I woke up feeling fairly good today. Something inside is brewing. Not sure what it is. But Worthy and Heart are melding together just fine and holding up. Had a little insecurity this morning and it passed. I am okay. I am not sure where to go about now.
Spirit Dad: That was amazing last night that you saw loyalty for what it was and trusted yourself to not input it in your heart or meadow.
Me: I never wavered before and that was different. I always knew what to do and I didn’t with loyalty.
Spirit Dad: You can trust yourself and your intuitions. They are good.
Me: You know I’m letting go of the human father. Little by little. You have been dead for many, many, many years and I don’t believe I ever let go of you because I was so enmeshed and tied into you. It isn’t a horribly sorrowful experience since I found my heart and Worthy. I took myself back. I’m not sure there are any more places connected with you. Oh, I just heard in my head that I need to take my sexuality back from you. Wow. I don’t even want to discuss this with you.
Spirit Dad: It is true. You do need to take your sexuality back and claim it as your own. You’ve never had it as your own and never experienced your healthy sexuality. It is more than sex. It is being comfortable with your sensuality, your body, your sense of being female, of being vulnerable. It is an important part for you to rescue.
Me: I guess. I’m not sure I can do there with you or even how to do this. I am even uncomfortable talking about my sexuality let alone finding it and rescuing it.
Spirit Dad: That makes perfect sense. That was damaged in yourself. You were abused by it by me and other powerful men, by people you chose to connect with later in your life, your husband. You used sex as a way to connect and disconnect. You used it as a way to not have to feel emotions and even as a way to avoid intimacy. You used it to hurt yourself.
Me: You are right. It isn’t something that interests me much for all the reasons above. I am not sure how it would be to have a relationship with a loving and caring partner where sex is an expression of intimacy and not the reason for intimacy. Really, in the past, if I have a sexual relationship with someone than it is time for them to go. They can’t stay in my life. I would like to move past that even though at this stage of my life even if there may not be a relationship that involves sex. I still want to heal that part of me and heal my sexuality to be a whole and complete person – woman. I would like to feel sexy and comfortable with that. I would like to feel vulnerable enough to enjoy an adult, healthy relationship. I don’t want to use sex to avoid emotions or intimacy or to connect or disconnect. I want my sexuality back like I wanted my heart. Wow. That is a strong want. I want to take it back from you.
Spirit Dad: Good. What needs to happen.
Me: I don’t know. I want God here.
God: I am here Mary. It is very courageous of you to want to go after your sexuality. So many people don’t see the value of their sexuality and that it is an integral part of who they are created to be. It is a sacred part of everyone’s life. In you it was violated and stolen. It is a core part of who people are although they don’t always recognize that in themselves. Sexuality – involving sensuality, sex, gender – defines so much of who humans are in conjunction with the heart, the soul, the mind. When it is damaged and missing, it detracts from the whole just like if the heart or soul were missing.
Me: I never thought about it much. I feel embarrassed to talk about it. I am clearly not comfortable with all of this and want to change the subject.
God: Typical of humans to want to avoid it. You have always avoided it. It has always represented pain, hurt, rejection, abuse, abandonment, distraction. You feel a lot of shame around it.
Me: Part of me really feels dirty when it comes to sex or sexuality. Wrong somehow.
God: Your body betrayed you, didn’t it?
Me: I don’t know what you mean.
God: Yes you do. This is hard for you, but important. Even though it was abusive and painful, the body responded against your will. Part of it felt good to the body. That is normal. For you it was in a couple of ways. The physical stimulation created sexual feelings in your body and it was also a way to have physical contact with another human being which did not happen other than sexual contact.
Me: Please don’t talk about this. Please.
God: It is okay Mary. There is nothing to be ashamed about. If you can face this, you can understand it and it is a step to healing your sexuality. The body has certain physical mechanisms that feel good when they are touched.
Me: I didn’t like him touching me that way. I didn’t.
God: I know you didn’t. Your body betrayed you.
Me: I don’t want to talk about this.
God: It is important for your healing. It is important to take your sexuality back. In order to do that you need to look honestly at all parts of it.
Me: I didn’t surrender my body.
God: No you didn’t. You held on to that part of yourself.
Me: I always do. No man can take that from me.
God: Yes, I know. Do you want to be able to surrender?
Me: Maybe. It is a little late in my life for that. I guess I would like that choice, though.
God: Then you have to be willing to look at this part of your life and take it back like you did the heart. It is no less valuable and important than the Heart or Worthy. It is an integral and central part of who you are.
Me: Okay then.
God: Sexuality involves more than sex. It is also about how you feel about yourself as a woman – how you feel about your body.
