Today I am posting the journal writing of the second day. Yes, I have been focused in this blog sharing my journey with healing from sexual abuse. So, you may ask, why is it that you are now writing about job loss? What is the correlation?
For those of us who have experienced sexual, physical and/or emotional abuse, it is clear. Everything is interrelated. We tend to be triggered and thus respond as if it were the past – PTSD. As we heal, we transform our history which affects other people and situations in our life . We tend to attract what we need to heal. This job was no different.
It became the task of two of the young women to move me out of their department. I don’t know if it was conscious or unconscious – only they would know it. One of their attacks was so cruel and I sat at my desk and cried. Now mind you, I am very familiar with cruelty as I experienced it much of my life. As I said yesterday, crying was becoming a normal expression for me in spite of my self. I almost quit that day, but I didn’t. The fear of being without a job was greater than having to deal with their cruelty.
Later that night I came to understand that how they felt about me, was not my business nor my responsibility. My business was how I felt about me. I understood quickly, that this job was providing me an opportunity to heal my sensitivity to external judgment. Following is my journal writing from that second day.
June 17, 2014
Day 2 following what felt like a bomb going off inside. I am exhausted and really just want to sleep. I take one step at a time and while I know the steps, I am clear that I am lacking the focus. Perhaps that is shock still going thru me. I write this as I am living through it. My stomach is churning, and I feel almost certain that I am going to throw up. How do I share this? How do I tell people what happened? What will they think?
“What judgment they hold for you, is their responsibility and not yours,” says a good friend.
True I think to myself and yet I know me so well to know that being judged poorly because of my situation is an area of sensitivity. Yes, I tell myself, it is an area of growth – an area to change how I experience it. For now, yes, for now it is an issue as it has only been 24 hours since change showed up on my doorstep uninvited.
Yet change showed up. I can’t roll back the clock – it isn’t mine to do. I can only find acceptance within me and make choices to move forward. I am tired today and shock has kind of numbed me to acceptance. Seems I feel this incredible despondency and fatigue. Where to from here?
I give myself permission to be present with my feelings as it is through the feelings and the shedding of tears that I can once again move on.
Having been down this road before you would think it wouldn’t affect me. Yet it does. It affects me deeply. It affects foremost my sense of security. How will I live? How can I provide for myself? How do I tell my daughter?
First step firsts. File unemployment. That is done. So many unknown questions – I remind myself I don’t have to know the answers. The answers will come when it is time.
Now I sit alone in my living room looking through the picture window at the beautiful trees and breathe in from them. Trees go through many seasons and continue to grow. The birth of spring, summer of harvest, fall of the leaves preparing for winter to set in. And so it goes.
This is just another season in my life. Being 60 years old and nearing 61, I’ve been through many seasons – each one leading to the next. Sometimes the winters seemed interminable. Always a spring would come and new birth occurs.
So, right now it looks like winter in my life and yet I wonder if truly I am in the spring of my life birthing a new opportunity. Is it all perspective or all reality? I don’t know.
Tonight I long for bedtime to come so I can fall into what I hope is a dreamless sleep and that I awaken more refreshed as I prepare to meet day 3.
Although it is a challenge to find gratitude throughout in the midst of pain, I choose to be grateful. Today I am grateful for tears that help move me through the process. Thank you that they are there and clear the way for the next season to come.
Feel free to comment and share. Thank you for taking the time to read.