Healing from Sexual Abuse – A Transformational Journey – Part 49

A short but long night.  A longer day.  It was hard seeing Chuck after sending that letter.  Tonight that seems eons ago because through him I found so much of what is going on with me.  Chuck talked about a part named Worthy locked away in the dark of an attic that needs to be rescued and put in the heart.  He is so right.  Then tonight I came to understand that my heart is still intertwined with human dad and I need to rescue it from him and put it in me.  Then I understood that my heart is looking for a new home outside of me.  Then I realized I seek to disconnect from those who love me rather than from the enmeshment with human dad and from the hand from the cave trying to strangle life out of me and keep me from freedom.  Such a rich day and so painful.

Spirit Dad:  Wow.  That is a lot for the day.

Me:  In gratitude for Chuck for his pushing and loving.  Before I process, Chuck asked me to ask you about his father.  A while back you told him that you knew his father.  So he wants to know which one.

Spirit Dad:  Biological.  Chuck, he is wanting to connect with you.  Think about it.

Me:  Thank you dad.  I thought that is who, but I didn’t want to say for sure.

Spirit Dad:  How has it gone with Chuck?

Me:  I decided this morning to disconnect from him and just move him out of my life.  Feelings are way too confusing.

Spirit Dad:  I am sure that went over well with him!

Me:  Not so much.  You know he is my match in strength.

Spirit Dad:  In some ways.  He loves you deeply.  Just accept his love and allow the beauty of that.

Me:  It isn’t that easy.  The heart is missing.  I may have entered into the center of my heart but my heart is still chained and tied to you in human form.  I just realized that tonight.  The words if you cease to be, I cease to be.  Who am I without you?  I realize that because of all the abuse, power, control, mind control, programming, stripping away of any identity, that all I had was this umbilical cord to you and my heart is your heart – one heart – not separated.  You live, I live.  I want my heart.  I’ve never had my heart.  I’ve never separated from you even though you are dead.  With all the abuse all the boundaries were eliminated, all the lines of separation eliminated and I blended with you.  You took over me and I’ve never taken me back from you.  I’ve never released my heart from you.  I want my heart back.  It is my heart.

Spirit Dad:  Yes it is time for you to separate from the human dad.

God:  This is tough Mary.  Are you ready to proceed?

Me:  I am God.  I need to be surrounded in love tonight.  I need the Spirit Dads with me and I need Chuck with me.

God:  We are all here.  Are you sure you want Chuck?  You’ve not allowed him present in your home.

Me:  Is it okay if he is here?

God:  Only if it is okay with you.

Me:  Tonight I want him here.

God:  Good.

Me:  When I recognized tonight that my heart was all enmeshed and encased in my human father, I sensed and saw a very young part of me holding on to her daddy’s leg tight not wanting to let you.  Not wanting to be apart from him.  She is one with him.

God:  What do you want to do?

Me:  I want to rescue that part.

God:  Take her where?

Me:  I want to take her to the meadow.

God:  We are with you.

I am not sure what to do.  She doesn’t acknowledge me as she is so clingy to the father.  She is holding on so tight and she is so scared of being left.  She is almost glued to him.  I need to know her name.  I sit here and wait for her to reveal herself.  Lynnie.  Lynnie is her name.

Me:  Lynnie.  It is me grown up Mary.

There is no response.

Me:  Lynnie, I know you believe you are part of the dad.  You really are part of me and not of the dad.  You are part of me and I want you back.

She holds on tighter to the dad.

Me:  Lynnie.  I am all grown up now.  There is no more need to hold onto him.  I want you back.  I want you come with me.  You are part of me.  Not of him.

Lynnie:  No.

Me:  Lynnie, the father is dead and is in spirit now.  There is no more need to hold on.  It is time to let go of him.

Lynnie:  No. he’s not dead.

Me:  Lynnie, he is dead.  His heart is no longer.  It is time to let go and come with me and be part of life, not death.

Lynnie:  Hess my dad.  I belong to him.

Me:  No Lynnie.  You don’t belong to him.  That is a lie that he told you.  You are not him and he is not you.  You are separate from him.  You are a part of me.  Lynnie, I love you.  I found you tonight.  I would have come sooner had I known you were here.  I came as soon as I knew.  You are very important to me and a very important part of my life.  He is dead.  The abuse is over and you are free to let go.

