do understand.  I remember when you and Michael split up.  It happened at Thanksgiving time.  You came to my house that year for dinner.  I don’t remember if Jocelyn were with you or not.  What I remember about that night was how much pain you were in over the loss of Michael.  You cried all evening and stayed in my room so as not to be around all the people I had there.  Your heart was broken and you had given up that night.  I’ve never seen you that way before or since.  It was like a lifetime of abandonment and loss all experienced in one night.  I couldn’t comfort you that night because that wasn’t our relationship.  What I am sensing from you right now is that same feeling that you had that night.  Deep, emotional pain.  I love you.

Me:  I remember that night.  I thought I would die.  I’ve never felt such pain and loss and hurt and abandonment.  All I could do was cry and it went on for hours and hours and hours in your bed in your bedroom.  Your friend Mary came in to offer comfort.  She was so kind.  Never had I experienced such kindness.  I cried and she knew there was nothing she could do or say to change it for me.  She brought me soup and sat with me and I cried and cried.  Such a broken heart.  It wasn’t a marriage made in heaven by any means.  He was abusive and mean to me having multiple affairs.  But it was okay as long as he didn’t leave me.  I would take anything so as not to be left.  He left anyway.  I was unworthy and unlovable.

Spirit Dad:  I know.  There was no changing it for you.

Me:  I still feel that way even though I am in the center of my heart right now.  It feels broken again and I haven’t a clue.

Spirit Dad:  You continued building strong walls to keep people away.  You had 57 years of building.  Those walls are coming down by your choice and you feel vulnerable and scared and are remembering the losses and the feelings.  You are letting parts of you go that have taken care of you all your life and you are left with your feelings.  You are becoming real.  Think of the Velveteen Rabbit and it is the ability to love others and to receive love that make you real.   When you entered the center of your heart it opened all the feelings you have kept away from yourself around love and abandonment.

Me:  I don’t want anybody to see those or know those feelings.

Spirit Dad:  You feel vulnerable.

Me:  Yes.  Way too vulnerable and it all hurts too much and I want to go away.

Spirit Dad:  That is something you can do but you are choosing a different path now.   You don’t like Chuck seeing your vulnerability do you?

Me:  No I don’t.  This is where I want to shut him out.

Spirit Dad:  You could do that, you know.  Is it the best for you in the long run?

Me:  I don’t know.  Safer.  Feeling vulnerable and being around people never works for me.  This is uncomfortable.  It was hard enough to share the experiences and the process.  Right now it is hard to be vulnerable around him or around anyone including you.

Spirit Dad:  It is growth for you.

Me:  Maybe what I’ve done is enough.  I’ve grown a lot.  I’ve healed a lot.  I moved into the center of my heart.  Parts have gone to the light of the meadow.   I’m not experiencing anger towards you.  I am glad we are reconnected.

Spirit Dad:  Is it enough for you Mary Lynn?  Is it enough?  I’ve known you since before incarnation.  I know you now.  Is it enough?

Me:  Yes it is enough.

Spirit Dad:  This is such a critical part of your healing and you want to run from it.

Me:  You know why that it is.  If you have known me all this time then you know why that is.

Spirit Dad:  I know why that is, but do you really know why it is?  You are feeling fearful.

Me:  I am afraid of losing it all of having to once again live with all the loss.  I honestly don’t know how much more loss I can handle.  It has been so much.  It is just the loss of people in my life, or love in my life, or things in my life.  It is a loss of illusions and loss of parts of me that helped me along the way.  It is the loss of dreams that I didn’t know were dreams.

Spirit Dad:  Loss of control?

Me:  I don’t know.  This is all irritating me right now.

Spirit Dad:  What you are experiencing tonight is not the same as you have in the past.

Me:  It is doubly hard.  I wish you were here right now and comfort me, but then again that never has been our relationship.  Once again.  Alone.

Spirit Dad:  You are worthy and beautiful.  You are kind and just.  You are giving.  You are loving.  As the song goes that you shared with me, you are too faithful.  Too loyal.  It is time to give up the fight.  No more nights.

Me:  I know.  Hopeless hope and all that I lived with all my life.  I want more for people than they want for themselves.

Spirit Dad:  Do you want more for yourself, though?  You settle and everyone becomes more important than you.

Me:  I don’t know what I want at this time.  What is want is gone.  What I want is unattainable.  What I want is unavailable.

Spirit Dad:  You have to know what you truly want.

Me:  I want to go away.

Spirit Dad:  You just go with yourself and you know that.

Me:  I know.  Too bad.

Spirit Dad:  You made a commitment to value and honor yourself above all others.  No greater love is there than a man lay down his/her life for a friend.

Notes from 3 years later:  Talking with my parents in spirit was/is very normal for me.  At that time I needed to find some answers, some understading.  Things that were not and could not be found during their lifetime on earth because the emotional abuse continued long into my adulthood.  I’ve had to ask myself am I okay that people know this about me.  I am very private person and being this open publicly wasn’t my norm.  I have moments when it challenges me  for sure.  I do this for myself and trusting that someone/somewhere may gain some understanding that this trauma is deep and pervasive.  If you are a partner of someone hurt  I trust it gives you some understanding.  If you are someone who is hurting another, I trust it gives you some understanding of the effects of your choices.  If you are someone so damaged, I trust this helps you to not feel so alone.

This entry was posted in Elder Abuse, Emotional Abuse, Loving Self, Sexual Abuse, Transformation and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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