Healing from Sexual Abuse – A Transformational Journey – Part 52

This getting myself put back together is kind of neat.  Woke up this morning feeling okay.  Worthy is growing.  Heart is getting stronger and sexuality is creating an aliveness and no not about sex.  About the body and all that.   A little sadness inside.  Off and on anxiety today.  Wonder what that is all about.  I feel relatively good so not sure what is up with that.  Been thinking a lot today about releasing expectations and outcomes related to me, to other people, and to events such as jobs.  I want to be able to do that but something inside keeps me locked in.  It is about security, knowing, planning, no surprises, always in control so always in a state of preparation.  Provides me security from an external perspective thus creating calm within.  Outside structure provides internal calmness.  That is what it is.  So perhaps the answer is in creating calm and security and peace within thus eliminating the need for the external.  Hmm.  That is a head understanding of it all.  Heart needs to get it.  Maybe that is the anxiety today.  I’ve been experimenting releasing expectations and outcome.

It sort of just hit me if I let go of outcomes I might miss something that is supposed to come my way.  If I have all of these outcomes and expectations, maybe I will hit one like the lottery.  What if I just let everything be and just move through life trusting that all is well and all good comes my way?  Not me.  So the underlying issue then is trust.  Trust that all that comes my way is for my own good.  I guess I don’t trust that.  I see in my mind how I think things should be or should happen.  They make perfect sense to me and are very logical.  What about goals?  How are goals different from expectations or outcomes?

Spirit Dad:  You have a lot of things floating in your head.  How about see what is floating in your heart.

Me:  I guess this seems like a head issue to me.  Planning and preparation.  Your lessons to me.  Always be prepared.  Always watch for what is around the corner.  Anticipate all possibilities .

Spirit Dad:  You’ve done that all your life.  Isn’t it a lot of work for you?

Me:  Yes it is a lot of work, but very much a part of who I am.

Spirit Dad:  Is it or is it something I put on you?

Me:  I don’t know that answer.

Spirit Dad:  Go inside of your heart and find the answer.  Find out who you are.

Me:  You know.  What is wrong with expectations?  Isn’t manifesting the same as expectations?

Spirit Dad:  Sometimes it is.  It really is how you use the word expectations.

Me:  Semantics?

Spirit Dad:  If you have an expectation of making a lot of money that is an expectation that is positive and manifesting.  If you have an expectation of yourself being perfect, then that expectation is limiting.  You have to watch out how you use expectations.  An expectation not tied to an outcome is okay.

Me:  When manifesting the expectation is tied to an outcome.  Otherwise why manifest.

Spirit Dad:  Look within your heart for the answers.  You have your heart now.  What does it tell you?

Me:  This is annoying me!

Spirit Dad:  Is it fearful to you?

Me:  I think so.

Spirit Dad:  What is fearful?

Me:  The unknown I think.  I guess when I am trying to use my head for a process then there probably is fear involved.

Spirit Dad:  Yes that is true.  What scares you?

Me:  The unknown.  Missing something I’m supposed to see.  Not getting something I am supposed to get.

Spirit Dad:  You have nothing more to fear from the unknown.  The fear arose from the abuse and never knowing what was going to come around the corner.   You don’t have to live with that fear anymore.  That part of your life is gone.  You can live in peace.

Me:  I don’t trust peace.  I don’t trust calm.  I don’t trust the outcome.

Spirit Dad:  Whatever outcome is supposed to happen will happen.  If you are locked in an outcome what if you don’t get your best.  If you are looking at your living arrangements and you think where you are living is the only place for you to live and you stay and are not open, you might miss a better place for you to live that suits you more than this place and is newer and cleaner and brighter.  If you lock on to one person to love you and are not open, you might miss the perfect partner for you who can love you and honor you in all the ways that are perfect for you.

Me:  So why have goals then?  Let’s look at when people go to school.  They focus on a major in school as a goal and spend all their money, years and energy achieving that major.  What if it isn’t the major they were supposed to have?  Using your logic, then nobody should declare a major in college.  They should be open.  It does not make logical sense to me.  You always told me to have a goal, to have a plan and then stick with it.  One of your issues with me is that I would change my mind about my goals and plans and you felt I lacked commitment.

Spirit Dad:  In human form that is true.  You were changing your mind to keep you from achieving your goals.  It was all subconscious.  You believed you weren’t supposed to have anything good for yourself.  Perhaps holding onto outcomes allows you to feel good about yourself and if it changes you feel bad about yourself.  Maybe this is a change for you.

