Healing from Sexual Abuse – A Transformational Journey – Part 53

I just reconnected to this tonight (24 hours later).  The first words I read are the sentence just above.  I am so tired.  So much is going on inside and feel I am dealing with polar opposites inside again.  I need to trust and stand in my truth.

Spirit Dad:  Interesting day.

Me:  Ramona said you were there standing next to me with your hand on my shoulder.  Were you there?

Spirit Dad:  Yes and you know that to be true.  You don’t even have to question it.  Trust your experience.  Trust what your heart knows.

Me:  I get confused sometimes between my heart and my head.  I used to believe Jesus lived in my heart and I operated from that place.

Spirit Dad:  Jesus still lives in your heart but it is more than you believe you understand.  Jesus is God.  Jesus is spirit.

Me:  There are so many “violations” and I feel like I should be punished for them.

Spirit Dad:  You are violating the programs and there is no punishment necessary.  It is good to go against a program.  It frees you in the light.

Me:  Are there parts that need to find?

Spirit Dad:  Yes.

Me:  It feels like they are all over the place trying to find a place to rest and there is no place to rest because I am fully aware.

Spirit Dad:  That is correct.

Me:  I am glad you were there today, by the way.  I don’t know who the E name is.  The way she described the spirit wasn’t Ethel, mother’s mother and she said it was tied to you.  Said it could be a family friend.  Don’t know anyone.  Maybe it was a miss.

Spirit Dad:  Not important Mary.  It is a diversion.

Me:  I need to talk to God.

God:  I am here.

Me:  Good because I am way confused.  I am scared.  Am I on the right track or am I going against the Christian principles?  Am I sinning?  Am I evil?  Am I part of Satan’s army?

God:  Confusion is good.  It means you are processing and not accepting all as truth.  You are challenging yourself within.  I am God and I am in all things and all things are in me.  I am creator and you come from creator.  You come from the light and light is more powerful than darkness.  Darkness hides the truth.  Darkness hides choice.  You are light and from the light from me – the creator.  Many walk with you in the spirit realm as you walk with them in the spirit realm.  That is your truth not accepted or understood using Christian principles.   You’ve been missing in the spirit world.  You were locked by the beliefs of your lifetime imposed on you by your parents in human form and then by churches and leadership as you began exploring spirituality more in depth.  You are a deeply spiritual person not bound by earthly or manmade principles.  There was a time for you with the principles.  It allowed you to break free of some addictive behaviors and began using your spiritual eyesight.  As you know you grew quickly beyond the limitations as you hungered for the higher truth.  You are fully engulfed in the center of deep spirituality.  There are no rules or guidelines or principles which your mind seeks in order to provide you safety and security.  There are parts that are frightened by no boundaries.  This is the spiritual life.  You are a spiritual being.  You move between the spirit realm and the earthly realm.  You exist in both.  Both are your experience and both valid.  You’ve always had this ability to you.  You were reunited with your birthright – birth spirit last night.  This is who you are.  You will always meet people who want to contain you as they fear what they do not understand.  The programs are strong in them as well.  It is not your job to free them.  That is their responsibility.  You are to remain and open vessel.  Trust your heart.  Trust your intuition.  Trust your spirit.

Me:  Okay then.  That was clear.  What if I am wrong and all this is an illusion?

God:  Mary, I am God and I am not wrong and I am in you and you are in me.  Is that an illusion?  You are real.  This is real.  This is who you are.  Abide in me and I in you and all is revealed.

Me:  Okay.  Trust my heart.  Trust my intuition.  Trust my spirit.  You are in all those things so trust you.

God:  Yes.  There will be opportunities for you to learn and grow in your faith to what you know now is trued.

Me:  I sense there is a part or parts active right now that are scared and running around.

God:  There are.  Do you want to find them?

Me:  Yes.

God:  Close your eyes.  Be aware of the spirits around you and aware of your guides.

Me:  I am in the woods and there is this dark hole in the ground and there are eyes peering out from there.  They don’t want to be found.

God:  What do you want to do?

Me:  I want to find out who is hiding in a dark whole in the ground and is afraid.

God:  Do you feel fear?

Me:  No.  I feel peaceful.  I feel one with all here.  I feel love and compassion for this one in the hole.

God:  Good.  Fear feeds fear.

Me:  I am going to sit on the rock.  It is a sturdy rock.  Today I was told rocks are our ancestors and provide wisdom.