Me: I am a woman. I know I hated that for many years believing if I weren’t female this wouldn’t happen.
God: You blamed your sexuality for the abuse like you blamed money, control, and power. You didn’t see your father as the perpetrator.
Me: I guess that is true.
God: Where are you in accepting your femaleness?
Me: I am better about it. I dress better now – not great all the time. I am not always trying to hide my breasts under big shirts and stuff. I do hide it in a lot of fat.
God: You have shame about your body?
Me: I guess I do. Not as much as I used to.
God: Your body did nothing wrong. It was violated. You’ve punished your body for something it wasn’t responsible for.
Me: I was tired of being hurt and I thought the body and I were responsible for it so it was important that the body become distorted.
God: Your body did nothing wrong. It was the people who abused you that were wrong. Your body was innocent like your heart. They took it and hurt it and violated it. You were victimized. There is no need to feel shame or to distort it. You are beautiful and that beauty needs to shine.
Me: I know my body was violated. I don’t feel beautiful. The body doesn’t define me. My soul does.
God: I know this is going to be a new concept for you but the body and the soul are one with the Heart and Worthy. It is all of who you are and therefore all of it defines you. If one part of you is out of balance, so is all of you. Look at when heart was missing and Worthy was missing. There was no balance. Do you notice how different you are with them as part of you?
Me: I do notice that. It has been huge.
God: So it will be when you find your sexuality and bring it home. It will change you.
Me: I was doing good releasing weight until this whole process got started and the vulnerability and memories have been so present, I find I don’t take as good of care of my body. I either over eat or starve it. It has been hard to find that balance.
God: If your sexuality is healed and intact, you will find it easier to care for your body in healthy ways. Sex will become for you an expression of love and caring rather than a way to connect or disconnect. You will find within you in balance with the heart and worthy the desire to surrender. Let’s talk about what you learned about your body – your sexuality from your mother and father.
Me: I was taught that my body belonged to everybody but not to me. I was taught it had no rights. I learned I could use my body in such a way to engage or disengage. I learned my value was in my body and my sexuality. My mother taught me to feel ashamed. She was always putting the body down calling it fat and ugly even when it wasn’t that fat. She would look at me with disgusting eyes. She never talked sex or anything female. When I got my first period, she took me for a ride in the car and told me I could never play games with the boys again. She taught me that being female meant submitting to a man and being different than I felt. It was in how I walked, talked, carried my books. I wasn’t ever to win at a game that involved boys. I was to let them win so they would feel good about themselves even if I were better.
God: There are a lot of messages there for you. A lot of programming. You still let the “boys” win and look good don’t you?
Me: Yes and I hate it. That is part of why this whole value thing at work drives me crazy. I am as good if not better than them and I do not get the same recognition. I have to hold back and let people think they are the “man” and should be idolized for that and I resent it just like I did growing up.
God: Yes. To you, you learned that being female meant being less than.
Me: Yup. Still does in a way, but less of a way.
God: Your mother was obsessed with your body.
Me: She was. Even the father said so a few years before he died. It is weird don’t you think? What difference did it make to her? I was too fat or too skinny. She chose exactly what I would wear and how to wear it no matter how ugly I looked. She did my hair and it looked horrible. The mixed messages “Why are you eating those cookies – you are such a fatty” or if I didn’t eat the damn cookies it was “why aren’t you eating my cookies – what is wrong with them?” There was no pleasing them.
God: What else Mary.
Me: Nothing else.
God: What else? Important to talk about it.
God: There is no shame in it.
Me: It was like she prepared me for the father. Cleaning me up for him. Cleaning my private areas.
God: How did that feel?
Me: I hated her touching me there. I felt ashamed and dirty.
God: Did you ever tell her.
Me: I tried to pull away from her, but she would get angry and you know what that would mean.
God: Your mother and father controlled your body, your sexuality.
Me: Guess they did. It certainly wasn’t mine. That is fairly evident.
God: Do you want your sexuality back?
Me: I don’t want the damage back. If it is damaged I just as soon it went to the meadow to heal before coming back to me.
God: Your sexuality is like the heart and Worthy. It has been hurt, but it remains pure and just has to grow up with the rest of you. It was taken over by others. Do you want it back?
Me: Yes I do. I am really tired.
God: You always gets really tired when processing deeply. It is a way for you to avoid dealing with this. It is important now to take care of this.
God: Close your eyes. I want you to look for your sexuality. Let me know when you find it and what is going on.
Me: I found it. What I found was it being wrapped up like a mummy. This part is completely wrapped up in gauze like a mummy. There is nothing about this part that is showing.
God: where is the part?
Me: It is in a dark, musty basement stuck behind old boxes. There are moth balls and rats. It is really disgusting.