Lynnie:  I will die if I let go.

Me:  You will live if you let go.  You will experience freedom and peace and joy.  No more being scared and alone wondering when the next love will come.  He is dead.  Come with me.

I think I see her loosening a grip on his leg.  She is thinking.

Me:  Lynnie, there are a lot of parts in the meadow that I’ve come and rescued.  They are with amber.  Some were scared to go there and they did and now they are so happy.  In the meadow, there is no pain, no sadness, no death – only light and life.

Lynnie:  I can’t leave him.  I need him and he needs me.

Me:  Lynnie, he is dead and doesn’t need you anymore.  You don’t need him.  That isn’t living.  You need to be alive and safe and happy.  Please come with me.  I want you Lynnie.  I want you to let go of him and come with me and I promise you safety, belonging in the meadow.  I love you.

Lynnie:  What happens to him?

Me:  He is dead Lynnie.  Nothing happens to him.  He is in spirit now and can’t hurt you, doesn’t need you.

Spirit Dad:  Mary Lynn can I speak with her.  I won’t without your permission.

Me:  Go ahead.

Spirit Dad:  Lynnie, I was your dad in human form.  I hurt you in human form in so many ways.  I made you part of me because that is what I did in order to give Mary the experience she asked for in this life.  I am no longer there alive in human form.  It is time for you to let go of me and go with Mary.  It is lonely and scary holding on to me.  It is time to let go.  You are not me and I’m not you.  In human form I hurt you.  In spirit form I love you and want to help free you and heal and grow.

Lynnie:  No.  Don’t make me go.

Spirit Dad:  It is time to go.  Time to be set free.  I am not you and you are not me.  If you go with Mary, she will keep you safe and you can heal and find out you are you and that is great to be because you are you.  Time to let me go and go with Mary.  Time for you be free.  It is okay.  Time to let me go and go with Mary.  You will be safe with her.  Just let go.  Time for good-bye.

Mary:  It is okay.  I know it is hard but once you let go it really gets easier.  You will go with me to the meadow and find love and peace and happiness.  You are not him and he is not you.  You are separate from him.  If you let go, I will come and get you.  I love you and I am ready for you.

God:  Lynnie, you are safe.  You are not your dad and he is not you.  Your dad is in spirit and there is no more pain.  Mary is ready for you.  She found you tonight.  That is something that she found you because she never knew you were there.  You are special and tonight are your night to be free.  You have to let go of your dad.

Lynnie:  I can’t let go.  I will die.

Mary:  No Lynnie.  It only feels like you will die.  You will come with me and feel more alive.  I promise you Lynnie. I promise.  I promise to never leave you or abandon you.  I promise.

I see her release her hands on the legs and she wobbles a bit.  I go to her and catch her.

Me:  Lynnie that is such a great job.  You let go of him and you lived.  You can breathe without him.  Take my hand and let’s walk to the meadow where you will never, ever be alone again.  You will never, ever feel that if they die you die.  You will never ever have to let go again.  You will always have love and be love and be loved.  There is light and freedom.

Lynnie:  I am scared.  I can’t see him.  WHERE DID HE GO?

Me:  Lynnie, he is in Spirit now.  He is no longer alive.  He is gone.  When you let go of him and he let go of you, you became free and he became free.  No more abuse.  No more pain.  No more being one with him.  You get to be you now.  I know it feels scary.  In the meadow it will feel better.  I promise.

Lynnie:  Are you staying in the meadow?

Me:  No Lynnie.  I have more work to do and the meadow is a place for the parts to heal and become stronger in the light.  Once you go there you never have to go back to what you lived in the past.  When human dad abused you, he took away who you are.  Now you get to be who you are.  Wonderful.

Lynnie:  What will I do in the meadow?

Me:  Amber will come and meet you and take you in.  It is awesome.  Let me know when you see it?

Lynnie:  I think I see it.  It is so bright.  Look at all the parts in there.  Is that Amber?

Me:  Yes Amber is here to take your hand and walk with you in the meadow.  You won’t need to hold her hand for very long because you are safe to be you.  Good bye Lynnie.  Thank you for coming with me.  This is important for me and for all of us.  I love you.