God:  There is a lot of wisdom in all things from the creator.   Listen to your heart and then follow its lead.

I listen to my heart.  I sense its power and its goodness.  I know its truth.  I know it wants the best for me. It is leading me to speak with the part.

Me:  I don’t know who you are in the hole.  I see your eyes.  They look frightened.  You are in darkness.  Do you want to come out of the hole?

There is no response.  The eyes pull back.

Me:  It is safe outside the hole.  God is here.  I want to know who you are.

Part:  Go away.  You don’t belong here.  I don’t want you here.  You are evil.

Me:  You think I am evil?  Why do you think I am evil?

Being told I am evil and feeling evil is a trigger for me.  I feel fear and worry.

God:  It is only a part expressing its fear.  Important to learn from it but not take on its perception.  Remember to hold to your truths.  We are all with you.

Me:  I am light.  I am free.  I am spirit.  I am life.  There can be no evil in me as God lives in me and if God is life and purity then there is no room for evil.

God:  There is no evil anywhere in you.  There cannot be when you are the light and come from the creator.

Me:  Do you hear that part?  There is no evil in me or around me.  What is it you fear?

Part:  I fear dying and going to hell and living in eternal darkness.

Me:  Oh.  You are that part.  There is only light here and life.  It is so pure and wonderful.  There is no one to hurt you.  Only to love you.

Part:  I don’t want love.

Me:  What do you want?

Part:  For you to stop this nonsense.  Find Jesus.  He is the reason.

Me:  I do have Jesus.  It just is that Jesus/God is far more expansive than you believe.  You are looking with limited vision.

Part:  I got you away from bad people into church.  I’m the one who got you there.  I’m the one who took you from Joan.

Me:  You helped me a lot.  You helped me reconnect with God and experience God’s love.  You helped me learn how to choose a different life from the one I was leading.  That was very important to you.  So, are you the part when I was 12 and accepted Christ?

Part:  that was me.  I loved the bible and learning all the new stories.  It made us feel safe.

Me:  I remember.  It felt right like a place to belong.  Then the parents took it away forbidding us ever to participate again.

Part:  They were mean.  I hated them so much.  I went away.

Me:  I know you did.  We cried a lot at that time and then the light was shut out completely.  The hope gone.  The opportunity for anything different.  I remember those feelings.

Part:  I had to go away to protect you from the meanies.

Me:  Thank you.  Then you came back many many many years later.

Part:  I did because you needed a way out.  You needed love and forgiveness and to understand you weren’t who you thought you were at that time.  So many cloaks you were wearing.

Me:  thank you for doing that.  Thank you for rescuing me once again.  Thank you for taking me to church and feeling the comfort of the songs and the word of God.  Thank you for that experience.  It is so much a part of me.

Part:  You go and ruin it again.  Again.  I don’t like you and I don’t like this and I hate you.

Me:  I love you.  Why do you hate me?

Me:  Because you walked away again from the truth.  This time you knew it.  This time you chose the other side.

Me:  I choose God.  I choose life.  I choose light.  There is no abuse of any kind.  No physical abuse.  No sexual abuse.  No emotional abuse and no spiritual abuse.  I am free for the first time in my life.  Free to love.  Free to be me as cliché as that sounds.

Part:  You believe in things that are not of God.

Me:  What isn’t of God?  God is in all things and in God all things hold together.  Isn’t that a biblical truth and a spiritual truth.  Do you deny that truth?

Part:  It is true but

Me:  There are no buts.  It is either true or not true.  I choose to see God in all things which takes away the notion of evil.  Evil is from the head and not the heart.  Evil is a program passed down from the parents, from the churches.  The only evil is not being true to yourself and true to who you are.

Part:  What about Thou shalt have no other Gods before me.

Me:  I see God in all things and all things in God.  God is all so there can be no other Gods.  The way you are looking at it is the church puts themselves and their judgments and their rules before God.  God is love and that is an absolute truth.  If God is love where is evil?

Part:  I wrestle not with principalities of this earth

Me:  That is true because life is multi-dimensional.  It just is.  Not logical.  I of all people understand that.  God is in all things and in all things.  God is multi-dimensional.  God is love.  God is divinity.  God is the universe.

Part:  For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son that whosoever does not believe in him shall perish.

