I was looking forward to this day as I awaited for word on this consultant position with a company in California. Over the weekend I did due diligence learning about the company and bringing together all the material I could send them so they had a sense of my work product. I woke up that day excited and just knowing this would work.
Later in the afternoon I received a call stating they decided to hire a full-time employee for the position who was located in California. For the position they were hiring, it made sense. For me, it was another closed door. How many closed doors were there?
I was despondent. Truly moved on to the pity pot and felt victimized. I went to the familiar place of shame and despair though I know everything happens for our highest good. Sometimes in the midst of a trigger or an experience with compounding PTSD, it is hard to see you are there and it is hard to see hope. Warning!!! The following was my journaling that night. I had choices to make and felt “sorry for myself” to have to make them. I believe in being honest in sharing my story. If I just went to the place where I am at today, I may leave people in silence who need to understand that our journeys are up and down and all around. We are still okay regardless of the experience.
I need a break from life. I need to go somewhere and I can’t. Today is not a good day. Today is so emotional. Didn’t sleep well and the emotions are tough. PTSD I am certain.
The fear is so great today.
It is just hard to be in this position once again. There is so much fear floating around. I won’t talk to anyone. I’ve always done the responsible thing. I’ve always worked. Even when it was so hard, I worked. I always chose the right thing to do when it was work. I never got laid off. I was always top-notch. I had just gotten to the point of trusting that my job was going to last. Once I got on benefits, I thought it was good to go. Had I known differently, I could have been looking for work. I was preparing my own business and so excited that I could once again create. Now I feel caught up again. I really just wanted a chance and I was giving that to myself. I was so grateful for my job and didn’t manifest it going away. I didn’t manifest change. I was grateful it was there so I could have the energy and time to create my business and have money to support me. The PTSD symptoms are so strong today. I can’t seem to make them stop. I didn’t love my job. I liked having the income so I could love creating life. That is all I really wanted. The grief I feel is about not creating my business yet again. Again on hold. Again put to the side. Again. So evidently I am not supposed to do it. Should use the last of my money to buy camping equipment and drive to Cali and camp at the beach and stay there. I know I won’t do that. Just a thought to escape this reality.
God: You did manifest change when you chose to heal and not be defined by the abuse, the job, the criticism. You did manifest change when you could work and not be bothered with the treatment of you. You manifested changed when there was joy in you.
Me: Healing does bring about change. Right now I feel so far away from healing. I know things can’t help but change when there is healing. Relationships change. Jobs change. It isn’t that I loved being treated badly by my co-workers, I liked having an income that allowed me to live alone and help me develop my business.
My daughter called several times today. What are you going to do? What is your plan? Your dog will have to have a barking collar. My friend in Massachusetts called to see how I felt about moving in with her and her sister. My friend in Texas called to see how I felt living with them. Choices. Truly it is a loving expression from all of them and I am grateful. I have to decide quickly. I need to give a month’s notice to my landlord. I am not ready today to choose. What I want is a job to stay where I am that I don’t have to leave again. I want a job that sustains me so I can create wonderful things. I am not asking for a lot God. I am not asking for millions. I am not asking for the world. I am not asking for fancy cars and things or houses. I am only asking for sustenance to survive on my own. And if in the universe’s infinite wisdom that I am not to get that then I ask for clear direction on the next steps. If in your infinite wisdom, I am to once again lose everything, then I ask for the courage to endure it because this time. This time…. I only ask for enough to survive. More is fine but not required. I only ask for an open door that works for me that is perfect for me. I only ask for others to understand the depth of my experience and release judgment of me. I ask for acceptance so that I may have the courage to walk. I am yet once again alone. Silence is my companion. I haven’t asked for a lot in this lifetime God. I asked to give. I asked to be a minister to those hurting. I’ve chosen to be a follower of Spirit. I am on my knees seeking the path to follow. There are no perfect solutions yet. I want my best. Is this my best? Is this all I have at the moment? I accept it. There is no fighting it. It is as it is. I am full of grief and sadness and frustration. I have no answers and no direction. The physical energy is beyond exhausted. Why isn’t there clear direction? Am I missing it? Did I pass it up? What is wrong with me? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?
God: There is nothing wrong with you. You are on a journey doing what so many do learning about surviving. You see how many like you are going thru some of the same challenges. It is a journey.
Me: Yes a journey. And it serves a purpose? Who do I help? What do I bring to the table? What do I have to offer? I thought I finally had the ability to do the surgery. I was this close. I believed it was really going to happen this time. Really did. I thought I was okay and I would be okay until it came time to retire. I was wrong. I ache inside for what I don’t know? Home? Eternal home? I ache inside. I hurt. I am angry. I don’t want to be angry. I want to be in faith and trust. I want to walk upright in faith. I fail at it.
God: Clearing. Not failure. Hard to experience faith with so many different emotions. You have a lot of faith. You are still here and still opening and still processing and still moving forward.
Me: Not sharing this internal conflict and disappointment and discouragement and embarrassment. What must people think of me? A failure? A no good person? I don’t tell people this time. Three strikes and you are out???? Damn. This is weird to me. How are you doing? Someone asks. What do you say? No one wants the truth. They want you to lie to them if you are not okay. They are uncomfortable. They don’t know what to say. “Chin up move forward. You will get a job.” – a confidence that eludes me right now. So tomorrow resumes go out again. I just couldn’t do it today. Today is just not such a great day.
Thankfully I didn’t stay there. It was important for me to go there. Sometimes we go to those places to learn about moving forward. There comes a time that pain doesn’t have to be the motivator. For this day it was. I had no clue what to do.