God: Do you want your sexuality to remain there or would you like to rescue her.
Me: I am curious as to why I would find her here. I thought I might find her connected to her father.
Me: Because he took the sexuality away from me.
God: Perhaps his taking it away it went away and hid so as not to be blemished.
Me: This is a little weird for me. How could it be removed and put away somewhere else.
God: Just like Worthy was left in an attic.
Me: Okay then.
God: What do you want to do?
Me: I want to take her out of the basement and bring her outside into the sunlight. It means walking through rats and that is yucky. The rats aren’t hurting her, but they are accustomed to having here there protecting her.
God: Protecting her or controlling her? Sometimes you get those two concepts mixed up.
Me: I guess control. She belongs to them and they don’t want her gone. How am I going to walk in there and take care. Rats. Yuck.
God: I will go with you and light the way. You have your heart and your worthy and you are courageous. The rats don’t stand a chance against you.
Me: Okay then.
God lights the way going before me. I walk behind God showing more bravado than I feel. It smells horrible down here.
God: Stay present Mary. I feel you disconnecting.
Me: It smells horrible here and the feces and must. I want to throw up.
God: Keep moving forward. It tells you how important it is to find this part of yourself.
Me: Okay. I am within reach of her. She is wrapped up in all this gauze like a mummy cocoon.
God: Do you want to lift her up and take her outside?
Me: I do want to do that. I am feeling protective of her.
I pick her up and cradle her in my arms. I take her up the stairs. The rats are protesting. I can hear them. I won’t feel fearful. I won’t. I get her outside and hold her. I wonder if she is alive? I feel a little movement.
God: Are you ready to unravel her.
Me: I am a little nervous about it .
God: No surprise. You do it in your own time.
I know I am going to unravel her. I just want to hold her gently and quietly in my arms. The heart is sending her love and Worthy is sending her value. Wow. They are one. I proceed to gently unravel her from the cocoon of gauze. As I unravel her I see a beauty. I see a strength. I see a female part. She is adorable. Adorable? Strange to say about sexuality.
God: She is adorable. Remember she was taken as a very small child. Adorable would describe your sexuality.
Me: It is energy and light. I sense relief from her. She doesn’t speak. Her eyes say everything.
Me: Little one you are safe. I found you. After a lifetime away I found you. I want you. I want you to be part of me. Part of the heart and worthy. I love you and value you. You don’t belong to the father or to the mother or to anybody else who used you. You belong to me. Only me. You are an important part of me. I want you to stay with me. Will you do that?
She doesn’t speak but I feel a question from her. She is concerned whether I will protect her or not?
Me: I will protect you and honor you and allow you to live within me in whatever form that takes. You are safe with me. All the abuse is over with. The mother and the father are dead. The other bad men are gone. I am all grown up and can take good care of you. I love you and you are a valuable part of me. I want you to stay with me. Will you?
He part slowly nods her head. She is so young. I pick her up and hold her close to me, close to the heart where love pours out into and surrounds her and cushions her.
God: Are you ready to accept and honor your sexuality?
Me: I am.
God: Will you value your sexuality and all part of her?
Me: I do value here fully and completely. I welcome all of her.
God: Will you take care of her, of the body nurturing it as you would the heart and the soul?
Me: I will.
God: You will feed it healthfully and allow whatever it needs for expression?
Me: I will.
God: You will keep her safe not using her to connect or disconnect from any man?
Me: I promise. That is the past and now today is a new beginning. I want my sexuality part within me and I will take good care of her.
God: When you are ready, open up and allow her to ease within you. Feel her becoming one with you. The joining together of the heart, the soul, Worthy, sexuality all becoming one within you creating joy, peace, acceptance, love.
Me: I take her in. Her energy spreads throughout all of my body no part missing. The body is alive and one with itself. I feel every cell coming alive – fully alive. I sense a different energy. A wholeness. Unique. I feel beautiful and confident. I am who I am – one within and throughout.
God: It feels good to be reunited with your sexuality. Never again will you have to give away yourself to another. Relationships will take on different meanings. You will have all that you want.
Me: Thank you God.
God: You are magnificent. You did a great job taking sexuality back. I know it was a little embarrassing for you, but you overcame it with the strength and courage that you are known by. Great job.
Me: I feel whole. Do you feel me being whole?
God: I do.
Me: I feel my body alive and lots of sensations.
God: Good. It is good to have a body fully alive. It is important for you to care and nurture your body, your sexuality, your heart, your soul, Worthy. Important to keep them all centered and in balance.
Me: I will. I am tired now and ready to sleep.
God: Rest well. You’ve done good. We are all proud of you.