Job Loss – Day Two – Trying to Make Sense of it All

job loss2Today I am posting the journal writing of the second day.  Yes, I have been focused in this blog sharing my journey with healing from sexual abuse.  So, you may ask, why is it that you are now writing about job loss?  What is the correlation?

For those of us who have experienced sexual, physical and/or emotional abuse, it is clear. Everything is interrelated.  We tend to be triggered and thus respond as  if  it were the past – PTSD. As we heal, we transform our history which affects other people and situations in our life .  We tend to attract what we need to heal.  This job was no different.

It became the task of two of the young women to move me out of their department.  I don’t know if it was conscious or unconscious – only they would know it.  One of their attacks was so cruel and I sat at my desk and cried.  Now mind you, I am very familiar with cruelty as I experienced it much of my life.  As I said yesterday, crying was becoming a normal expression for me in spite of my self.  I almost quit that day, but I didn’t.  The fear of being without a job was greater than having to deal with their cruelty.

Later that night I came to understand that how they felt about me, was not my business nor my responsibility.  My business was how I felt about me.  I understood quickly, that this job was providing me an opportunity to heal my sensitivity to external judgment.  Following is my journal writing from that second day.

June 17, 2014

Day 2 following what felt like a bomb going off inside. I am exhausted and really just want to sleep. I take one step at a time and while I know the steps, I am clear that I am lacking the focus. Perhaps that is shock still going thru me. I write this as I am living through it. My stomach is churning, and I feel almost certain that I am going to throw up. How do I share this? How do I tell people what happened? What will they think?

“What judgment they hold for you, is their responsibility and not yours,” says a good friend.

True I think to myself and yet I know me so well to know that being judged poorly because of my situation is an area of sensitivity. Yes, I tell myself, it is an area of growth – an area to change how I experience it. For now, yes, for now it is an issue as it has only been 24 hours since change showed up on my doorstep uninvited.

Yet change showed up. I can’t roll back the clock – it isn’t mine to do. I can only find acceptance within me and make choices to move forward. I am tired today and shock has kind of numbed me to acceptance. Seems I feel this incredible despondency and fatigue. Where to from here?

I give myself permission to be present with my feelings as it is through the feelings and the shedding of tears that I can once again move on.

Having been down this road before you would think it wouldn’t affect me. Yet it does. It affects me deeply. It affects foremost my sense of security. How will I live? How can I provide for myself? How do I tell my daughter?

First step firsts. File unemployment. That is done. So many unknown questions – I remind myself I don’t have to know the answers. The answers will come when it is time.

Now I sit alone in my living room looking through the picture window at the beautiful trees and breathe in from them. Trees go through many seasons and continue to grow. The birth of spring, summer of harvest, fall of the leaves preparing for winter to set in. And so it goes.

This is just another season in my life. Being 60 years old and nearing 61, I’ve been through many seasons – each one leading to the next. Sometimes the winters seemed interminable. Always a spring would come and new birth occurs.

So, right now it looks like winter in my life and yet I wonder if truly I am in the spring of my life birthing a new opportunity. Is it all perspective or all reality? I don’t know.

Tonight I long for bedtime to come so I can fall into what I hope is a dreamless sleep and that I awaken more refreshed as I prepare to meet day 3.

Although it is a challenge to find gratitude throughout in the midst of pain, I choose to be grateful. Today I am grateful for tears that help move me through the process. Thank you that they are there and clear the way for the next season to come.

Feel free to comment and share.  Thank you for taking the time to read.

Posted in EMDR, Emotional Abuse, Job Loss, Loving Self, Physical Abuse, Sexual Abuse, Transformation | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Job Loss – Day One – Shock

letting go“I have to let you go, Mary. Nothing personal – last one in, first to go,” my boss told me. I looked into his eyes trying to determine if this was a joke or serious. I had only been there four months. I had relocated to the area. Just settled into my new abode. It was the end of the day and he crashed my working world.

Monday, June 16, 2014 started off as a regular workday. I was looking forward to a new week. The day had been good. My manager kept his door closed most of the day. The sales team avoided me. Here I am not clued in to what was about to happen. (Typically I get a sense that something was about to happen.) I had just settled into trusting that all was well.

I hate to admit it but I cried. Crying has been something I’ve become quite proficient at lately – well the past year! Damn tears!!!  I couldn’t believe what was happening to me.

“What did I do wrong?” I asked through the tears. I was scanning internal and external and trying to figure it out. He kept saying I did nothing wrong. I didn’t believe him. I had been part of many lay offs from the other side and we always let go those who were “c” employees. I cried.

“Would you like to go to dinner and talk about this?” he asked.

I looked at him through my tears “Really – you just fire me and you want to go to dinner. NO!” The last thing I wanted to do is to prolong this agony. Already things were in slow motion.

I don’t keep much personal items at my workplace. I packed up my few items and I worked on not crying, as I knew I had to walk the plank of “shame” as I walked to my car.

I sat on my couch at home in shock. I didn’t know that PTSD goes with a job firing or lay-off. Connect it with my PTSD from abuse and I was a mess. I kept hearing his words over and over and over. I cried. I cried buckets.

It was shortly before my 61st birthday. This was my 3rd job loss in two years. How did that happen to me? I’ve never lost a job and now 3 in two years. What is going on? I cried. I felt ashamed and embarrassed and could not face anyone. I felt I was better off dead than have to face people with the news that yet again, I lost another job. Who would hire an obese, 61 year old woman who just lost 3 jobs?

It has been a few months now and will share more of the journey now that I’ve chosen to share. I disconnected and isolated. I share more of that as I write further. This has been life changing for me. Transformational.

Please share your story with me. I know I am not alone.




Posted in Job Loss, PTSD, Transformation | Tagged , , , , | 1 Comment

Healing from Sexual Abuse – A Transformational Journey – Part 53

I just reconnected to this tonight (24 hours later).  The first words I read are the sentence just above.  I am so tired.  So much is going on inside and feel I am dealing with polar opposites inside again.  I need to trust and stand in my truth.

Spirit Dad:  Interesting day.

Me:  Ramona said you were there standing next to me with your hand on my shoulder.  Were you there?

Spirit Dad:  Yes and you know that to be true.  You don’t even have to question it.  Trust your experience.  Trust what your heart knows.

Me:  I get confused sometimes between my heart and my head.  I used to believe Jesus lived in my heart and I operated from that place.

Spirit Dad:  Jesus still lives in your heart but it is more than you believe you understand.  Jesus is God.  Jesus is spirit.

Me:  There are so many “violations” and I feel like I should be punished for them.

Spirit Dad:  You are violating the programs and there is no punishment necessary.  It is good to go against a program.  It frees you in the light.

Me:  Are there parts that need to find?

Spirit Dad:  Yes.

Me:  It feels like they are all over the place trying to find a place to rest and there is no place to rest because I am fully aware.

Spirit Dad:  That is correct.

Me:  I am glad you were there today, by the way.  I don’t know who the E name is.  The way she described the spirit wasn’t Ethel, mother’s mother and she said it was tied to you.  Said it could be a family friend.  Don’t know anyone.  Maybe it was a miss.

Spirit Dad:  Not important Mary.  It is a diversion.

Me:  I need to talk to God.

God:  I am here.

Me:  Good because I am way confused.  I am scared.  Am I on the right track or am I going against the Christian principles?  Am I sinning?  Am I evil?  Am I part of Satan’s army?

