I was diligent sending out resumes to many corporations. It is so much different today than 20 years ago. Everything is done on line. I felt fairly sure if I could get in front of somebody, I could sell myself. I started creating my own death care business and wondered who would want me. I heard that a company on the West Coast wanted me to send them a resume for a consultant position. I quickly tailored the resume to the position and sent it off in an email.
Once the tangibles were taken care of, I was aware that my anxiety levels were high about almost everything. Following is part of my journaling. It is copied and pasted so there may be spelling and punctuation errors.
I don’t know what is going to happen. I still feel in a state of shock. Kind of in a daze. Sometimes tears. Lots of fatigue. I try and go to sleep and I hear “I have to let you go”. My stomach churns. I feel anxious and dazed. Kind of wandering. I manage to control emotions when talking with people. I don’t want anyone’s pity. I feel so relieved not to have to be in that environment anymore. I also feel really anxious sometimes about what is going to happen and what decisions I need to make and where to go. I am exhausted and really want to sleep. Hard to just rest when so much needs to be done. I don’t know what steps to take. My security is my fear and place of instability. Basic need. Security – the ability to survive physically has always been one of my fears. I need to have that stabilized so I can move forward. I am cautious and taking it one step, one day at a time. I just don’t know that I can go through this again. It is tough. I know it doesn’t matter what I think I want. I know I will get what I need and I don’t know what I need. Once again I feel my life on hold. When I talk with people I feel like I have to somehow show them that I am okay. Last year was tough on the people who care about me and I know they are worried that this will go the same way. Well I don’t know that it will or won’t. I do wish I had a tv to get lost into. That is the hard part. I have silence. Alone with my thoughts. Grateful for solitude. Watching some tv would be good. Now the anxiety again. I choose faith and trust that all this is happening for my highest good. It really is easier that way. I know I can’t control the future or the past. I only have this moment to move thru. I can do this. I know I can. I have zero intentions of fighting to stay in my own home this time. If there is no income, there can be no independent living. I don’t know that I can go thru this. I need to find a way to create my own income. First I have to survive. I am not talking about mentally. Maybe I should sell everything and just live in my car and then I don’t need anything and can’t lose anything. I know that comes from a place of trigger/ PTSD. Have nothing, nothing lost. I understand how people give up and do just that. Give up trying and hoping and living. It isn’t just about age, but all people. Sometimes you just give up. Right now I have a roof over my head, food in the house, my dog and I don’t know what tomorrow will bring. Now nerves set in my stomach.
My therapist said this is like the boat accident where I am feeling good and in a moment it is snatched from you. Blood. DeathI’ve never experienced basic security. Ever.
I always felt/feel I have to depend on me and that is all I can depend on. So when I am providing for me and it is “taken” it creates a lot of instability in me. I feel vulnerable and threatened and I go into defense mode. It is so primal for me and is always or was always a threat. As a young child I was threatened that we would lose everything and end up in the pour house if I told. It was always there. Basic security is tentative at most. .
I obsess about the “I have to let you go”. Fuck you.
I don’t know how I can do this again, God.