Healing from Sexual Abuse – A Transformational Journey – Part 50

Notes from today:  As I read this excerpt from 3 years ago, I am once again reminded that healing is a choice and healing is done in layers.  Each layer needs to be explored and healed so another layer can open and clearing the soul takes place.  Transformation is a process.  Many of us would like it instantaneous.  Birthing takes time.  I am grateful for the time to heal.  The process is lifelong and I no longer seek a conclusion.  I seek to see within any shadows or hurts that I need to explore to heal.  Thank you for reading.

The night was as short as the rest, but what a great wake up this morning.  I looked in the mirror and I looked different.  I felt different.  I went to work and no one knows what is going on and they said I looked different more rested.  Todd kept trying to push my buttons and it had zero effect on me and I laughed.  I felt good all day.  I laughed.  Having my heart and having worthy in my heart is so amazing.  I feel and it isn’t just sadness and darkness.  I feel good and happy.  Happy today.  Sad for some things, but happy celebrating me – my heart – worthy.  Celebrating  disengaging from human dad.  My heart was so enmeshed with his decaying heart.  Now it is within me where it needs to be and where I want it.  It is a fresh and pure heart.  Innocent and trustworthy.  Strong heart.  Worthy coming into my heart is growing stronger and the two of them in union with one another is powerful.

Spirit Dad:  I am so proud of you.  How far you have come!

Me:  Thank you.  I am excited.  Before we start process, I have something very special to share with you and all the others.  Maybe you can tell Chuck’s dad, too.  Chuck’s book is being shipped and he just sold his first book.  That is so exciting!!  I am so proud of him.  He has come a long way.

Spirit Dad:  Congratulations Chuck.  Job well done.  You took a challenge you created and turned it around.  I am proud of you.  Your father is as well.  We celebrate you today Chuck.

Me:  I will let him respond, but I know his heart will grow because of everyone’s affirmations.  Thank you.  He is so amazing.  He has come so far.

Spirit Dad:  The both of you have.  You both have had incredible journeys .  I am glad you reconnected with each other.  You’ve always been so powerful and good together.  Trust that you both have a very deep abiding love for one another and you know each other’s hearts so well.  Enjoy that for all that it is.

Me:  I know.  We still are good together.  I trust his love more and more every day for me.  I found my heart and I am not willing to give it away so I am holding on to it and finding out all that it means to have a heart with worthy and to love myself.   I can’t wait until this process is done to truly my future.  I am speaking about a future.  Can you believe that!!!!  I don’t want to rush through it.  I want it to all be in the right timing fully and completely.

Spirit Dad:  It is moving in that direction.  You’ve done so much work and have come so far.  There is a bit more to go.  Trust yourself on the journey.  You will know when it is time.

Me:  I do trust myself.  All of a sudden I am very tired and exhausted.

Spirit Dad:  Ready to process.  You are feeling it.

Me:  Yes.  I believe that the most important thing I can do tonight is to remove Arm from any life source.  I disconnected Arm last night but left him there in case I want to know more from Arm.  Chuck had a good point and that is if there is more to know he, God or any of you spirits will let me know.  I don’t have to rely on Arm for anything and Arm is unhealthy for me.

Spirit Dad:  Chuck is right.  You no longer need Arm.  That part of your life is finished.  If you need to know something you will know it either through your own intuition or any of us supporting you.

Me:  I know.  You know though as I enter process, I feel a reluctance to let go of Arm.

Spirit Dad:  What is the reluctance?  Familiarity?

Me:  Maybe.  It has helped me so much even though it doesn’t look like it to the outside world.  Arm kept me in programs so I wouldn’t break free and hurt.  I know that is weird to some to view that as protection, but it was.  I just outgrew it and don’t need it anymore.

Spirit Dad:  That is right.  It has been one of your companions on your journey.

Me:  If the external world became scary and threatening, Arm would pull me back in the cave and keep me safe from the external world.  It was my only protection in a way.

Spirit Dad:  It no longer works for you because you have been ready to be out of the cave for quite a while now.

Me:  I know.  I just didn’t know how to do it and then I found my heart and Worthy and I am okay being out of the cave now.  I may want to go back in time to time but I want it to be my choice not anybody else’s choice.