God:  Confusion is good.  It means you are processing and not accepting all as truth.  You are challenging yourself within.  I am God and I am in all things and all things are in me.  I am creator and you come from creator.  You come from the light and light is more powerful than darkness.  Darkness hides the truth.  Darkness hides choice.  You are light and from the light from me – the creator.  Many walk with you in the spirit realm as you walk with them in the spirit realm.  That is your truth not accepted or understood using Christian principles.   You’ve been missing in the spirit world.  You were locked by the beliefs of your lifetime imposed on you by your parents in human form and then by churches and leadership as you began exploring spirituality more in depth.  You are a deeply spiritual person not bound by earthly or manmade principles.  There was a time for you with the principles.  It allowed you to break free of some addictive behaviors and began using your spiritual eyesight.  As you know you grew quickly beyond the limitations as you hungered for the higher truth.  You are fully engulfed in the center of deep spirituality.  There are no rules or guidelines or principles which your mind seeks in order to provide you safety and security.  There are parts that are frightened by no boundaries.  This is the spiritual life.  You are a spiritual being.  You move between the spirit realm and the earthly realm.  You exist in both.  Both are your experience and both valid.  You’ve always had this ability to you.  You were reunited with your birthright – birth spirit last night.  This is who you are.  You will always meet people who want to contain you as they fear what they do not understand.  The programs are strong in them as well.  It is not your job to free them.  That is their responsibility.  You are to remain and open vessel.  Trust your heart.  Trust your intuition.  Trust your spirit.

Me:  Okay then.  That was clear.  What if I am wrong and all this is an illusion?

God:  Mary, I am God and I am not wrong and I am in you and you are in me.  Is that an illusion?  You are real.  This is real.  This is who you are.  Abide in me and I in you and all is revealed.

Me:  Okay.  Trust my heart.  Trust my intuition.  Trust my spirit.  You are in all those things so trust you.

God:  Yes.  There will be opportunities for you to learn and grow in your faith to what you know now is trued.

Me:  I sense there is a part or parts active right now that are scared and running around.

God:  There are.  Do you want to find them?

Me:  Yes.

God:  Close your eyes.  Be aware of the spirits around you and aware of your guides.

Me:  I am in the woods and there is this dark hole in the ground and there are eyes peering out from there.  They don’t want to be found.

God:  What do you want to do?

Me:  I want to find out who is hiding in a dark whole in the ground and is afraid.

God:  Do you feel fear?

Me:  No.  I feel peaceful.  I feel one with all here.  I feel love and compassion for this one in the hole.

God:  Good.  Fear feeds fear.

Me:  I am going to sit on the rock.  It is a sturdy rock.  Today I was told rocks are our ancestors and provide wisdom.

God:  There is a lot of wisdom in all things from the creator.   Listen to your heart and then follow its lead.

I listen to my heart.  I sense its power and its goodness.  I know its truth.  I know it wants the best for me. It is leading me to speak with the part.

Me:  I don’t know who you are in the hole.  I see your eyes.  They look frightened.  You are in darkness.  Do you want to come out of the hole?

There is no response.  The eyes pull back.

Me:  It is safe outside the hole.  God is here.  I want to know who you are.

Part:  Go away.  You don’t belong here.  I don’t want you here.  You are evil.

Me:  You think I am evil?  Why do you think I am evil?

Being told I am evil and feeling evil is a trigger for me.  I feel fear and worry.

God:  It is only a part expressing its fear.  Important to learn from it but not take on its perception.  Remember to hold to your truths.  We are all with you.

Me:  I am light.  I am free.  I am spirit.  I am life.  There can be no evil in me as God lives in me and if God is life and purity then there is no room for evil.

God:  There is no evil anywhere in you.  There cannot be when you are the light and come from the creator.

Me:  Do you hear that part?  There is no evil in me or around me.  What is it you fear?

Part:  I fear dying and going to hell and living in eternal darkness.

Me:  Oh.  You are that part.  There is only light here and life.  It is so pure and wonderful.  There is no one to hurt you.  Only to love you.

Part:  I don’t want love.

Me:  What do you want?

Part:  For you to stop this nonsense.  Find Jesus.  He is the reason.

Me:  I do have Jesus.  It just is that Jesus/God is far more expansive than you believe.  You are looking with limited vision.

Part:  I got you away from bad people into church.  I’m the one who got you there.  I’m the one who took you from Joan.

Me:  You helped me a lot.  You helped me reconnect with God and experience God’s love.  You helped me learn how to choose a different life from the one I was leading.  That was very important to you.  So, are you the part when I was 12 and accepted Christ?

Part:  that was me.  I loved the bible and learning all the new stories.  It made us feel safe.

Me:  I remember.  It felt right like a place to belong.  Then the parents took it away forbidding us ever to participate again.

Part:  They were mean.  I hated them so much.  I went away.

Me:  I know you did.  We cried a lot at that time and then the light was shut out completely.  The hope gone.  The opportunity for anything different.  I remember those feelings.

Part:  I had to go away to protect you from the meanies.

Me:  Thank you.  Then you came back many many many years later.

Part:  I did because you needed a way out.  You needed love and forgiveness and to understand you weren’t who you thought you were at that time.  So many cloaks you were wearing.

Me:  thank you for doing that.  Thank you for rescuing me once again.  Thank you for taking me to church and feeling the comfort of the songs and the word of God.  Thank you for that experience.  It is so much a part of me.

Part:  You go and ruin it again.  Again.  I don’t like you and I don’t like this and I hate you.

Me:  I love you.  Why do you hate me?

Me:  Because you walked away again from the truth.  This time you knew it.  This time you chose the other side.

Me:  I choose God.  I choose life.  I choose light.  There is no abuse of any kind.  No physical abuse.  No sexual abuse.  No emotional abuse and no spiritual abuse.  I am free for the first time in my life.  Free to love.  Free to be me as cliché as that sounds.

Part:  You believe in things that are not of God.

Me:  What isn’t of God?  God is in all things and in God all things hold together.  Isn’t that a biblical truth and a spiritual truth.  Do you deny that truth?

Part:  It is true but

Me:  There are no buts.  It is either true or not true.  I choose to see God in all things which takes away the notion of evil.  Evil is from the head and not the heart.  Evil is a program passed down from the parents, from the churches.  The only evil is not being true to yourself and true to who you are.

Part:  What about Thou shalt have no other Gods before me.

Me:  I see God in all things and all things in God.  God is all so there can be no other Gods.  The way you are looking at it is the church puts themselves and their judgments and their rules before God.  God is love and that is an absolute truth.  If God is love where is evil?

Part:  I wrestle not with principalities of this earth

Me:  That is true because life is multi-dimensional.  It just is.  Not logical.  I of all people understand that.  God is in all things and in all things.  God is multi-dimensional.  God is love.  God is divinity.  God is the universe.

Part:  For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son that whosoever does not believe in him shall perish.

Me:  I believe in all that God is and how God is expressed.  Please come out of the hole.  I appreciate all that you’ve done, but I don’t need you anymore.  I am safe and in the arms of God and they are big arms.  Come out and see the beauty of all that you have been missing.  Come and see that God is beyond any rules and that God’s love is beyond anything you can imagine.  The mother and the father are dead.  They can’t punish you anymore or banish you.  I want you to experience love and healing.  God is here.  Do you see God’s light?

Part:  Is that God?

Me:  It is.  Do you feel God’s love and warmth?

