Job Loss – Day Three – Letting the Secret Out

job loss 3Day 3 came and that was the day I had to tell my daughter I had lost yet another job.  This wasn’t a fun day for me.   How would my daughter react?

I’ve worked so hard all my life to overcome the effects of being sexually, physically and emotionally abused.  Somehow my ability to work showed me I was stronger than anything anyone could do to me.  It proved to me I wasn’t crazy.  My parents always told me that I would never amount to anything.  I was nothing more than a failure.  Working help counter that programming.  So those words kept going through my head over and over.

“You will never amount to anything!!” my father shouted.  I could hear him as clear as I heard him so many years ago.  “You are nothing and always will be nothing!” it went on.  Because I lost 3 jobs in 2 years, I believed even more deeply in those words as I was focusing on the loss rather than all the successes.

Tears rolled down my cheeks.  I looked in the mirror and the reflection came back to me as an old woman.  All my life I had to prove I was okay and now I find I am not.  Yes, the ruler I was measuring myself against was all external.

Their words continued.  “There is nothing about you anyone can like.  You are fat and ugly and cold-hearted.”  I sat down on the edge of the toilet sobbing.  They were so right.

I reviewed in my head the past few years and found so many things that matched that experience.  I was exhausted.  Will the voices ever stop?

I pulled myself together and began the 60 minute trip to the doctor.  I was embarrassed at having to tell her what happened again.  I knew we had to move quickly on some items as the medical insurance would cease at the end of the month.  I made a joke about it trying to distance myself from the emotions and the potential pity.  I wanted no pity.  I really didn’t want to tell her.

The next stop was my daughter’s house and as lightly as I could I broke the news to her.  She was not surprised as she sensed it would happen.  My 16-year-old grandson took it the hardest.  He is so serious.  I lightened the mood.  He had become a lifeguard.  He wanted to know what I would do.  So, going to humor I said, “thought maybe I could get hired on as a lifeguard.”  Now I am joking but he takes me seriously.  I see concern clouding his eyes and I say “I will just get me a bikini and watch all those people swim.”  That got him laughing and the doom for him was lifted.

My therapist got me in for an appointment.  I was so relieved.  Someplace I could just be me.  She told me that PTSD from being fired had the same brain chemical action as being in a traumatic accident, rape, etc.  She suggested I meditate and just let it be for the moment.

The third person I told that day was a friend.  I haven’t heard from her since.  I am not sure why that is.  I miss her and I am sorry she made the choice. I don’t even understand it. That was just one.  I’ve had other friends jump in and offer me financial help and places to live.  Truly I was learning the gift of friendship. I was once again in the place of receiving when all my life was spent giving.

I could make no decisions that day.  I knew I needed to take time and allow this to sink in.  I loved where I was living.  It was such a sanctuary for me.  I wasn’t ready to let it go.  I needed time to get my arms around all of it.  Time.  It has only been 3 days and it feels as if it has been an eternity.

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This entry was posted in EMDR, Emotional Abuse, Job Loss, Physical Abuse, PTSD, Sexual Abuse, Transformation and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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