Losing a job is tough for people. At a time where decisions have to be made and you had to be able to sell yourself, you feel at the bottom. For many self-esteem and self-confidence have been challenged. I was sending resumes out right and left, making phone calls and no one responding. I could no longer wait to make the decision about my life as I had no income and didn’t expect any and I had a responsibility to others and to myself to move forward. I considered living in my car, selling everything and camping on the beach in California, moving in with friends in various states, or moving in with my daughter and her family. Following is the journal excerpt from a couple of days.
June 30, 2014
Monday. 2 weeks ago today I was let go. There are many times that I still see his face and hear his words “Mary, I have to let you go.” Sends shivers down me. The sick feeling in the pit of my stomach wishing it was just another fucking nightmare. It isn’t that I was attached to the job. I was attached to the income that allowed me to live on my own. I couldn’t do it on less. I found an email today from April 28, 2014 that I sent to Chuck about my concern about the company and whether my job was sustainable or not. I called my boss that night as well and he said it was secure and to trust him. Trust him. No. Trust in almost all areas is highly overrated. People say one thing and do another thing. People say they won’t lie anymore and then lie. So this trust thing is simply a word that is used to manipulate people to get you to do what they want or to have you believe something is true when it is not. Just a weird day I guess. Received lots of calls from people who just wanted to talk about their problems and challenges. How do I know what to do or say? I don’t. I just listen. Everyone has their beliefs around what they are experiencing so just let it me. I am looking at a tree in the distance and it seems like God sitting down with a young man placing his head on his shoulder and God is patting him on the back consoling him and loving him – odd how I see that in the tree. Today I feel out of sorts with myself. I feel like I am going crazy and I can’t even define what I mean when I say that. It is solely about me. I feel awkward. I feel wary of the journey. I feel so much like I don’t belong here at all. I feel I should just be dead. Why am I alive? What have I accomplished? I look at all the things I started and wonder why I bother. Have I made a difference? Has this life been lived? I don’t know the answers. I only know the questions. I am unclear God, why the open door to a job that would shut just 4 short months later. I am unclear god, why this house opened up for me to move into, when I have to leave it. I am unclear how I could feel the energy in this living room and know that I would see clients in here. I am unclear how I could move forward just enough in my personal stuff, just to have to stop once again. A lot of this doesn’t make sense to me God. I don’t know what to say or what to think. I feel like I am going through the motions of life. Applying for work. Sending out resumes. Eating at proper times. I started a jigsaw puzzle and even that I could not focus on. Other than housing, I need to pay for phone, car insurance and storage if I keep my furniture. I have to bring in enough to cover that. I am not moving to Massachusetts even though that sounds like it might have some fun and I would have a friend to visit with. I am not moving to Texas. I am paying July rent tomorrow and that will use up the rest of my money. I would like to believe a miracle will happen and I could stay here but I don’t know what miracle that would be. I don’t even know what to pray for. I would like to stay here. I would like to take care of myself financially. That doesn’t seem like a possibility. I know there are miracles and God I could sure use one about now. I feel fresh out of ways to do for myself. I don’t know what to do. I want to have faith that the answer that I can stay will come. Yet I have to give notice to my landlord that I am breaking the lease. I don’t know what to do god. Like I said I am going through the motions of existing. I don’t know God. I could use a miracle about now or at least open doors being a little more inviting. I just feel like the universe was teasing me with a job and this house and a new business. I accepted it and was joyful and grateful. If I am missing a lesson please let me know what that is. I am not sure anymore. I need stability and perhaps I can no longer provide that for myself. I want to expect great things happening and yet it doesn’t seem that way. Yes I know that everything happens for my highest good. I know. It just is awfully hard to see that God. No I am not flat-out on the ground. I won’t be this year. I have moments that I just cry because I am in limbo. Do I pack or do I believe a miracle will come and I can stay? Do I sell everything I have and just have suitcases with clothes that just makes it easier to relocate. No belongings. No issues. Just pick up and go. I know what will happen will happen.
July 1, 2014
Well it is Tuesday and July 1. So talked with my daughter this morning. Did pretty good not crying until I said I wanted to sell everything and I got choked up and said I don’t want to have to pack up and move everything all the time. If I just have a couple suitcases then I can go anywhere and not need help with moving. I said you have no idea how hard this is for me.
God: How are you feeling?
Me: Resolved. There is no other choice that I can see at this moment. I’ve always been willing to hurt myself for money. The physical pain is intense at times. That is dysfunctional thinking!!!! I am releasing it. If I were 40 years old, that would be okay because I still had good years in me. Now those good years have changed. If the universe opens up a different door and allows me to stay here, I am deeply grateful. I just don’t understand why all this came about to lose it again. I had plans here. Perhaps I am to be dependent on others for support. I just am not great at that. Maybe I am supposed to be. If I could turn these adversities into something positive that would be great.
God: Important to feel all the emotions and allow all the tears. Until you do that, there can be no acceptance.
Me: I actually accept it. I broke last year. This year I am not broken. I feel frustrated about this. Shit happens I know but this is a lot of work for what to go back and do the same thing AGAIN. Sheesh. So apparently there is something more for me to learn and I wish that would be pointed out so I can learn it and be done with this craziness!!!! I will do it with grace and thanksgiving serving the family. I am losing time for myself. I just got to figure it all out. I have 30 days left. I have never finished unpacking so packing shouldn’t be so bad. I love this house. I love its energy. Doesn’t make sense my leaving it and leaving the plans I made. But it isn’t to be yet. I am okay. Got what I need to survive which is more than what some people in the world get. Grateful for that. Just spoke with my friend in Massachusetts that I am not coming. I was somewhat sad to tell her as we had talked about big plans together. She understood that going to my daughter’s made sense because of the disability. But this is right. I knew it without a doubt this morning, which is what I’ve been waiting for. I feel like I’ve taken a step forward in my life for me. I love my family and will care for them well. I will learn much from them I am sure. So God, I’ve taken a step forward. Closed the door with MA and TX and opened the door with my daughter. I have faith and trust that will lighten the path. No more indecision. I am still manifesting a miracle that allows me to stay here. I remember seeing a motivational speaker in my early 20’s. My father took my brother and me there. The one thing I remember about this guy that has stayed with me for the rest of my life are these words: “Any decision is better than indecision.” That clicked for me in a period of time where I couldn’t make a decision. Whenever I get to that place again, and I do, his words come back to me. Any decision is movement. Any decision if it isn’t right can be turned around. Indecision is immobility and nothing can happen. So this morning I knew what I needed to do and I ask for grace for all of us. I ask for time to get some work done so I can earn money for my expenses.
God: You have taken action steps for yourself. You made a choice that will help you get what you need to sustain yourself. You are learning to choose what is best for you without the emotion behind it. Choosing for you means looking at ultimately the best. You were able to wait and listen and make the right move for you. This time it is different because you are choosing you and not fighting to stay.