Part:  Is that God?  How do I know?

Me:  Because it is true.  You’ve been such a great help to me all my life at different times of my life.  I needed you and you were there.  I needed to know about God’s love and you brought me to a place to know it.  I don’t need you anymore.  Your job is done and you can come out and rest.  You can go to the meadow and learn about the beauty of God.

Part:  What if you need me again?

Me:  I won’t.  I am better now.  The parents are dead.  I’m all grown up now and there is no more abuse.  I’ve chosen me.  I’ve found my heart and Worthy.  I am reconnected with spirit.  I am strong and with God.  You’ve done your job well and now it is time for you to rest.

Part:  What if you get mixed up with bad people?

Me:  That won’t happen because I know who is good for me and who is not good for me.  My heart knows.   God and my spirit guides walk with me.  I am aware.  I’ve healed.  Please come out of the hole now and see for yourself.

The part comes out of the hole.  He is a mess.  Looks all shriveled up like a prune.  I want to laugh because this part has had so much power and yet it looks like a prune!

Me:  Thank you for coming out of the hole.  Do you see God here and the spirits.  They are all important for this part of my journey.  The healing.  The finding of who I am.

Part:  I see them all.  It is light out here.

Me:  It is because I am in the light and not darkness.  Are you ready to go to the meadow.  In the meadow you are free of anything that holds you back.  You are free from abuse.  You are free from darkness.  You experience healing and love and peace.

Part:  Okay.  Are there other parts in the meadow?

Me:  Yes.  They are healing.  They don’t bring their jobs with them because I take over the jobs.  Are you ready to leave your job behind and let me have it?  This is very important?

Part:  Yes.  I don’t want to do it anymore.  It is hard work.

Me:  It is.  Thank you for everything you’ve done.  You helped me reconnect with God many years ago.  You helped bring some light in my life.  Now you can rest in the meadow.  Let me know when you see it and what you see?

Part:  I see a bright light.  It is like the sun is in the center of it radiating its light and warmth.  I see other parts there too.

Me:  Amber is there.  Do you see Amber?

Part:  I do.  I do see her.  Can I go now?

Me:  Yes.  Go.  Thank you.

The part is gone into the meadow.  I feel so much joy over this part because of the gift if brought me so many years ago, but its purpose was no longer valid.  He deserved to go to the meadow and heal.

God:  You did good standing in your truth.  You know what your truth is.  You believe in your truth but you let the programs throw you off balance.  It is important for you to let go of the programs.  Are you working on them?

Me:  I am still writing them down as they coming to mind.

God:  You’ve come so far.  Believe in yourself.  Trust yourself.

Me:  I waver with trust which is why I get thrown off center with button pushers.  I fear trusting my heart.

God:  Why do you fear that?

Me:  Because it has mislead me in the past believing in people that turned out to abuse us.  Believing in hope and that there was love out there.

God:  Was it your heart or your head?  Your head is very clever and can disguise itself as the heart.  Did you know that?

Me:  No.  Didn’t know that at all.  Why would the head want to do that?

God:  So you would trust it and believe it.  Why do you believe the head and not the heart?

Me:  Because the head makes sense.  It isn’t connected and can’t be hurt.

God:  Ah.  The heart betrays you much like your body betrayed you.

Me:  Maybe.

God:  You just found your heart.  The heart was connected to your father’s heart.  Of course it would betray you.  Do you believe that is why you fear trusting the heart?

Me:  Guess so.  Hadn’t thought about it.

God:  It is no longer part of your father’s heart.  It is your heart.  Your spirit.  Worthy lives in your heart.  They are all trustworthy.  Where is trust?

Me:  Didn’t we find trust last night?

God:  Did we?  We found your birthright – your originating spirit.  You feel it don’t you.

Me:  I do.

God:  Do you want to find trust?

Me:  Yes.  I haven’t a clue where trust is.

God:  Close your eyes.  Allow your spirit and heart and Worthy to be as one.  Love flows through you and in you and out you.  You are love and you are light.  Think about trust and where trust might be.

Me:  Trust is locked away in a box with chains around it in the control room in the closet behind lock and key.

God:  Trust must be very valuable to be so well protected and locked away.  Why do you think that is?

Me:  Trust was taken from me at birth.  An infant learns trust knowing that her parents will respond to her tears and meet her needs.  Trust is taken away.  I would trust and it would hurt.  I would trust and it would be betrayed.  I would trust and I would be abandoned.  I would trust and it would be used against me.  Trust was like abuse.  It really was and I didn’t know that is how I felt about trust.

God:  Trust was used to hurt you but like everything else it is the person behind it that hurt you and trust was just the tool.  It was taken away at birth and the illusion of trust was given over and over.  Because you never learned that trust was good and people responded to trust, you never trusted yourself.  You didn’t trust yourself because you thought you were evil and bad.  Trust was locked away way out of reach so there wouldn’t be the risk of you finding it.

Me:  Wow!  Well here I am and there is trust.  There are guards outside the door to keep me out.

God:  Do they have a power source you can disconnect them?

Me:  Yes.

God:  When you are ready, disconnect the power source in whatever way you want.

I go up to them.  They look menacing.  I take my knife and slice through their cords and they are no more.  There is no way that these power cords and be reconnected.  So now is the vaulted door.  How valuable trust must be.

Me:  I don’t have the keys to unlock the door.

God:  You do have the keys.  Look in  your heart.  Do you want trust?

Me:  I do want trust in my heart.

God:  Then use all the tools available and go get trust.

I think about the value of trust and how trust is so important in moving through life’s journeys.  I reach out and push down the handle and the door opens to the vault.  I feel a little uncomfortable entering in the vault.  I am not alone.

God:  Do you see the box?

Me:  I do see the box.  It is chained and locked.  I have to remove the locks and the chains.  It is cold here in this room.  I am so tired.

God:  Remove the locks.  Use your hands, your courage, your love to open the locks.

Me:  They are open.  My goodness.

God:  Now open the box.

I go over and take the box off the shelf and put it on the table.  It is so dusty.  Years and years of dust on the box.  I slowly open the box not sure what I will find in there.  I look in the box and there with tape around her mouth and ropes binding hands and legs is Trust.  I remove her from the box and gently remove the tape off her mouth.  There is a long piercing scream that emanates from her.  Years of pain and hiding being expressed.  Years of wanting and knowing being expressed.  Screams.  Piercing screams.

God:  Honor those screams.  She has been captive a long time.

Me:  I honor them.  She can scream all night if she wants and I am here.  I will not leave her ever.

God:  That is good.  There is power in her screams.  They can be heard throughout the realm.

The screams stop.  I untie her.  I hold her.  She is so young.

Me:  Trust, I want you as part of my heart to stand with spirit, heart and worthy.  You are a key part of the heart.  I promise to honor you and keep you safe.  The abuse is over and there is no one to take you from me again.  I need you as part of heart.  You have a special strength that has been missing.  I am ready for your power.  I promise to pay attention to you as part of the whole heart.

God:  Are you ready for her to join the heart.

Me:  Yes, I am ready.

God:  Hold her close.  Look at the wisdom in her eyes.  She knows truth.  She is your truth.  Use trust as discernment.  Trust is a gift.  When ready open your heart to allow trust to enter.

Me:    Trust, I am ready for you to enter my heart and be as one with the rest.

I am amazed at how easily she slid into her rightful place in the heart.  There is unity in the heart.  A oneness.  My truth.