Me:  I believe in all that God is and how God is expressed.  Please come out of the hole.  I appreciate all that you’ve done, but I don’t need you anymore.  I am safe and in the arms of God and they are big arms.  Come out and see the beauty of all that you have been missing.  Come and see that God is beyond any rules and that God’s love is beyond anything you can imagine.  The mother and the father are dead.  They can’t punish you anymore or banish you.  I want you to experience love and healing.  God is here.  Do you see God’s light?

Part:  Is that God?

Me:  It is.  Do you feel God’s love and warmth?

Part:  Is that God?  How do I know?

Me:  Because it is true.  You’ve been such a great help to me all my life at different times of my life.  I needed you and you were there.  I needed to know about God’s love and you brought me to a place to know it.  I don’t need you anymore.  Your job is done and you can come out and rest.  You can go to the meadow and learn about the beauty of God.

Part:  What if you need me again?

Me:  I won’t.  I am better now.  The parents are dead.  I’m all grown up now and there is no more abuse.  I’ve chosen me.  I’ve found my heart and Worthy.  I am reconnected with spirit.  I am strong and with God.  You’ve done your job well and now it is time for you to rest.

Part:  What if you get mixed up with bad people?

Me:  That won’t happen because I know who is good for me and who is not good for me.  My heart knows.   God and my spirit guides walk with me.  I am aware.  I’ve healed.  Please come out of the hole now and see for yourself.

The part comes out of the hole.  He is a mess.  Looks all shriveled up like a prune.  I want to laugh because this part has had so much power and yet it looks like a prune!

Me:  Thank you for coming out of the hole.  Do you see God here and the spirits.  They are all important for this part of my journey.  The healing.  The finding of who I am.

Part:  I see them all.  It is light out here.

Me:  It is because I am in the light and not darkness.  Are you ready to go to the meadow.  In the meadow you are free of anything that holds you back.  You are free from abuse.  You are free from darkness.  You experience healing and love and peace.

Part:  Okay.  Are there other parts in the meadow?

Me:  Yes.  They are healing.  They don’t bring their jobs with them because I take over the jobs.  Are you ready to leave your job behind and let me have it?  This is very important?

Part:  Yes.  I don’t want to do it anymore.  It is hard work.

Me:  It is.  Thank you for everything you’ve done.  You helped me reconnect with God many years ago.  You helped bring some light in my life.  Now you can rest in the meadow.  Let me know when you see it and what you see?

Part:  I see a bright light.  It is like the sun is in the center of it radiating its light and warmth.  I see other parts there too.

Me:  Amber is there.  Do you see Amber?

Part:  I do.  I do see her.  Can I go now?

Me:  Yes.  Go.  Thank you.

The part is gone into the meadow.  I feel so much joy over this part because of the gift if brought me so many years ago, but its purpose was no longer valid.  He deserved to go to the meadow and heal.

God:  You did good standing in your truth.  You know what your truth is.  You believe in your truth but you let the programs throw you off balance.  It is important for you to let go of the programs.  Are you working on them?

Me:  I am still writing them down as they coming to mind.

God:  You’ve come so far.  Believe in yourself.  Trust yourself.

Me:  I waver with trust which is why I get thrown off center with button pushers.  I fear trusting my heart.

God:  Why do you fear that?

Me:  Because it has mislead me in the past believing in people that turned out to abuse us.  Believing in hope and that there was love out there.

God:  Was it your heart or your head?  Your head is very clever and can disguise itself as the heart.  Did you know that?

Me:  No.  Didn’t know that at all.  Why would the head want to do that?

God:  So you would trust it and believe it.  Why do you believe the head and not the heart?

Me:  Because the head makes sense.  It isn’t connected and can’t be hurt.

God:  Ah.  The heart betrays you much like your body betrayed you.

Me:  Maybe.

God:  You just found your heart.  The heart was connected to your father’s heart.  Of course it would betray you.  Do you believe that is why you fear trusting the heart?

Me:  Guess so.  Hadn’t thought about it.

God:  It is no longer part of your father’s heart.  It is your heart.  Your spirit.  Worthy lives in your heart.  They are all trustworthy.  Where is trust?

Me:  Didn’t we find trust last night?

God:  Did we?  We found your birthright – your originating spirit.  You feel it don’t you.

Me:  I do.

God:  Do you want to find trust?

Me:  Yes.  I haven’t a clue where trust is.

God:  Close your eyes.  Allow your spirit and heart and Worthy to be as one.  Love flows through you and in you and out you.  You are love and you are light.  Think about trust and where trust might be.

