“I have to let you go, Mary. Nothing personal – last one in, first to go,” my boss told me. I looked into his eyes trying to determine if this was a joke or serious. I had only been there four months. I had relocated to the area. Just settled into my new abode. It was the end of the day and he crashed my working world.
Monday, June 16, 2014 started off as a regular workday. I was looking forward to a new week. The day had been good. My manager kept his door closed most of the day. The sales team avoided me. Here I am not clued in to what was about to happen. (Typically I get a sense that something was about to happen.) I had just settled into trusting that all was well.
I hate to admit it but I cried. Crying has been something I’ve become quite proficient at lately – well the past year! Damn tears!!! I couldn’t believe what was happening to me.
“What did I do wrong?” I asked through the tears. I was scanning internal and external and trying to figure it out. He kept saying I did nothing wrong. I didn’t believe him. I had been part of many lay offs from the other side and we always let go those who were “c” employees. I cried.
“Would you like to go to dinner and talk about this?” he asked.
I looked at him through my tears “Really – you just fire me and you want to go to dinner. NO!” The last thing I wanted to do is to prolong this agony. Already things were in slow motion.
I don’t keep much personal items at my workplace. I packed up my few items and I worked on not crying, as I knew I had to walk the plank of “shame” as I walked to my car.
I sat on my couch at home in shock. I didn’t know that PTSD goes with a job firing or lay-off. Connect it with my PTSD from abuse and I was a mess. I kept hearing his words over and over and over. I cried. I cried buckets.
It was shortly before my 61st birthday. This was my 3rd job loss in two years. How did that happen to me? I’ve never lost a job and now 3 in two years. What is going on? I cried. I felt ashamed and embarrassed and could not face anyone. I felt I was better off dead than have to face people with the news that yet again, I lost another job. Who would hire an obese, 61 year old woman who just lost 3 jobs?
It has been a few months now and will share more of the journey now that I’ve chosen to share. I disconnected and isolated. I share more of that as I write further. This has been life changing for me. Transformational.
Please share your story with me. I know I am not alone.