God:  Mary, job well done.  Listen to the heart and follow the heart.  Trust the heart and let it lead.

Me:  Ramona today said that I need to operate in balance between the head and the heart.

God:  Not right now.  The head is fighting the process.  Until we deprogram the head, it is wise to listen to the heart and follow the heart.  It won’t mislead you I promise.  It is there to guide you and help you.  It is love.  It is worthy.  It is your truth.  Stand in that truth and disregard the programs of the head.  It is becoming more and more important for you to complete the process of finding the programs as I explained many days ago.

Me:  I know and I am working on it.  There are so many.

God:  Yes there is.  Work on it.  Don’t ignore it or let it becomes someone else’s reality.

Me:  I do work on it.  I am tired and ready for bed.  Lots of processing this weekend.  Finding myself and who I am.    I am tired.

Posted in Emotional Abuse, Loving Self, Physical Abuse, PTSD, Sexual Abuse | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Healing from Sexual Abuse – A Transformational Journey – Part 52

This getting myself put back together is kind of neat.  Woke up this morning feeling okay.  Worthy is growing.  Heart is getting stronger and sexuality is creating an aliveness and no not about sex.  About the body and all that.   A little sadness inside.  Off and on anxiety today.  Wonder what that is all about.  I feel relatively good so not sure what is up with that.  Been thinking a lot today about releasing expectations and outcomes related to me, to other people, and to events such as jobs.  I want to be able to do that but something inside keeps me locked in.  It is about security, knowing, planning, no surprises, always in control so always in a state of preparation.  Provides me security from an external perspective thus creating calm within.  Outside structure provides internal calmness.  That is what it is.  So perhaps the answer is in creating calm and security and peace within thus eliminating the need for the external.  Hmm.  That is a head understanding of it all.  Heart needs to get it.  Maybe that is the anxiety today.  I’ve been experimenting releasing expectations and outcome.

It sort of just hit me if I let go of outcomes I might miss something that is supposed to come my way.  If I have all of these outcomes and expectations, maybe I will hit one like the lottery.  What if I just let everything be and just move through life trusting that all is well and all good comes my way?  Not me.  So the underlying issue then is trust.  Trust that all that comes my way is for my own good.  I guess I don’t trust that.  I see in my mind how I think things should be or should happen.  They make perfect sense to me and are very logical.  What about goals?  How are goals different from expectations or outcomes?

Spirit Dad:  You have a lot of things floating in your head.  How about see what is floating in your heart.

Me:  I guess this seems like a head issue to me.  Planning and preparation.  Your lessons to me.  Always be prepared.  Always watch for what is around the corner.  Anticipate all possibilities .

Spirit Dad:  You’ve done that all your life.  Isn’t it a lot of work for you?

Me:  Yes it is a lot of work, but very much a part of who I am.

Spirit Dad:  Is it or is it something I put on you?

Me:  I don’t know that answer.

Spirit Dad:  Go inside of your heart and find the answer.  Find out who you are.

Me:  You know.  What is wrong with expectations?  Isn’t manifesting the same as expectations?

Spirit Dad:  Sometimes it is.  It really is how you use the word expectations.

Me:  Semantics?

Spirit Dad:  If you have an expectation of making a lot of money that is an expectation that is positive and manifesting.  If you have an expectation of yourself being perfect, then that expectation is limiting.  You have to watch out how you use expectations.  An expectation not tied to an outcome is okay.

Me:  When manifesting the expectation is tied to an outcome.  Otherwise why manifest.

Spirit Dad:  Look within your heart for the answers.  You have your heart now.  What does it tell you?

Me:  This is annoying me!

Spirit Dad:  Is it fearful to you?

Me:  I think so.

Spirit Dad:  What is fearful?

Me:  The unknown I think.  I guess when I am trying to use my head for a process then there probably is fear involved.

Spirit Dad:  Yes that is true.  What scares you?

Me:  The unknown.  Missing something I’m supposed to see.  Not getting something I am supposed to get.

Spirit Dad:  You have nothing more to fear from the unknown.  The fear arose from the abuse and never knowing what was going to come around the corner.   You don’t have to live with that fear anymore.  That part of your life is gone.  You can live in peace.

Me:  I don’t trust peace.  I don’t trust calm.  I don’t trust the outcome.

Spirit Dad:  Whatever outcome is supposed to happen will happen.  If you are locked in an outcome what if you don’t get your best.  If you are looking at your living arrangements and you think where you are living is the only place for you to live and you stay and are not open, you might miss a better place for you to live that suits you more than this place and is newer and cleaner and brighter.  If you lock on to one person to love you and are not open, you might miss the perfect partner for you who can love you and honor you in all the ways that are perfect for you.

Me:  So why have goals then?  Let’s look at when people go to school.  They focus on a major in school as a goal and spend all their money, years and energy achieving that major.  What if it isn’t the major they were supposed to have?  Using your logic, then nobody should declare a major in college.  They should be open.  It does not make logical sense to me.  You always told me to have a goal, to have a plan and then stick with it.  One of your issues with me is that I would change my mind about my goals and plans and you felt I lacked commitment.

Spirit Dad:  In human form that is true.  You were changing your mind to keep you from achieving your goals.  It was all subconscious.  You believed you weren’t supposed to have anything good for yourself.  Perhaps holding onto outcomes allows you to feel good about yourself and if it changes you feel bad about yourself.  Maybe this is a change for you.

Me:  Security is important to me even if I give the illusion of no commitment.  I’ve moved a lot because staying in one place was too hard and I needed change to avoid dealing with myself.  My job history is about security.

Spirit Dad:  Security comes from within.  Security is knowing that all that comes your way is for your own good.  All the external can be stripped away and you maintain that stability and centeredness inside.  It is a heart issue and not a head issue.

Me:  I don’t understand.  I just don’t get it.

Spirit Dad:  Because you don’t want to get it because you are afraid of letting go of the external holds you have.  Letting go opens so many doors for you.  Letting go allows you to rest and experience every moment of every day.  When you hold on so tight you might miss what the moment has for you.

Me:  Letting go means trusting.

Spirit Dad:  Yes.

Me:  I want to let go and trust.  Just not there.  I am some, but that final hold on me is still there.  It is similar to the heart missing.

Spirit Dad:  How do you find your ability to trust?

Me:  I don’t know.  I know that we are born into this life fully trusting yet there was nothing about my life that nurtured trust.  What got nurtured was being prepared, being in control, watching carefully.

Spirit Dad:  Then you need to find that trust and reconnect with it.

Me:  How?

Spirit Dad:  Mary, you’ve done this for well over two months and you are asking how?  That is a cop out.

Me:  I know.  The tiredness is sweeping over me so I must be ready to seek trust.  I just don’t know how.  God?

God:  I am here with you.  Seeking trust is a very important reconnection for you.

Me:  It doesn’t seem like a part or an energy or a physical connection.

God:  Because you are viewing it from your head.  You feel afraid and have moved into your head to control the fear.

Me:  I feel very afraid and why?  Trust?  Doesn’t make logical sense.

God:  Mary, close your eyes and feel your heart.  Let your heart speak and not your mind.  Let whatever comes come.

Me:  I am experiencing a native American male spirit.  His hair is braided on each side like pony tails.  He has beads.  His face is dark in color and he is older.  One feather is behind his head.  Why am I getting this?

