It has been a rough day of feelings and emotions. I am in the center of my heart and now all these heart issues are coming up. Didn’t expect that. Really didn’t see it coming.
Spirit: I love you and I am here for you. Your mother and I and a host of others.
Me: What I need is just to be able to process it. It isn’t important who is here for me or not. What is important is healing the heart. That is what is important about all else. Maybe that is why so much heart stuff is coming up. Maybe the heart isn’t healed.
Spirit: Good possibility.
Me: I know, but you know the heart stuff isn’t comfortable for me. Sometimes there aren’t words for the feelings. Sometimes there are things better left unsaid. I know that I have never gotten in trouble for keeping my silence. I know I get in trouble for my words.
Spirit: That is in the past and you’ve moved on. What is the worse that can happen?
Me: The worse that could happen is to never speak the words and keep my heart from growing.
Spirit: That is right. You are in the center of your heart.
Me: Now that it is said I don’t believe there are expectations.
Spirit: It is time to examine the heart places. I know you don’t want to, but there are hurt places that haven’t healed.
Me: If you are talking about Michael, it is healed. It took a long time, but it healed. I don’t hardly even think of him anymore. He just hasn’t been a part of anything in my life for many, many years.
Spirit: That night on Thanksgiving there was a deep expression of pain and loss that I never saw you go through before or since. You experienced loss and pain, but that was intense. Hours and hours of crying.
Me: There probably was more built into that release than just him. With him gone, the semblance I would have in being okay was gone. You did such a good job on my worthlessness, I believed he was what I deserved and I deserved no better. If I couldn’t even hold on to a man who beat me, who could possibly want me? I wasn’t the cream of the crop nor a great catch. I was damaged goods.
Spirit: You didn’t deserve the beatings and he didn’t deserve you.
Me: It happened. I loved him so much and he was gone. I gave him all of me that I was capable of giving. I know now that it was dysfunctional, but then I didn’t. I thought if I could just love him more, take care of him more, have more sex. I don’t know. I always felt it was my failure and I wasn’t good enough or did good enough. It was just like you guys – nothing was good enough. No sense of myself or anything. Yet I loved him.
Spirit: You had no sense of yourself when you married him and it was even more deeply buried.
Me: I don’t really feel sad about it though. That night I remember the pain and the loss. That night my heart experienced brokenness that I don’t know that I would ever recover.
Spirit: How did you recover?
Me: Eventually I just pulled myself up by the bootstraps and moved on but it took a long time. I moved to Idaho and it helped not being near him. It took years to let go of him though because I couldn’t let go of the failure and the if onlys. If only I had loved better. If Only I were healthier. If Only……
Spirit: You carried the responsibility for the marriage and the disintegration of the marriage.
Me: Yes – but still no feelings of sadness. That seems to be all okay.
Spirit: He beat you and you offered yourself freely for that as long as he wouldn’t leave. How is that okay?
Me: That is no longer me. I would never do that again. I’ve come a long way. I do have some self-worth and value. Maybe it isn’t a lot yet, but it is there.
Spirit: So you would never choose a man like that again?
Me: No absolutely not. No more abuse. I gave all that up a long time ago.
Spirit: Do you believe someone who was kind and loving could choose you? Are you worthy of a man who treats you well?
Me: Don’t know that. In my head I say yes. In my heart I am not so sure. I am not what you say good catch. I don’t look good on a man’s arm. I have a lot of damage. I really don’t mind being alone.
Spirit: What about your heart? What about your ability to love another person in spite of yourself? What about your compassion? Are they not worth a lot.
Me: If I were choosing someone those qualities would be important to me. I don’t look at someone from the outside in. I look at the heart which is, by the way, got me connected to Michael. I just missed the damaged part of him.
Spirit: When you come from a place of brokenness and damage, you will connect with someone broken and damaged. That part of Michael drew you to him because he could get you and you could get him. The two of you needed each other and fed into one another’s brokenness.
Me: I am not there anymore.
Spirit: You closed men off in your life.
Me: Because I chose unwisely.
Spirit: You are healing that part of yourself. The part you hid away from men so you would never suffer in the same way again.
Me: Is there a reason to heal that part of me?
Spirit: Yes. It isn’t whether or not you have relationships with men again. It is healing that part of you to be whole and not cut off.
Me: I don’t feel connected to that part.
Spirit: You’ve moved to your head away from your heart. You pretty much have been there in this discussion. Move to your heart and see with your heart.
Me: There is pain and disappointment there. In me and my choices.
Spirit: Can you let that part speak?
Me: I don’t know. I honestly don’t know.
Spirit: What are you afraid of?
Me: I don’t know?
God: Mary, close your eyes and see if you can connect with the part?
Me: This part has several walls of brick around her encasing her. She is standing in there and it is a very small space like the side of a well but above aground and bricks all around.
God: How do you feel with her there?
Me: Fine. She looks safe and well protected.
God: How does she feel? Go inside and look?
Me: She is trying to find a way out. She feels closed in.