Me:  Security is important to me even if I give the illusion of no commitment.  I’ve moved a lot because staying in one place was too hard and I needed change to avoid dealing with myself.  My job history is about security.

Spirit Dad:  Security comes from within.  Security is knowing that all that comes your way is for your own good.  All the external can be stripped away and you maintain that stability and centeredness inside.  It is a heart issue and not a head issue.

Me:  I don’t understand.  I just don’t get it.

Spirit Dad:  Because you don’t want to get it because you are afraid of letting go of the external holds you have.  Letting go opens so many doors for you.  Letting go allows you to rest and experience every moment of every day.  When you hold on so tight you might miss what the moment has for you.

Me:  Letting go means trusting.

Spirit Dad:  Yes.

Me:  I want to let go and trust.  Just not there.  I am some, but that final hold on me is still there.  It is similar to the heart missing.

Spirit Dad:  How do you find your ability to trust?

Me:  I don’t know.  I know that we are born into this life fully trusting yet there was nothing about my life that nurtured trust.  What got nurtured was being prepared, being in control, watching carefully.

Spirit Dad:  Then you need to find that trust and reconnect with it.

Me:  How?

Spirit Dad:  Mary, you’ve done this for well over two months and you are asking how?  That is a cop out.

Me:  I know.  The tiredness is sweeping over me so I must be ready to seek trust.  I just don’t know how.  God?

God:  I am here with you.  Seeking trust is a very important reconnection for you.

Me:  It doesn’t seem like a part or an energy or a physical connection.

God:  Because you are viewing it from your head.  You feel afraid and have moved into your head to control the fear.

Me:  I feel very afraid and why?  Trust?  Doesn’t make logical sense.

God:  Mary, close your eyes and feel your heart.  Let your heart speak and not your mind.  Let whatever comes come.

Me:  I am experiencing a native American male spirit.  His hair is braided on each side like pony tails.  He has beads.  His face is dark in color and he is older.  One feather is behind his head.  Why am I getting this?

God:  Don’t analyze.  Just go with it.  What are you feeling?

Me:  I feel he has an important message for me.  I don’t know him though.  I feel his strength and his wisdom.  He Is sending me peace.  I feel his peace.   I am breathing him in throughout me.  I am in awe of him.  Powerful.  Breathing power into me.  Power of the wolf.  Awareness-Agility of the black panther, wisdom of the owl.  Study their lessons.  All of which is in me and all that I know shall be brought forth in the right moment not before or after.  Trust in what you know inside.  Trust your intuition.  Trust your wisdom.  Trust your senses.  Live beyond your mind.  You are all of consciousness.  You are the manifestation of the universe.  You are creator and createee.  All is one and one is all.  Breathe in all of the universe.  Be the expression of the spirits words.  Open to receive all teachings, all wisdom.  Seek to live beyond what you see.  Know the creator is in you and trust the creation within.  The moon and the sun teach as all of nature.  Study the relationship between the sun and the moon.  You’ve come full circle.  Listen to the teachings of the elders, of those gone before you.  Strength and courage, acceptance with joy, teach that all is.  I am pleased with you.  Walk tall.  Live fearlessly and with intention.  Speak truth.  Hide from no one = most importantly do not hide from yourself.  Your days are numbered walk with intent.  They will seek you.  Walk tall.  Trust in what is.  Seek truth.  Be truth.  Live truth.  Live in the heart.  Heart is truth.  Heart is the real knowledge.  Allow the energy to flow through you out to the universe.

Me:  Wow.  What was that?

God:  Spirit guide teaching.

Me:  Why a spirit guide and not you?

God:  Messages come from many sources.  All are creation.  All is God.  What did you receive?

Me:  I received it all but why?

God:  Mary, a gift.  Answers to trust and outcomes.  Accept the teaching.  Let go of the analyzing.

Me:  Okay.  So I need to understand the message.

God:  Yes.  The truth you seek is in the messages.  You are gifted.  Who you were at birth was taken from you.  Your birthright gone.

Me:  Okay.  I am really in unfamiliar territory here.

God:  You will understand as you learn from the message you received tonight.  It is important for you to reclaim your full birthright.  You already have received some of it.

Me:  What is the birthright?

God:  It is the you at birth.  Perceptive, intuitive, trusting, connected to spirits, wise, truth, purity.

Me:  Okay.  Is this like finding the other parts.