God:  Don’t analyze.  Just go with it.  What are you feeling?

Me:  I feel he has an important message for me.  I don’t know him though.  I feel his strength and his wisdom.  He Is sending me peace.  I feel his peace.   I am breathing him in throughout me.  I am in awe of him.  Powerful.  Breathing power into me.  Power of the wolf.  Awareness-Agility of the black panther, wisdom of the owl.  Study their lessons.  All of which is in me and all that I know shall be brought forth in the right moment not before or after.  Trust in what you know inside.  Trust your intuition.  Trust your wisdom.  Trust your senses.  Live beyond your mind.  You are all of consciousness.  You are the manifestation of the universe.  You are creator and createee.  All is one and one is all.  Breathe in all of the universe.  Be the expression of the spirits words.  Open to receive all teachings, all wisdom.  Seek to live beyond what you see.  Know the creator is in you and trust the creation within.  The moon and the sun teach as all of nature.  Study the relationship between the sun and the moon.  You’ve come full circle.  Listen to the teachings of the elders, of those gone before you.  Strength and courage, acceptance with joy, teach that all is.  I am pleased with you.  Walk tall.  Live fearlessly and with intention.  Speak truth.  Hide from no one = most importantly do not hide from yourself.  Your days are numbered walk with intent.  They will seek you.  Walk tall.  Trust in what is.  Seek truth.  Be truth.  Live truth.  Live in the heart.  Heart is truth.  Heart is the real knowledge.  Allow the energy to flow through you out to the universe.

Me:  Wow.  What was that?

God:  Spirit guide teaching.

Me:  Why a spirit guide and not you?

God:  Messages come from many sources.  All are creation.  All is God.  What did you receive?

Me:  I received it all but why?

God:  Mary, a gift.  Answers to trust and outcomes.  Accept the teaching.  Let go of the analyzing.

Me:  Okay.  So I need to understand the message.

God:  Yes.  The truth you seek is in the messages.  You are gifted.  Who you were at birth was taken from you.  Your birthright gone.

Me:  Okay.  I am really in unfamiliar territory here.

God:  You will understand as you learn from the message you received tonight.  It is important for you to reclaim your full birthright.  You already have received some of it.

Me:  What is the birthright?

God:  It is the you at birth.  Perceptive, intuitive, trusting, connected to spirits, wise, truth, purity.

Me:  Okay.  Is this like finding the other parts.

God:  It is a bit different.  We are going to spirit.

Me:  Okay.  I am a bit confused.  A bit nervous and want to stop.

God:  Nothing to fear.  Reconnecting you with your birthright – birth spirit.

Me:  Did I lose it over the years or what?

God:  No.

Me:  God.  This feels strange and different to me.

God:  You will be reconnecting with trust, truth, spiritual knowledge, spiritual abilities, wisdom, intuition, knowing, that were disconnected shortly after incarnation.

Me:  Okay,  I feel awkward.

God:  Because you are experiencing it from your head because you fear the unknown.  Go to your heart and experience this from your heart.  What do you find?

Me:  Peace.  A knowing.  Rightness.

God:  The heart is where true knowledge resides.  Your Indian spirit guide tonight gave you information about wolf, black panther, owl, sun and moon for you to learn and understand about who you are and your gifts.  You already know this through your heart.  Through this writing you are becoming more and more familiar with your abilities.  Abilities that not everyone has with communicating with the spirit realm and moving in and out.  Why is Chuck energetically, physically present when you are open to that?

Me:  I’m scared.

God:  Nothing to fear.  When you fear you won’t learn and won’t listen.  You were close to this knowledge periodically throughout your life.  Remember speaking with spirits at the cemeteries?

Me:  I thought I was just crazy.

God:  No.  You sensed them and their lives.

Me:  For what purpose.

God:  You are present with them and sometimes that is enough.  You are learning to be more receptive to the messages and to the presences.  You’ve helped people over the years hear a message from their loved one who has passed – a sensitivity that helped them move on through their grief process.  You have an understanding now about lessons and journeys are predetermined.

Me:  I guess that part of me still doesn’t trust this process like it is all in my head.

God:  Do you think that all of this could be in “your head”.  Do you think other people do this?

Me:  I don’t know.

God:  Let the heart speak.  The heart knows.  Listen to the heart.  Trust the heart.

Me:  Okay.  Why are we doing this now?

God:  Trust.  Trusting yourself.  Trusting all creation.  Trusting the universe.  Letting go and letting be.  Releasing control and living fearlessly.  Loving all of you even that which you have yet to accept and understand.

Me:  Okay.

God:  Close your eyes Mary and breathe and relax.  Follow the beam of light.  Where does it take you?

Me:  To pure light energy.

God:  Your spirit.

Me:  Wow.  It is pure light.  Pure energy.  Beautiful.  Not contained.  Free floating.  Alive.  Powerful yet gentle.  Aware of all that is.  I sense its warmth and love.  Wisdom.  Knowledge.  All knowing.  Truth. Trusting.  Intuitive.  Sensitive.  Strong.  Fearless.

God:  That is your spirit Mary.  It is you as you entered into this lifetime.

Me:  It got buried and separated.

God:  Yes.  Protected.  Necessary.  Nothing can harm the spirit.  You are ready now for the fullness of your spirit to be reconnected with all of you.   Are you ready to accept the fullness of who you are?

Me:  I guess so.  I don’t understand because of course spirit is already in me or I wouldn’t be so why are we doing this?

God:  Are you ready to accept the fullness of who you are?

Me:  I don’t understand.

God:  Are you willing to accept all your gifts, your wisdom, your knowledge, your truth, your intuition, your trust, your fearlessness, your power, your awareness?

Me:  Yes.  Yes I am.

God:  Then breathe in the fullness of your spirit.  Allow it to penetrate through you into the blood into the heart flowing through all of you giving you light energy, truth, wisdom, knowledge, intuition, trust and much more.  It is this spirit that provides you life and sustains you.  You grow in trust and knowledge and intuition and love and truth and wisdom.  Spirit connects all of you within you.  You are all one.

Me:  I am experiencing my spirit.  It warms me.  It feels pure and innocent.  Peaceful.  Divine.  Strong.

God:  That is spirit – your spirit.  That which joins you to all spirits in the earthly realm and spirit realm.

Me:  This is okay right?

God:  You know it is.  You have confidence in your knowing.  Study the wolf, the black panther, the owl and the relationship among all to and with the moon and the sun.

Me:  I will.  I feel so full and centered.

God:  Good.

Me:  I have to stay faithful to my own truth even though I don’t always understand it like tonight.  I am so tired.

God:  Trust and stand in your truth and it will make sense.  Rest now.

Posted in Emotional Abuse, Loving Self, Physical Abuse, Sexual Abuse, Transformation | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Healing from Sexual Abuse – A Transformational Journey – Part 51

I woke up feeling fairly good today.  Something inside is brewing.  Not sure what it is.  But Worthy and Heart are melding together just fine and holding up.  Had a little insecurity this morning and it passed.  I am okay.  I am not sure where to go about now.

Spirit Dad:  That was amazing last night that you saw loyalty for what it was and trusted yourself to not input it in your heart or meadow.

Me:  I never wavered before and that was different.  I always knew what to do and I didn’t with loyalty.

Spirit Dad:  You can trust yourself and your intuitions.  They are good.