I let go of her hand as Amber takes her hand.  She seems a little reluctant and looks back at me.

Me:  Lynnie.  It is okay to go.

She turns her head and walks with Amber into the meadow.  I can’t believe how strong her commitment was to the human dad.  How much a part of him she was.  Letting go tonight was huge for her.  Huge for me.

God:  Wow.  That was huge Mary.  Good job rescuing her.

Me:  I couldn’t believe it tonight when I became aware of her there and how completely tied to him she was and she needed her freedom so I can take back my heart.  I went into the center of my heart, but it is still tied to my dad.

God:  It is so great that you saw that tonight.  You kept feeling like your heart was missing in action and it is.

Me:  It is with my human dad still.  I want to take it from him and put it inside of me.  I want my heart back.  I want my heart.  I want my heart free of his heart.  I want my heart to be in me to grow and be strong.  If I am the center of my heart, then the heart has to be inside of me and be my center.

God:  That is such an incredible awareness.  Your heart belongs to you.

Me:  I feel like my heart has been looking for a new home.  It is with the dad but I think I try implanting it elsewhere.  I think I was trying to put it into Chuck.  Everywhere but inside of me.  I want my heart and I want it in me.  Its new home is within me and not within anyone else.  I am the only one who can cherish my heart, love my heart, honor my heart, respect my heart.  Anyone else will only use it and abuse it and stomp on it.  It isn’t safe being in somebody else’s heart.  It is only safe within me.

God:  Yes Mary, you are right.  Insightful about Chuck which is why it has been hard for you.

Me:  I’ve wanted to disconnect from him because of hurt and sadness.

God:  I know, but you know it isn’t about Chuck.  It is about you and only you.

Me:  I’m tired.

God:  Hang in there.  We have more to do.    Are you ready to close your eyes?

Me:  Yes, but I might fall asleep.  Long day.

God:  Go ahead and close your eyes and look for your heart.

Me:   find a heart.  It is my father’s heart and it is diseased, old, and not steady.

God:  Go ahead and look.  Do you see your heart?

Me:  I see it attached to his heart.  Part of it is ready to die off from lack of use and life.

God:  That is correct.   It needs love and life.

Me:  It doesn’t have it here tied to the father.

God:  Do you want your heart?

Me:  I do want my heart.

God:  Are you prepared inside of you for it to become one with you.

Me:  Yes.

God:  Will you nurture your heart?

Me:  Yes.

God:  Are you going to treat it with love and compassion?

Me:  I will.  I slipped this morning calling me stupid and idiotic.  It was only for the morning.

God:  It is okay to slip, but remember every time you slip; it just takes a little longer.  Would you have called anybody else in your life stupid or idiotic for having feelings?

Me:  Of course not.  I would not want to bring that hurt or disappointment to them.

God:  Is it okay to bring it to yourself?

Me:  No God.  It isn’t.  I was having a bad morning.

God:  No excuses.  Responsibility to take care of yourself.  No one else can do this for you.  You need to be sure that you are ready to bring the heart home.

Me:  I am ready God.  Help remind me if I forget to love on myself.

God:  Okay dear one.  What do you see is attaching your heart to the father’s heart?

Me:  I see a strong rope buried deep within him and then the other end is deep within my heart.  My heart is beginning to decay so it is important to disconnect from him.  I am so tired.

God:  You can do this.  Tired is deep processing and you’ve been doing it all day.  Your heart has always been his heart and his heart your heart.  It is time for you to take your heart back.

Me:  I need to cut the rope that binds me to his heart.

God:  Then cut whatever you need to cut.  Just get it all.

Me:  It is such a thick rope that binds us together.

God:  You’ve got strong knives.  Gentle knives.

I cut the rope and cut it and cut it.  It is strong rope and hard to cut.  I keep at it.

God:  Do you want to let go of the attachment to your dad’s heart?

Me:  Yes.  Now that I know this is where my heart is.  There is no purpose for it to remain here.

God:  This is part of your process of letting go of your human dad.  How are you feeling?