God:  It is a bit different.  We are going to spirit.

Me:  Okay.  I am a bit confused.  A bit nervous and want to stop.

God:  Nothing to fear.  Reconnecting you with your birthright – birth spirit.

Me:  Did I lose it over the years or what?

God:  No.

Me:  God.  This feels strange and different to me.

God:  You will be reconnecting with trust, truth, spiritual knowledge, spiritual abilities, wisdom, intuition, knowing, that were disconnected shortly after incarnation.

Me:  Okay,  I feel awkward.

God:  Because you are experiencing it from your head because you fear the unknown.  Go to your heart and experience this from your heart.  What do you find?

Me:  Peace.  A knowing.  Rightness.

God:  The heart is where true knowledge resides.  Your Indian spirit guide tonight gave you information about wolf, black panther, owl, sun and moon for you to learn and understand about who you are and your gifts.  You already know this through your heart.  Through this writing you are becoming more and more familiar with your abilities.  Abilities that not everyone has with communicating with the spirit realm and moving in and out.  Why is Chuck energetically, physically present when you are open to that?

Me:  I’m scared.

God:  Nothing to fear.  When you fear you won’t learn and won’t listen.  You were close to this knowledge periodically throughout your life.  Remember speaking with spirits at the cemeteries?

Me:  I thought I was just crazy.

God:  No.  You sensed them and their lives.

Me:  For what purpose.

God:  You are present with them and sometimes that is enough.  You are learning to be more receptive to the messages and to the presences.  You’ve helped people over the years hear a message from their loved one who has passed – a sensitivity that helped them move on through their grief process.  You have an understanding now about lessons and journeys are predetermined.

Me:  I guess that part of me still doesn’t trust this process like it is all in my head.

God:  Do you think that all of this could be in “your head”.  Do you think other people do this?

Me:  I don’t know.

God:  Let the heart speak.  The heart knows.  Listen to the heart.  Trust the heart.

Me:  Okay.  Why are we doing this now?

God:  Trust.  Trusting yourself.  Trusting all creation.  Trusting the universe.  Letting go and letting be.  Releasing control and living fearlessly.  Loving all of you even that which you have yet to accept and understand.

Me:  Okay.

God:  Close your eyes Mary and breathe and relax.  Follow the beam of light.  Where does it take you?

Me:  To pure light energy.

God:  Your spirit.

Me:  Wow.  It is pure light.  Pure energy.  Beautiful.  Not contained.  Free floating.  Alive.  Powerful yet gentle.  Aware of all that is.  I sense its warmth and love.  Wisdom.  Knowledge.  All knowing.  Truth. Trusting.  Intuitive.  Sensitive.  Strong.  Fearless.

God:  That is your spirit Mary.  It is you as you entered into this lifetime.

Me:  It got buried and separated.

God:  Yes.  Protected.  Necessary.  Nothing can harm the spirit.  You are ready now for the fullness of your spirit to be reconnected with all of you.   Are you ready to accept the fullness of who you are?

Me:  I guess so.  I don’t understand because of course spirit is already in me or I wouldn’t be so why are we doing this?

God:  Are you ready to accept the fullness of who you are?

Me:  I don’t understand.

God:  Are you willing to accept all your gifts, your wisdom, your knowledge, your truth, your intuition, your trust, your fearlessness, your power, your awareness?

Me:  Yes.  Yes I am.

God:  Then breathe in the fullness of your spirit.  Allow it to penetrate through you into the blood into the heart flowing through all of you giving you light energy, truth, wisdom, knowledge, intuition, trust and much more.  It is this spirit that provides you life and sustains you.  You grow in trust and knowledge and intuition and love and truth and wisdom.  Spirit connects all of you within you.  You are all one.

Me:  I am experiencing my spirit.  It warms me.  It feels pure and innocent.  Peaceful.  Divine.  Strong.

God:  That is spirit – your spirit.  That which joins you to all spirits in the earthly realm and spirit realm.

Me:  This is okay right?

God:  You know it is.  You have confidence in your knowing.  Study the wolf, the black panther, the owl and the relationship among all to and with the moon and the sun.

Me:  I will.  I feel so full and centered.

God:  Good.

Me:  I have to stay faithful to my own truth even though I don’t always understand it like tonight.  I am so tired.

God:  Trust and stand in your truth and it will make sense.  Rest now.

This entry was posted in Emotional Abuse, Loving Self, Physical Abuse, Sexual Abuse, Transformation and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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