Me:  You know I’m letting go of the human father.  Little by little.  You have been dead for many, many, many years and I don’t believe I ever let go of you because I was so enmeshed and tied into you.  It isn’t a horribly sorrowful experience since I found my heart and Worthy.  I took myself back.  I’m not sure there are any more places connected with you.  Oh, I just heard in my head that I need to take my sexuality back from you.  Wow.  I don’t even want to discuss this with you.

Spirit Dad:  It is true.  You do need to take your sexuality back and claim it as your own.  You’ve never had it as your own and never experienced your healthy sexuality.  It is more than sex.  It is being comfortable with your sensuality, your body, your sense of being female, of being vulnerable.  It is an important part for you to rescue.

Me:  I guess.  I’m not sure I can do there with you or even how to do this.  I am even uncomfortable talking about my sexuality let alone finding it and rescuing it.

Spirit Dad:  That makes perfect sense.  That was damaged in yourself.  You were abused by it by me and other powerful men, by people you chose to connect with later in your life, your husband.  You used sex as a way to connect and disconnect.  You used it as a way to not have to feel emotions and even as a way to avoid intimacy.  You used it to hurt yourself.

Me:  You are right.  It isn’t something that interests me much for all the reasons above.  I am not sure how it would be to have a relationship with a loving and caring partner where sex is an expression of intimacy and not the reason for intimacy.  Really, in the past, if I have a sexual relationship with someone than it is time for them to go.  They can’t stay in my life.  I would like to move past that even though at this stage of my life even if there may not be a relationship that involves sex.  I still want to heal that part of me and heal my sexuality to be a whole and complete person – woman.  I would like to feel sexy and comfortable with that.  I would like to feel vulnerable enough to enjoy an adult, healthy relationship.  I don’t want to use sex to avoid emotions or intimacy or to connect or disconnect.  I want my sexuality back like I wanted my heart.  Wow.  That is a strong want.  I want to take it back from you.

Spirit Dad:  Good.  What needs to happen.

Me:  I don’t know.  I want God here.

God:  I am here Mary.  It is very courageous of you to want to go after your sexuality.  So many people don’t see the value of their sexuality and that it is an integral part of who they are created to be.  It is a sacred part of everyone’s life.  In you it was violated and stolen.  It is a core part of who people are although they don’t always recognize that in themselves.  Sexuality – involving sensuality, sex, gender – defines so much of who humans are in conjunction with the heart, the soul, the mind.  When it is damaged and missing, it detracts from the whole just like if the heart or soul were missing.

Me:  I never thought about it much.  I feel embarrassed to talk about it.  I am clearly not comfortable with all of this and want to change the subject.

God:  Typical of humans to want to avoid it.  You have always avoided it.  It has always represented pain, hurt, rejection, abuse, abandonment, distraction.  You feel a lot of shame around it.

Me:  Part of me really feels dirty when it comes to sex or sexuality.  Wrong somehow.

God:  Your body betrayed you, didn’t it?

Me:  I don’t know what you mean.

God:  Yes you do.  This is hard for you, but important.  Even though it was abusive and painful, the body responded against your will.  Part of it felt good to the body.  That is normal.  For you it was in a couple of ways.  The physical stimulation created sexual feelings in your body and it was also a way to have physical contact with another human being which did not happen other than sexual contact.

Me:  Please don’t talk about this.  Please.

God:  It is okay Mary.  There is nothing to be ashamed about.  If you can face this, you can understand it and it is a step to healing your sexuality.  The body has certain physical mechanisms that feel good when they are touched.

Me:  I didn’t like him touching me that way.  I didn’t.

God:  I know you didn’t.  Your body betrayed you.

Me:  I don’t want to talk about this.

God:  It is important for your healing.  It is important to take your sexuality back.  In order to do that you need to look honestly at all parts of it.

Me:  I didn’t surrender my body.

God:  No you didn’t.  You held on to that part of yourself.

Me:  I always do.  No man can take that from me.

God:  Yes, I know.  Do you want to be able to surrender?

Me:  Maybe.  It is a little late in my life for that.  I guess I would like that choice, though.

God:  Then you have to be willing to look at this part of your life and take it back like you did the heart.  It is no less valuable and important than the Heart or Worthy.  It is an integral and central part of who you are.

Me:  Okay then.

God:  Sexuality involves more than sex.  It is also about how you feel about yourself as a woman – how you feel about your body.

Me:  I am a woman.  I know I hated that for many years believing if I weren’t female this wouldn’t happen.

God:  You blamed your sexuality for the abuse like you blamed money, control, and power.  You didn’t see your father as the perpetrator.

Me:  I guess that is true.

God:  Where are you in accepting your femaleness?

Me:  I am better about it.  I dress better now – not great all the time.  I am not always trying to hide my breasts under big shirts and stuff.  I do hide it in a lot of fat.

God:  You have shame about your body?

Me:  I guess I do.  Not as much as I used to.

God:  Your body did nothing wrong.  It was violated.  You’ve punished your body for something it wasn’t responsible for.

Me:  I was tired of being hurt and I thought the body and I were responsible for it so it was important that the body become distorted.

God:  Your body did nothing wrong.  It was the people who abused you that were wrong.  Your body was innocent like your heart.  They took it and hurt it and violated it.  You were victimized.  There is no need to feel shame or to distort it.  You are beautiful and that beauty needs to shine.

Me:  I know my body was violated.  I don’t feel beautiful.  The body doesn’t define me.  My soul does.

God:  I know this is going to be a new concept for you but the body and the soul are one with the Heart and Worthy.  It is all of who you are and therefore all of it defines you.  If one part of you is out of balance, so is all of you.  Look at when heart was missing and Worthy was missing.  There was no balance.  Do you notice how different you are with them as part of you?

Me:  I do notice that.  It has been huge.

God:  So it will be when you find your sexuality and bring it home.  It will change you.

Me:  I was doing good releasing weight until this whole process got started and the vulnerability and memories have been so present, I find I don’t take as good of care of my body.  I either over eat or starve it.  It has been hard to find that balance.

God:  If your sexuality is healed and intact, you will find it easier to care for your body in healthy ways.  Sex will become for you an expression of love and caring rather than a way to connect or disconnect.  You will find within you in balance with the heart and worthy the desire to surrender.  Let’s talk about what you learned about your body – your sexuality from your mother and father.

Me:  I was taught that my body belonged to everybody but not to me.  I was taught it had no rights.  I learned I could use my body in such a way to engage or disengage.  I learned my value was in my body and my sexuality.  My mother taught me to feel ashamed.  She was always putting the body down calling it fat and ugly even when it wasn’t that fat.  She would look at me with disgusting eyes.  She never talked sex or anything female.  When I got my first period, she took me for a ride in the car and told me I could never play games with the boys again.  She taught me that being female meant submitting to a man and being different than I felt.  It was in how I walked, talked, carried my books.  I wasn’t ever to win at a game that involved boys.  I was to let them win so they would feel good about themselves even if I were better.

God:  There are a lot of messages there for you.  A lot of programming.  You still let the “boys” win and look good don’t you?

Me:  Yes and I hate it.  That is part of why this whole value thing at work drives me crazy.  I am as good if not better than them and I do not get the same recognition.  I have to hold back and let people think they are the “man” and should be idolized for that and I resent it just like I did growing up.

God:  Yes.  To you, you learned that being female meant being less than.

Me:  Yup.  Still does in a way, but less of a way.

God:  Your mother was obsessed with your body.