Spirit Dad:  As it should be.

Me:  Arm was an extension of you and mother in human form.  It held the programs and the controls.  It pretty much was attached to you and to me and it worked so well.  It pulled me back if I were going to talk.  It led me to believe that people were out to hurt me.   It ensured I trusted nobody but it and the programs.  Amazing that my trust is in those who abuse me and not in the people who love me and don’t want to hurt me.  I tend to disconnect from or think I need to disconnect from those who are good for me such as Chuck.  How often I’ve tried to push him away and disconnect from him.  He has got the absolute patience of Job!!!  I am glad he didn’t allow it to happen.  What needed to happen was for me to disconnect from human mother and father, abuse, programs, negativity, fear.  Yet, I kept embracing all of you as if you were my best friends.  Amazing.

Spirit Dad:  They’ve been with you from in the womb until recently even though you’ve done so much therapy/work to disconnect.  That was the groundwork to enable you to move through this process.  The abuse is behind you.

Me:  Arm was such a big part of that.  It was like you in human form was the Arm.  Letting go of the arm is like letting go of human dad some more.  More separation from you last night but still separation.  That is a little sad for me I guess.  I know I have you in Spirit which really is much better than the Arm.  It just is letting go.

Spirit Dad:  It isn’t the same anymore.  We both changed.  Me in my death and you in your growth while alive which is something that wasn’t to happen for me.  We are different.  You kept me alive, us alive, by staying connected to all of it.  It was created in the womb and now you are creating a different life for yourself.  YOU are doing it.   Letting go is a process.

Me:  I know it is time to say goodbye.  Like the lyrics in Circle Dance, I’ve been too faithful and time to let you go.  I have been faithful to you as bizarre as that might seem.  It is time to be faithful to me, my present life and my future.  I can’t change the past.   I can only understand it and move past it to my present and my future.  The past is so important to me as it has been my teacher.  It has been an important part of my journey to create the experience I asked for during this lifetime.  I need to let go of go of the Arm as a process to letting go of the human dad and all the human experiences I received.

Spirit Dad:  We are all here with you.

Me:  It is all behind me.  The first part of my journey is done.  This is the final part of my journey.

I walk to the cave and it is dark.  I know Arm is disconnected from its power source but it still seems overwhelming.  Am I really ready to let go and never hear what it has to tell me?  God, are you with me?

God:  I am here.  Would you like to shine light into the cave?

Me:  Yes.  It seems less foreboding when there is light.  Bringing darkness into the light is much less foreboding.

God’s light is shining in the cave.  I see the lifeless form of Arm.  Without its power source it really is only an amputated arm.  Almost amputated.  I still see a tendril attached to the cave.  It is huge.  Even having the power source disconnected it still is sticking on the wall with its tentacles.  Yes, I need to release the tentacle and take it out of the cage.

Me:  Arm.  I know you can hear me but you can’t speak to me.  I prefer it that way.  It is important I don’t hear you speak anymore.  Thank you for your protection of me through programs.  It stopped being protective a long time ago.  It just became an extension of the abuse.  You kept me a prisoner for so long.  I am free now.  I disconnected you from your power source.  I will release the tentacle tonight and it is finished.  No more imprisonment from you.  Only freedom.  The mother and the father are dead now.  There is no more need for your existence.  No more need for me.  It is finished and you are finished.    I am releasing you tonight to no more be part of my life.  You are part of the mother and the father in human form and you no longer have power.

I feel so tired.  So very tired.

God:  Process.  You are in process.  Keep going.

Me:  Arm, your programs hurt me keep me apart from people who love me.  You led me to believe that those who truly were good for me and or they needed to be disconnected. You led me to believe that those who were bad for me were good for me.  Wrong seemed right and right seemed wrong.  You are not me and I am not you.  You are not part of me so therefore I can remove you and let you be.

God:  Are you ready to release the tentacle.

Me:  Oh yes.  I have my handy dandy magical knife and I slice through the tentacle completely disengaging it from the suction part of the tentacle and the wall.  Arm is now completed disconnected and I want it out of the cave.  I want it out of me.  There is no more room in me for Arm.  I am free.  I am free.  I am free.

