Being ill and dealing with government people has taken my focus from sharing my journey. After waking up to a tornado warning this morning, I am now settling in for the day and have a few moments to share. Thank you all for sharing my journey with me. Blessings to you.
July 3 2014
All my life people have been trying to put me in a box that didn’t fit me, and all my life I’ve allowed that to happen believing it was normal. I felt it was my fault and I was wrong if I didn’t fit in the box. I tried as hard as I could to become the box. All my life I pretty much haven’t been happy for a number of reasons, the abuse being a huge part of it, but living inside a box defined by every one else: Parents, siblings, husband, lovers, therapists, friends. I accepted it and decided that my discomfort with it was my responsibility because I WASN’T GOOD ENOUGH. Today I realize that I don’t fit in the box because that box is not mine to fit in. This last job really spoke about that. I felt I was a misfit. I tried to stay in the box and it took hard stuff to get me out of there. As difficult as unemployment is, there has been a sense of relief to be away from those places. They were both abusive but it was deeper than that. The greatest abuse was trying to fit in the boxes they wanted me in. The way I was treated by the second job loss broke me. Lots of little pieces shattered and it took a long time to grow thru that. I wasn’t broken at the other job. Didn’t much like what was going on but I was okay with being in a job that wasn’t me. I had income. Whew. I could survive on my own. Yes. I even had time to begin creating for myself. Yeah!!! Then everything came to a halt – once again without a job. I couldn’t enjoy the relief and release because I was so worried about making my own income. There were tears of anger and regrets. I was mad at myself but for what. Last one in, first to go. I would think to myself if only I had been perfect, they would have found another solution. I realize today I am perfect just as I am and if I am not a fit for somebody, for some organization then that is his or her loss. I am perfectly me. No not really. I am getting to be perfectly me and really that doesn’t fit into a box. I was born to live outside the box and all my life they’ve tried to put me in a box and I stayed there. Safety meant fitting in the box even though the box wasn’t a fit for me. I put myself thru all kinds of contortions to fit in the mother-fucking box. Now — what now. No income. No box. Maybe it is okay that I never could color in the lines. Maybe it is okay that I played the piano according to how I intuited the music rather than the notes. Maybe it is okay that I don’t like to see animals locked in cages for our so-called “entertainment”. Maybe it is okay that I accept my dog even when he is expressing himself. Maybe because I don’t want him in a box. Maybe I identify with that. I didn’t want my daughter in a box. I’ve conformed all my life. If I were younger I would hit the road and just travel everywhere. I am not. I am in the box of being nearly 61 years old. People say it is the new 40. Seriously!!! What a crap of rationalization against aging! At age 40 I was working 12 hours a day. I became a grandparent. I hiked in the redwoods and the beach. I can’t do that today. Some can I am sure, but I can’t. The 60’s on one hand have not been good to me and yet on the other hand they’ve set me free. How can you be set free when you don’t have the ability to be free? I expect I will find a new type of freedom. So what do I do if I don’t want to live in a box created by someone else? I create my own box. But what is it. I go in thousands of directions at one time as I imagine wonderful and beautiful things. The fear box has got to go. When we are ourselves then we can be truly happy. Happiness is not found being in a box defined by someone else that doesn’t fit us. I tried so hard all my life. This is the time I rebuild my life. I take it and I experience is and I expand it. I want to rebuild it different this time. I want the foundation to be me. So over the next month I will answer these questions.
- I am an expert in:
- How are people better off because of what I can bring to them?
- What is the value I bring?
- Who do I bring value to?
I am ready for a new life – a new beginning – a new opportunity. It seems I am going roundabout in getting there. I will be damned if I let this be the last word in my life.