Me:  She was.  Even the father said so a few years before he died.  It is weird don’t you think?  What difference did it make to her?  I was too fat or too skinny.  She chose exactly what I would wear and how to wear it no matter how ugly I looked.  She did my hair and it looked horrible.  The mixed messages “Why are you eating those cookies – you are such a fatty” or if I didn’t eat the damn cookies it was “why aren’t you eating my cookies – what is wrong with them?”  There was no pleasing them.

God:  What else Mary.

Me:  Nothing else.

God:  What else?  Important to talk about it.

Me:  No.

God:  There is no shame in it.

Me:  It was like she prepared me for the father.  Cleaning me up for him.  Cleaning my private areas.

God:  How did that feel?

Me:  I hated her touching me there.  I felt ashamed and dirty.

God:  Did you ever tell her.

Me:  I tried to pull away from her, but she would get angry and you know what that would mean.

God:  Your mother and father controlled your body, your sexuality.

Me:  Guess they did.  It certainly wasn’t mine.  That is fairly evident.

God:  Do you want your sexuality back?

Me:  I don’t want the damage back.  If it is damaged I just as soon it went to the meadow to heal before coming back to me.

God:  Your sexuality is like the heart and Worthy.  It has been hurt, but it remains pure and just has to grow up with the rest of you.  It was taken over by others.  Do you want it back?

Me:  Yes I do.  I am really tired.

God:  You always gets really tired when processing deeply.  It is a way for you to avoid dealing with this.  It is important now to take care of this.

Me:  Ok.

God:  Close your eyes.   I want you to look for your sexuality.  Let me know when you find it and what is going on.

Me:  I found it.  What I found was it being wrapped up like a mummy.  This part is completely wrapped up in gauze like a mummy.  There is nothing about this part that is showing.

God:  where is the part?

Me:  It is in a dark, musty basement stuck behind old boxes.  There are moth balls and rats.  It is really disgusting.

God:  Do you want your sexuality to remain there or would you like to rescue her.

Me:  I am curious as to why I would find her here.  I thought I might find her connected to her father.

God:  Why?

Me:  Because he took the sexuality away from me.

God:  Perhaps his taking it away it went away and hid so as not to be blemished.

Me:  This is a little weird for me.  How could it be removed and put away somewhere else.

God:  Just like Worthy was left in an attic.

Me:  Okay then.

God:  What do you want to do?

Me:  I want to take her out of the basement and bring her outside into the sunlight.  It means walking through rats and that is yucky.  The rats aren’t hurting her, but they are accustomed to having here there protecting her.

God:  Protecting her or controlling her?  Sometimes you get those two concepts mixed up.

Me:  I guess control.  She belongs to them and they don’t want her gone.  How am I going to walk in there and take care.  Rats.  Yuck.

God:  I will go with you and light the way.  You have your heart and your worthy and you are courageous.  The rats don’t stand a chance against you.

Me:  Okay then.

God lights the way going before me.  I walk behind God showing more bravado than I feel.  It smells horrible down here.

God:  Stay present Mary.  I feel you disconnecting.

Me:  It smells horrible here and the feces and must.  I want to throw up.

God:  Keep moving forward.  It tells you how important it is to find this part of yourself.

Me:  Okay.  I am within reach of her.  She is wrapped up in all this gauze like a mummy cocoon.

God:  Do you want to lift her up and take her outside?

Me:  I do want to do that.  I am feeling protective of her.

I pick her up and cradle her in my arms.  I take her up the stairs.  The rats are protesting.  I can hear them.  I won’t feel fearful.  I won’t.  I get her outside and hold her.  I wonder if she is alive?  I feel a little movement.

God:  Are you ready to unravel her.

Me:  I am a little nervous about it .

God:  No surprise.  You do it in your own time.

I know I am going to unravel her.  I just want to hold her gently and quietly in my arms.  The heart is sending her love and Worthy is sending her value.  Wow.  They are one.  I proceed to gently unravel her from the cocoon of gauze.  As I unravel her I see a beauty.  I see a strength.  I see a female part.  She is adorable.  Adorable?  Strange to say about sexuality.

God:  She is adorable.  Remember she was taken as a very small child.  Adorable would describe your sexuality.

Me:  It is energy and light.  I sense relief from her.  She doesn’t speak.  Her eyes say everything.

Me:  Little one you are safe.  I found you.  After a lifetime away I found you.  I want you.  I want you to be part of me.  Part of the heart and worthy.  I love you and value you.  You don’t belong to the father or to the mother or to anybody else who used you.  You belong to me.  Only me.  You are an important part of me.  I want you to stay with me.  Will you do that?

She doesn’t speak but I feel a question from her.  She is concerned whether I will protect her or not?

Me:  I will protect you and honor you and allow you to live within me in whatever form that takes.  You are safe with me.  All the abuse is over with.  The mother and the father are dead.  The other bad men are gone.  I am all grown up and can take good care of you.  I love you and you are a valuable part of me.  I want you to stay with me.  Will you?

He part slowly nods her head.  She is so young.  I pick her up and hold her close to me, close to the heart where love pours out into and surrounds her and cushions her.

God:  Are you ready to accept and honor your sexuality?

Me:  I am.

God:  Will you value your sexuality and all part of her?

Me:  I do value here fully and completely.  I welcome all of her.

God:  Will you take care of her, of the body nurturing it as you would the heart and the soul?

Me:  I will.

God:  You will feed it healthfully and allow whatever it needs for expression?

Me:  I will.

God:  You will keep her safe not using her to connect or disconnect from any man?

Me:  I promise.  That is the past and now today is a new beginning.  I want my sexuality part within me and I will take good care of her.

God:  When you are ready, open up and allow her to ease within you.  Feel her becoming one with you.  The joining together of the heart, the soul, Worthy, sexuality all becoming one within you creating joy, peace, acceptance, love.

Me:  I take her in.  Her energy spreads throughout all of my body no part missing.  The body is alive and one with itself.  I feel every cell coming alive  – fully alive.  I sense a different energy.  A wholeness.  Unique.  I feel beautiful and confident.  I am who I am – one within and throughout.

God:  It feels good to be reunited with your sexuality.  Never again will you have to give away yourself to another.  Relationships will take on different meanings.  You will have all that you want.

Me:  Thank you God.

God:  You are magnificent.  You did a great job taking sexuality back.  I know it was a little embarrassing for you, but you overcame it with the strength and courage that you are known by.  Great job.

Me:  I feel whole.  Do you feel me being whole?

God:  I do.

Me:  I feel my body alive and lots of sensations.

God:  Good.  It is good to have a body fully alive.  It is important for you to care and nurture your body, your sexuality, your heart, your soul, Worthy.  Important to keep them all centered and in balance.

Me:  I will.  I am tired now and ready to sleep.

God:  Rest well.  You’ve done good.  We are all proud of you.

Posted in Emotional Abuse, Loving Self, Physical Abuse, Sexual Abuse, Transformation | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Healing from Sexual Abuse – A Transformational Journey – Part 50

Notes from today:  As I read this excerpt from 3 years ago, I am once again reminded that healing is a choice and healing is done in layers.  Each layer needs to be explored and healed so another layer can open and clearing the soul takes place.  Transformation is a process.  Many of us would like it instantaneous.  Birthing takes time.  I am grateful for the time to heal.  The process is lifelong and I no longer seek a conclusion.  I seek to see within any shadows or hurts that I need to explore to heal.  Thank you for reading.