Me:  You know, it is time to begin the process of letting go of him.  It is time to begin the process of letting go of me as well.  I know it is a process and won’t happen all tonight, but it is a beginning for me.  A very important beginning.  Yes I want my heart back.

As I said it, the last of the threads disconnect rather easily.  I didn’t have to really work that hard.  Wish I had known that too.  It was about choosing to release the binds and emphatically wanting my heart back.  It really is easier to release than to cut through deeply connected ropes.  Oh well.

Me:  My heart is released from him.

God:  How do you feel?

Me:  I feel sad to see the separation.  Not very sad.  A little sad  I am happy it is free from him.  It is free from him.  I found my heart.  It is my heart.  My heart.  I found my heart.

God:  Yes it is your heart.  Your’s alone.  You reside in the center of your heart and now it is free to enter into the center of your being.  Are you ready?

Me:  Yes.  I want my heart.

God:  Gently open of and gently place your heart within you and connect it to all the vessels waiting for it. Veins d all the intricate connections . this allows for the free flow of life blood in a through the heart.

I gently place the heart within me.  I tenderly attaché all the necessary connections for blood to flow through it giving it life and purpose. The connections are easy as it fits in place and naturally enters into the natural rhythms.  My heart is in me.  It is my heart in my soul and body.  I am one with my heart.  It alone is my heart.  Yes!!!

God:  Do you feel the rhythm of your heart and how it brings peace and calm to your body and your soul.  It knows what to do naturally.  It is your heart and within it flows love.  How do you feel?

Me:  I feel love for my heart.  I am the center of my heart.  I want to take care of it and nurture it.  I really do.

God:  Your heart is tender and needs love.  It will take time for it to grow and be strong.

Me:  I have time.  I am willing to do whatever it needs.

God:  There is another part that needs to go into the heart.  Chuck told you about Worthy today.

Me:  Yes Worthy is in the back of a dirty, dusty, dark attic.  He says Worthy is ready to come out and needs to be placed in the heart so as to grow and find my value and worth.

God:  Chuck is right.  It is essential for your growth.

Me:  I know.  I am just so tired tonight.  Maybe we need to wait another night.

God:  This is your worth stuck in an attic.  Do you really want to let it stay another night?

Me:  No.  I am just tired.  There is this arm coming out of the cave trying to fight me on everything and I have to disconnect it to get worthy or the arm might just grab Worthy back.

God:  Then go after the arm.

Me:  I see the arm and it is trying to catch everything in its pathway.  It is like a monster arm.

God:  what does the arm want?  Ask the arm.  Don’t get rid of it until you find out its purpose.

Me:  Arm, why don’t you want to let go?  Why are you fighting so hard.

Arm:  I’ve spent your lifetime protecting you and keeping you away from the heart.  I have collected all the programs and I am the keeper of the programs to keep you in bondage and not risk anything else in your life.  I am to keep you from having a decent life.

Me:  That is a strange job you know.  The keeper of the programs.  So, you work for the father and the mother then?

Arm:  I work for them to help you.  As long as you follow the programs you will not be hurt.  Break the program and there is pain, disappointment, fear, angst.  I am protecting you from that.

Me:  I don’t’ want to be protected from that anymore.  I really want to learn how to live a full life like I am supposed.  I want to be fully Mary and live and you are interfering with that.  How about going back in the cave and staying there and only coming out should I call you.

Arm:  You think it is that easy to get rid of me.  Think again.

Me:  I was hoping it would be that easy to eliminate you.

Arm:  Eliminate me.  That is funny.

Me:  Not funny.  Listen Arm.  Thank you for protecting me by adhering to the programs.  They have worked fabulously.  You could help me now by revealing the programs to me so I can continue healing.  The parents are dead and gone.  They don’t need you anymore.  I don’t need you anymore.  You can curl up in the cave and rest.

Arm:  I could, but I’m not.  I’m strong.

Me:  arm, I can disconnect you and remove you from the body and the cave.

Arm:  Go ahead and try.

Me:  A good challenge to end my night.  Arm, I need you to let go.  I am going to disconnect you from the brain.  You have been very valuable to me and now it is time for you to rest because I am growing and moving and can’t if you remain in bondage to the brain.