I thought I might need help taking Arm out but I reach out and pick up Arm and it shrinks.  Without the power source, it is not powerful.  It is nothing.  I carry it out of my cave and take it to a clearing in the woods and lay it down.  There is no life in the Arm.  There is, however, life in me.  Power in me.  I leave it there not paying it any more attention.  I turn by back and walk to the cave which is empty now.  It is ready for me to take residence but it needs some work.  I look on the walls and notice the programs written.  I am not interested in reading the programs.  They are not healthy for me and serve no purpose.  I take a pressure washer and start cleaning the walls of the cave and it easily erases the programs from the walls so I don’t have to look at them all the time.  I wonder if I am supposed to take up residence in the cave?

God:  That is a good question.  If you take up residence in the cave, are you not just living a program that keeps you hidden?

Me:  I am not sure.  I don’t need to be in the cave anymore but I like the security of the cave should I need to be there.  If I paint it and clean it up, it will be a healthier cave.

God:  There is always time to retreat.  The cave, for you, goes beyond retreat and to keeping you hidden.  The cave itself is part of your program.

Me:   Wow.  I didn’t know that.  The cave is comfortable for me and much better with Arm gone.  The cave protects me and provides me shelter when it gets rough on the outside.  Wow.  Indeed the cave is part of the program – part of the past.  What will I do without the cave?

I am beginning to feel a little panicky like I am going to lose my protection and shelter.

God:  You don’t need the cave.  Retreating is always good when it is your choice and leads to a healthier you.  The cave represents repression, suppression, secrets, programs.

Me:  I feel it all as I sit in the cave.  Even pressure washing the walls doesn’t take away from the power and illusion of the cave.  The cave is part of the abuse.  Crap.

God:  It is okay Mary.  It served you well and provided you shelter during many storms.  Do you still think you need that shelter?  That cave?

Me:  I don’t.  It has been a house of horror for me.  There is no good thing that happened in the cave except to keep us from the outside even when I chose to be there and later when Arm forced us there.  The cave needs to go.

God:  How would you like to remove it.

Me:  I want to blow it up into shattered pieces that can never be put back together again.   I am done with the cave.  My heart and Worthy don’t need to be there.  It is a nightmare for Worthy to return there.  My heart and Worthy deserve much better than this cave.

God:  Is there a part of you that is still in this cave that you need to find before you blow it up?

Me:  Loyalty is here.  Loyalty is faithful to the Arm, to the cave to the human form of father and mother.

God:  Go find Loyalty.

I look into the different rooms of the cave.  There is loyalty trying to fix the machine to bring Arm back.

Me:  Loyalty, it Is me Mary.  You are completely alone in this room.

Loyalty:  Go away.  I am busy.

Me:  The Arm is gone – completely removed from the cave.  No matter what you do, Loyalty, Arm is not coming back.  There is no way.

Loyalty:  My job to keep the Arm alive.

Me:  The power of the Arm diminished as I grew stronger.  There is nothing you can do to help the Arm.  Do you really want to help the Arm?  The Arm was harmful for us?

Loyalty:  It just is my job.  I had to do it.  I was forced to take care of the Arm.

Me:  Who forced you?

Loyalty:   The parents.

Me:  They are dead now.  They can’t force you to do anything.  The abuse is over.  The Arm has been dismantled and I am getting ready to blow up the cave.  Loyalty, do you want to maintain faithfulness to the parents, to the abuse, to the pain, to the Arm or do you want to be free.  The choice is yours.

Loyalty:  I am not free.  Look at me.

When I looked I saw Loyalty’s feet chained to the floor and Loyalty could not move.

Me:  They forced you to stay.  They are all dead and you can be free.  If I free you, are you going to remain loyal to them.

Loyalty:  I didn’t choose them.  The made me.  Arm made me.  I’ve been here forever.  I had to protect the parents and the Arm.

Me:  Do you still want to protect them?  I have to know the answer Loyalty.

Loyalty:  I didn’t choose them.  I didn’t know there was anything different.

