It has been a while since I shared the early journey of my sexual abuse. It is interrupted due to yet another job loss. For me, it ties all together. I believe we get what we need (not necessarily what we want) to heal and move forward on our journey. We have a choice to stay in despair and victimhood or we heal through it. It is a tough choice especially for those who have been hurt so bad. Despair and victimhood sometimes are familiar friends even if we don’t seek it. Change happens when we are willing to transform the experiences.
Just before this last job loss, my process in my healing was focusing on faith and trust and not taking responsibility for other people’s feelings or thoughts about me. I was growing in self-confidence and manifesting. I really felt everything was on the right course and then bam!!! The bottom is removed once again. It was giving me the experience of finding my own internal balance and stability. I used external sources as my self-definition and my stability. I had faith and trust in them. So you ask – you lost three jobs and you have faith and trust in a job?? Yes. You see, I held a belief that it was all my fault and I was to blame. If I were enough, then it wouldn’t happen. This was the programming of my early years and which apparently I still carried.
When everything is taken from you, all you have left is yourself and God and close friends who choose to stand with you on the journey. I had two drop off. I love them and I understand. I have 3 steadfast friends who don’t try to fix it but are there as support and encouragement and other assistance as needed. The internal work is up to me.
I had been released from “prison” three times and two of those time I chose to return to “prison” because it was all too familiar. Working for abusive authority people, was not unlike living in an abusive family. Prison doesn’t have to be cement walls and bars – it can be anything that keeps us from living fully in our life – the programs that dictate our beliefs and actions. This time I am aware of my choices. I was wobbly to say the least. My soul was pushing me to my highest good.
I was shaken. I cried. I was afraid. One morning, July 2, 2014, I woke up and was feeling more encouraged and not by any external changes but by changes inside of me. Below I share some of that day from my journal.
July 2, 2014
I woke up this morning with a smile on my face and optimism in my heart. Not sure why but I accept that it is here with me. I slept long last night. 9 hours. Dreams. Seems to be a break from the PTSD experience.
Been a very interesting day. Been watching the National Speakers Association conference all morning and feel very motivated – more than I have been in a very long time. The pearls have come to me and helping me to redefine my life and my experience taking the hard and moving forward. It has been awesome. It has really helped me to look at myself in a different way and take what is happening in my life and turn it around for good. That has been the unspoken question. What good is there in this? I think I am beginning to grasp that it is the foundation for my faith. The experiences are my education and gives credibility to what I do. So very motivated. I don’t listen to motivational speeches as I used to. They are so canned so often but these today resonated with me in a very new way – a way I was ready to hear.
It is interesting because I set up a to do sheet for me last night for today so I can see myself making progress. It was quite helpful. I sat down to finish my certification and the reminder popped up and I made a choice to listen thinking I would listen a couple of minutes and likely hear what I always hear. I was surprised and therefore my to do is out the window having accomplished only ½ of it. Oh well since being on this healing journey, my obsession to be rule oriented is gone. I have something new to add to the to do and that is to redefine my experience and position for foundation of creativity. I am so tired. That happens a lot when new stream of information comes thru to me
God: How are you feeling with everything?
Me: Today okay. I made a decision yesterday. I am moving forward. I am looking at everything with faith and that is good. Trust is something I am setting aside right now as it is very loaded for me. Trust has been so huge and if that trust is betrayed it has a tremendous effect on me. I was thinking about it this morning and realized I need to remove the trust element from my life right now. I don’t trust anyone or anything. I am okay with that. I realize that when a person behaves distrustfully or lies that it isn’t my responsibility. It is their’s. They are the ones giving themselves a deceitful experience. I don’t have to participate in that so trust really isn’t as important as I make it out to be. I don’t think. I haven’t decided yet actually. I have faith. If I trust no one, does that mean anything bad or specific? Perhaps it removes the energy of it. So right now, until it makes sense again, trust is no longer something I seek. I have faith and have no issues with faith. I can’t trust right now. I have faith and I believe it can be different. Perhaps I am not sure what to trust in. So faith and belief are concepts I can get my arms around. I have faith in God – the divine that all things are for our highest good. It isn’t people or things or jobs to have faith in or to trust. None of that is trustworthy. Source, God, the divine is what I have faith in. The best I can do is bring myself forward and be me.
God: If you don’t trust, you can’t be betrayed or victimized.
Me: That is true. So it seems that I need to set it aside for now until I can let the energy change around it. I think that is a healthy way of moving forward. Once I redefine the trust experience, perhaps I will include it or find that it really isn’t important. I believe that my being a trustworthy person is very important and a character trait I choose to continue with yet with a different definition. I don’t know what that is. So I need to heal this within me from both perspectives. Lies we tell others and lies we tell ourselves really hurt the core of who we are. The question is how would our soul/our core self/our higher self deal in the same situation? I sincerely doubt it. I look forward to learning to live in faith – in balance – with stability. Thank you God.