God: that is right. Can you help her find her way out?
Me: I am not sure why. She seems perfectly safe in there.
God: Maybe she wants out.
Me: I suppose you want me to talk with her.
God: Look at it from your heart. What is she feeling?
Me: She is wanting out.
God: talk to her:
Me: Why do you want out? You look perfectly safe there and can’t be hurt?
Part: I am not safe. I am alone and the bricks are closing in around me and I can’t breathe.
Me: What is it you want?
Part: I want to be out of here. You put me here and then enclosed me. It is like being buried alive.
Mary: Isn’t it safe there. Why do you want to come out?
Part: Because I don’t deserve to be here. I didn’t do anything wrong and you are punishing me.
Me: I didn’t realize I was punishing you. How am I punishing you? I just wanted you safe.
Part: They hurt you. I didn’t hurt you. They hurt you.
Me: You always chose wrong guys, bad guys.
Part: That is all I knew. I didn’t know they were bad. Shouldn’t they be punished and not me.
Me: I just wanted you safe so we wouldn’t hurt anymore. I didn’t mean to hurt you.
Part: Can I come out now?
Me: I have to remove the bricks.
Part: I’m afraid you know.
Me: I know which is why you are there. I want you out of there.
God: Are you ready to take on her feelings and have her move to the meadow?
Me: I want to talk to her more.
Part: I didn’t mean to be bad. I promise. I tried real hard.
Me: I know you did. We kept choosing the wrong people.
Part: I didn’t like the beatings.
Me: I know.
Part: I just didn’t know how.
Me: I know. I am sorry you had to suffer so much. It is tough to have relationships with people when you never knew how to have those relationships.
Part: I tried to be grown up.
Me: It wasn’t your place to be grown up. It was my place and I was so shattered that I didn’t know how to handle it all. I just couldn’t allow all to continue so I locked you away.
Part: Are you better now?
Me: I am better. Do you want to come out of your shelter?
Part: Yes. Am I safe?
Me: Yes. You are safe. I am sorry I haven’t been hearing you. I can handle it now. I am older and wiser. It is time for you to come out of the shelter and go to the meadow. I can take responsibility for us now with men.
Part: Will you be okay without me?
Me: Oh yes. I am fine. I am better now and living in my heart.
Part: That is a good place to be. I always lived in the heart. It hurts a lot.
Me: I know. I am experiencing that. Were you ever happy there?
Part: It really didn’t matter to me whether to be happy or not. I thought I was just doing my job.
Me: Opening to the wrong men.
Part: They were all that I knew.
Me: You are worth more than that you know.
Part: Maybe, maybe not. It just was my experience.
Me: Thank you for handling all those men. You don’t have to anymore. It is all over now. I will protect you from those type of people forever more.
Part: What about good people. Will you let them in?
Me: I do let them in. It just is new to me. I think it will get better you know as I get used to living there. I’m brave and have discernment available to me now. I choose only good and wise people. It really is okay to come out of your shelter now. I take care of us and you can go to the meadow. No more abuse. All done.
Part: It was hard you know all those men. I tried real hard.
Me: I know. You did a great job. You just wanted to be loved and felt desperate and felt grateful they loved you.
Part: I am sorry.
Me: Nothing to be sorry for. Everyone wants to be loved. If you don’t have people to show you that in a healthy way, you only act on what you know. Thank you. You are so worthy of good and healthy love.
Part: I don’t know.
Me: It is up to be now. I want to take you to the meadow and out of the fortress. Are you ready for freedom?
Part: Is it safe there?
Me: Yes. Very safe.
Me: Let me know when you see it.
Part: I see it. Can I go in?
Me: Good bye and thank you. Be free, heal, and be happy. No more hiding.
I watched her go in and realized I had locked that part away and it wasn’t her fault. I just needed a place of safety for her.
God: How do you feel with her out of the fortress?
Me: Actually freer and lighter. I hadn’t realized that I had a part hidden away. She handled all the abuse from the guys – from Michael. She didn’t seem to want to talk much.
God: She just needed to be free. You are her voice.
Me: I don’t have a great track record with men or really women.
God: I know. You are making different choices now.
Me: I know.
Me: I am ready to move on.
God: I know. Stay in your heart even if it feels awkward.
Me: It feels off balance.
God: Because it is new. Because the heart feelings are coming back to you. Because you don’t have the defense of your brain. Stay with it. It is worthwhile. Your heart feelings need healing and you just have to stick with it.
Me: It is hard to have all these feelings.
God: It is wonderful for you to experience all of your feelings.
Me: I mess up.
God: No. You just are living through each moment. Accept all of your feelings as gifts. You are doing wonderful. You get scared of your feelings. People don’t die from their feelings. They are new to you to experience. Love yourself. You are in the center of your heart. Love on yourself. Trust yourself. Trust your feelings. Be gentle with yourself. This is new. One step at a time. Let the tears flow for all of you for what was loss, for the loss possibilities and potentialities and then move on. Embrace the beauty of your life. You are worthy. I love you. Now get some rest.