My sense is they kept loyalty locked in the room so Loyalty would know nothing different in life.  My dilemma within myself is to take her to the meadow or to put her in my heart with Worthy and create a heart of faithfulness to me.  I just am not sure what to do.

God:  Loyalty has some damage.

Me:  So did Worthy.  Worthy was locked in the attic for a lifetime and she is in my heart.

God:  Loyalty has been programmed to be faithful to your mother and father and the programs.  Are you sure you would want to put loyalty in your heart with Worthy?

Me:  I think it would be useful to my heart to have loyalty and faithfulness.

God:  I want you to look closely at Loyalty and is it as loyalty represents itself.  Look very closely.  What do you see?

I walk closer to loyalty.  I don’t have this feeling of safety or love for loyalty.  That is interesting to me.  As I come closer I see that Loyalty is plugged into the power source of the cave from the back.  I wasn’t able to see it initially.

Me:  Loyalty you are just an extension of the arm.  You almost had me believing  that you were part of me and should either go to the meadow or in my heart.  Both would be mistakes.

Loyalty:  I can be loyal to you.  Let me stay and I will show you.

Me:  No you can never be loyal to me.  You will destroy my heart and Worthy.  I don’t want you to stay.  I am going to disconnect you from the power source and take you and place you next to the Arm.  Then I will get rid of the cave.  There is nothing of value or goodness for me here.

I pull the plug on Loyalty breathing a sigh of relief that I didn’t rescue this illusion.  I shudder to think I almost put this loyalty in my heart.  I pick up loyalty and notice I is just an appendage of the arm.  I carry Loyalty out to the Arm and place it next to the Arm.

Me:  God.  I am ready to blow up this cave.  Do I need to be concerned about parts that really need to be rescued?

God:  What does your intuition say?  How does your heart feel?

Me:  My intuition says there is nothing more in there for me.  I rescued the best – Worthy last night and there is nothing more of value.  My heart and Worthy want it gone.

God:  Then by all means, blow it up and enjoy the experience.

I do into the cave, planting tons of dynamite in each room, each nook and cranny, each floorboard.  I then go outside.  I will detonate the dynamite without hiding and it will not harm me.  At that I pushed the button and the cave has exploded into millions and millions of tiny pieces.  The cave is gone.  There is nothing left of it.  No more harm to be done by it.  No more housing abuse or evil.

God:  Look Mary.  Look at what the dynamite opened?

I looked up and saw a crevice and there was water pouring out of the crevice.  The crevice gets wider and it is like a waterfall of water pouring down over the million pieces of rocks of the cave.  It is absolutely beautiful and the sound of the falls pounding on the pieces is peaceful.  It is finished.

God:  How do you feel?

Me:  I feel so tired.  I feel this sense of relief that it is gone.  The house of horrors is gone and I am free and I live.  I also wonder where I will go if I need to retreat – not hide – just to retreat.

God:  Look at where the cave is.  What do you see?

Me:  I see this beautiful waterfall flowing down over the rocks purifying the rocks washing away any remnants.  There are beautiful wildflowers beginning to grow all around it and a beautiful patch of grass.  There is radiant sunlight and peace.  Is it safe to retreat here?

God:  It is safe because the house of horrors has been transformed and purified by water.  This is not a place of darkness and never will be.  The sun shines all of the time.  It is a place for you to retreat and to reflect and to grow.  It does not hide you nor can you hide here.  It only helps move you towards life.  So yes, it is safe to retreat here.

Me:  it is beautiful.  Thank you.

God:  You’ve done the work.  That is courageous of you to disconnect Arm and Loyalty and blow up that place.  Wow!

Me:  I had all of you with me.  No more Arm.  No more cave.  No more abuse.  I am free and the heart and Worthy can grow freely without fear.

God:  That is right.  The heart is innocent and pure and safe from harm.  Nurture and love your heart and Worthy.  Great job Mary.  I am proud of you.

Me:  Thank you God.  Thank you for this journey and the process and healing and life.  Thank you.  Now I am so very tired.  I have to sleep.

God:  Go and rest.  We have the weekend.

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This entry was posted in EMDR, Physical Abuse, Prison, PTSD, Sexual Abuse, Transformation and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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