Me:  Trust is locked away in a box with chains around it in the control room in the closet behind lock and key.

God:  Trust must be very valuable to be so well protected and locked away.  Why do you think that is?

Me:  Trust was taken from me at birth.  An infant learns trust knowing that her parents will respond to her tears and meet her needs.  Trust is taken away.  I would trust and it would hurt.  I would trust and it would be betrayed.  I would trust and I would be abandoned.  I would trust and it would be used against me.  Trust was like abuse.  It really was and I didn’t know that is how I felt about trust.

God:  Trust was used to hurt you but like everything else it is the person behind it that hurt you and trust was just the tool.  It was taken away at birth and the illusion of trust was given over and over.  Because you never learned that trust was good and people responded to trust, you never trusted yourself.  You didn’t trust yourself because you thought you were evil and bad.  Trust was locked away way out of reach so there wouldn’t be the risk of you finding it.

Me:  Wow!  Well here I am and there is trust.  There are guards outside the door to keep me out.

God:  Do they have a power source you can disconnect them?

Me:  Yes.

God:  When you are ready, disconnect the power source in whatever way you want.

I go up to them.  They look menacing.  I take my knife and slice through their cords and they are no more.  There is no way that these power cords and be reconnected.  So now is the vaulted door.  How valuable trust must be.

Me:  I don’t have the keys to unlock the door.

God:  You do have the keys.  Look in  your heart.  Do you want trust?

Me:  I do want trust in my heart.

God:  Then use all the tools available and go get trust.

I think about the value of trust and how trust is so important in moving through life’s journeys.  I reach out and push down the handle and the door opens to the vault.  I feel a little uncomfortable entering in the vault.  I am not alone.

God:  Do you see the box?

Me:  I do see the box.  It is chained and locked.  I have to remove the locks and the chains.  It is cold here in this room.  I am so tired.

God:  Remove the locks.  Use your hands, your courage, your love to open the locks.

Me:  They are open.  My goodness.

God:  Now open the box.

I go over and take the box off the shelf and put it on the table.  It is so dusty.  Years and years of dust on the box.  I slowly open the box not sure what I will find in there.  I look in the box and there with tape around her mouth and ropes binding hands and legs is Trust.  I remove her from the box and gently remove the tape off her mouth.  There is a long piercing scream that emanates from her.  Years of pain and hiding being expressed.  Years of wanting and knowing being expressed.  Screams.  Piercing screams.

God:  Honor those screams.  She has been captive a long time.

Me:  I honor them.  She can scream all night if she wants and I am here.  I will not leave her ever.

God:  That is good.  There is power in her screams.  They can be heard throughout the realm.

The screams stop.  I untie her.  I hold her.  She is so young.

Me:  Trust, I want you as part of my heart to stand with spirit, heart and worthy.  You are a key part of the heart.  I promise to honor you and keep you safe.  The abuse is over and there is no one to take you from me again.  I need you as part of heart.  You have a special strength that has been missing.  I am ready for your power.  I promise to pay attention to you as part of the whole heart.

God:  Are you ready for her to join the heart.

Me:  Yes, I am ready.

God:  Hold her close.  Look at the wisdom in her eyes.  She knows truth.  She is your truth.  Use trust as discernment.  Trust is a gift.  When ready open your heart to allow trust to enter.

Me:    Trust, I am ready for you to enter my heart and be as one with the rest.

I am amazed at how easily she slid into her rightful place in the heart.  There is unity in the heart.  A oneness.  My truth.

God:  Mary, job well done.  Listen to the heart and follow the heart.  Trust the heart and let it lead.

Me:  Ramona today said that I need to operate in balance between the head and the heart.

God:  Not right now.  The head is fighting the process.  Until we deprogram the head, it is wise to listen to the heart and follow the heart.  It won’t mislead you I promise.  It is there to guide you and help you.  It is love.  It is worthy.  It is your truth.  Stand in that truth and disregard the programs of the head.  It is becoming more and more important for you to complete the process of finding the programs as I explained many days ago.

Me:  I know and I am working on it.  There are so many.

God:  Yes there is.  Work on it.  Don’t ignore it or let it becomes someone else’s reality.

Me:  I do work on it.  I am tired and ready for bed.  Lots of processing this weekend.  Finding myself and who I am.    I am tired.

This entry was posted in Emotional Abuse, Loving Self, Physical Abuse, PTSD, Sexual Abuse and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s