I see the plugs in the brain connecting it to the arm.  I don’t really want to disconnect the arm.  I think there is valuable information the arm can provide.  I just need to render it impotent.  So I pull out the plugs and I can plug them in if there is something to find out.  The arm is silenced and still.  Now I need to walk past the arm to the attic to find Worthy.  It is behind all this clutter.  Yuck.

God:  I will light the way for you.

I open the door to the attic.  It is old and forgotten up here.  There is a musty odor.  It is so hard to breathe.  Who could live up here.

God:  No one.  Worthy is ready to leave.  Worthy is very young.

Me:  Can Worthy talk?

God:  Worthy may not talk for a while.  She is young.  She was put in the attic as a young infant like Chuck said.  You were stripped of everything.  Worthy has been stunted in her growth.  She is despondent and needs to be connected to you and placed in your heart.

I finally see Worthy.  It is so filthy up here.  It is dark.  The windows are blackened and locked.

God:  It isn’t a very safe or nurturing environment for Worthy is it?

Me:  No.  Had I known Worthy was here before I would have rescued her.

God:  You weren’t ready before.  You are now ready.  You had to have all the pieces in place the way it happened.  Worthy needs to be rescued and put into your heart and there you will nurture her and grow her until she is strong and able to take over.  Are you ready?

Me:  Worthy, it is grown up Mary.  I am here to rescue you from this attic.  I’ve heard you calling.

Worthy looks tired.

Me:  Worthy,  are you ready to be taken from the attic and placed into my heart?

Worthy lifts her arms and I see chains binding Worthy to the wall.

Me:  I will remove the chains that keep you here.  Then you are free to come with me.

Worthy lifts her arms again.  I reach in and with very little effort Worthy is free.  I feel this excitement welling up within me.

Me:  Worthy will you come with me out of the attic and be willing to leave a newer and freer life.  Are you ready to be separate from the arm and the programs?

Worthy nods her head.  I go and pick Worthy up and carry her down the flight of stairs.  God has lit the way as promised.  We get down the stairs and start walking past the arm.  It has been rendered useless for now.  I get Worthy outside.  Worthy begins to cry as she breathes in deeply her freedom.  I see her relaxing as the pure oxygen filters through her.  I hold her close and let her cry.

Me:  It is okay to cry worthy.  Tears are diamonds rich like you.

Worthy curls up in my arms.  I hold her close.  I rock her and soothe her.

Me:  Thank you for hiding in the programs Worthy.  I know it wasn’t easy, but you kept us safe by keeping any value from us.  No risk, no pain.  Good job.  Now you are free.  I want to place you into my heart for you to grow in being naturally who you are.  Grow in esteem, strength, love.  You and my heart need to be as one.  I know it will take a while, but time we have.  Will you let me place you in my heart?

Worthy opens her eyes and they seem to smile.  I feel such tenderness for her and I feel like crying.  She has been locked away for so long.  I gently place Worthy in my heart and she eagerly enters as if she has been waiting for this moment for a very long time.  I know I have.

God:  Great job Mary.  How do you feel.

Me:  I feel at peace with it like she needs to be in the heart.  I know it won’t change overnight, but I feel the beginning.  The heart is pure and innocent broken away from the human dad’s decaying, disgusting heart that had no love.  I am in the center of my heart.  Now worthy who is also pure and innocent is within the heart.  What a union!

God:  As it should be.  Remember, don’t expect perfection.  Allow the heart and worthy to find their way growing in strength and power.  They will feel so powerful.  Your heart is now at home.  No more trying to find your heart a new home with someone.  Your heart’s new and permanent home is within you as well as Worthy.  Power.  There is so much power.   Do you feel it?

Me:  I feel a little of it, but I am so tired it is hard to receive all of it.

God:  You’ve done well tonight.  Nurture your heart and grow up Worthy.  It will take some time.  You’ve got time.  Your heart and worthy are safe.  Lynnie is safe.  I would say to you job well done.

My sense is the spirits are happy around me.  I feel them.

Me:  I need to go to be.  I’ve learned tonight that I’ve tried to disconnect the wrong people out of my life.  It was the connections to the old that needed be disconnected.  That is exciting to see.  I have to sleep now.  I really do.  Can we connect tomorrow.

God:  Rest well.  Rest well.

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