The night was as short as the rest, but what a great wake up this morning.  I looked in the mirror and I looked different.  I felt different.  I went to work and no one knows what is going on and they said I looked different more rested.  Todd kept trying to push my buttons and it had zero effect on me and I laughed.  I felt good all day.  I laughed.  Having my heart and having worthy in my heart is so amazing.  I feel and it isn’t just sadness and darkness.  I feel good and happy.  Happy today.  Sad for some things, but happy celebrating me – my heart – worthy.  Celebrating  disengaging from human dad.  My heart was so enmeshed with his decaying heart.  Now it is within me where it needs to be and where I want it.  It is a fresh and pure heart.  Innocent and trustworthy.  Strong heart.  Worthy coming into my heart is growing stronger and the two of them in union with one another is powerful.

Spirit Dad:  I am so proud of you.  How far you have come!

Me:  Thank you.  I am excited.  Before we start process, I have something very special to share with you and all the others.  Maybe you can tell Chuck’s dad, too.  Chuck’s book is being shipped and he just sold his first book.  That is so exciting!!  I am so proud of him.  He has come a long way.

Spirit Dad:  Congratulations Chuck.  Job well done.  You took a challenge you created and turned it around.  I am proud of you.  Your father is as well.  We celebrate you today Chuck.

Me:  I will let him respond, but I know his heart will grow because of everyone’s affirmations.  Thank you.  He is so amazing.  He has come so far.

Spirit Dad:  The both of you have.  You both have had incredible journeys .  I am glad you reconnected with each other.  You’ve always been so powerful and good together.  Trust that you both have a very deep abiding love for one another and you know each other’s hearts so well.  Enjoy that for all that it is.

Me:  I know.  We still are good together.  I trust his love more and more every day for me.  I found my heart and I am not willing to give it away so I am holding on to it and finding out all that it means to have a heart with worthy and to love myself.   I can’t wait until this process is done to truly my future.  I am speaking about a future.  Can you believe that!!!!  I don’t want to rush through it.  I want it to all be in the right timing fully and completely.

Spirit Dad:  It is moving in that direction.  You’ve done so much work and have come so far.  There is a bit more to go.  Trust yourself on the journey.  You will know when it is time.

Me:  I do trust myself.  All of a sudden I am very tired and exhausted.

Spirit Dad:  Ready to process.  You are feeling it.

Me:  Yes.  I believe that the most important thing I can do tonight is to remove Arm from any life source.  I disconnected Arm last night but left him there in case I want to know more from Arm.  Chuck had a good point and that is if there is more to know he, God or any of you spirits will let me know.  I don’t have to rely on Arm for anything and Arm is unhealthy for me.

Spirit Dad:  Chuck is right.  You no longer need Arm.  That part of your life is finished.  If you need to know something you will know it either through your own intuition or any of us supporting you.

Me:  I know.  You know though as I enter process, I feel a reluctance to let go of Arm.

Spirit Dad:  What is the reluctance?  Familiarity?

Me:  Maybe.  It has helped me so much even though it doesn’t look like it to the outside world.  Arm kept me in programs so I wouldn’t break free and hurt.  I know that is weird to some to view that as protection, but it was.  I just outgrew it and don’t need it anymore.

Spirit Dad:  That is right.  It has been one of your companions on your journey.

Me:  If the external world became scary and threatening, Arm would pull me back in the cave and keep me safe from the external world.  It was my only protection in a way.

Spirit Dad:  It no longer works for you because you have been ready to be out of the cave for quite a while now.

Me:  I know.  I just didn’t know how to do it and then I found my heart and Worthy and I am okay being out of the cave now.  I may want to go back in time to time but I want it to be my choice not anybody else’s choice.

Spirit Dad:  As it should be.

Me:  Arm was an extension of you and mother in human form.  It held the programs and the controls.  It pretty much was attached to you and to me and it worked so well.  It pulled me back if I were going to talk.  It led me to believe that people were out to hurt me.   It ensured I trusted nobody but it and the programs.  Amazing that my trust is in those who abuse me and not in the people who love me and don’t want to hurt me.  I tend to disconnect from or think I need to disconnect from those who are good for me such as Chuck.  How often I’ve tried to push him away and disconnect from him.  He has got the absolute patience of Job!!!  I am glad he didn’t allow it to happen.  What needed to happen was for me to disconnect from human mother and father, abuse, programs, negativity, fear.  Yet, I kept embracing all of you as if you were my best friends.  Amazing.

Spirit Dad:  They’ve been with you from in the womb until recently even though you’ve done so much therapy/work to disconnect.  That was the groundwork to enable you to move through this process.  The abuse is behind you.

Me:  Arm was such a big part of that.  It was like you in human form was the Arm.  Letting go of the arm is like letting go of human dad some more.  More separation from you last night but still separation.  That is a little sad for me I guess.  I know I have you in Spirit which really is much better than the Arm.  It just is letting go.

Spirit Dad:  It isn’t the same anymore.  We both changed.  Me in my death and you in your growth while alive which is something that wasn’t to happen for me.  We are different.  You kept me alive, us alive, by staying connected to all of it.  It was created in the womb and now you are creating a different life for yourself.  YOU are doing it.   Letting go is a process.

Me:  I know it is time to say goodbye.  Like the lyrics in Circle Dance, I’ve been too faithful and time to let you go.  I have been faithful to you as bizarre as that might seem.  It is time to be faithful to me, my present life and my future.  I can’t change the past.   I can only understand it and move past it to my present and my future.  The past is so important to me as it has been my teacher.  It has been an important part of my journey to create the experience I asked for during this lifetime.  I need to let go of go of the Arm as a process to letting go of the human dad and all the human experiences I received.

Spirit Dad:  We are all here with you.

Me:  It is all behind me.  The first part of my journey is done.  This is the final part of my journey.

I walk to the cave and it is dark.  I know Arm is disconnected from its power source but it still seems overwhelming.  Am I really ready to let go and never hear what it has to tell me?  God, are you with me?

God:  I am here.  Would you like to shine light into the cave?

Me:  Yes.  It seems less foreboding when there is light.  Bringing darkness into the light is much less foreboding.

God’s light is shining in the cave.  I see the lifeless form of Arm.  Without its power source it really is only an amputated arm.  Almost amputated.  I still see a tendril attached to the cave.  It is huge.  Even having the power source disconnected it still is sticking on the wall with its tentacles.  Yes, I need to release the tentacle and take it out of the cage.

Me:  Arm.  I know you can hear me but you can’t speak to me.  I prefer it that way.  It is important I don’t hear you speak anymore.  Thank you for your protection of me through programs.  It stopped being protective a long time ago.  It just became an extension of the abuse.  You kept me a prisoner for so long.  I am free now.  I disconnected you from your power source.  I will release the tentacle tonight and it is finished.  No more imprisonment from you.  Only freedom.  The mother and the father are dead now.  There is no more need for your existence.  No more need for me.  It is finished and you are finished.    I am releasing you tonight to no more be part of my life.  You are part of the mother and the father in human form and you no longer have power.

I feel so tired.  So very tired.

God:  Process.  You are in process.  Keep going.

Me:  Arm, your programs hurt me keep me apart from people who love me.  You led me to believe that those who truly were good for me and or they needed to be disconnected. You led me to believe that those who were bad for me were good for me.  Wrong seemed right and right seemed wrong.  You are not me and I am not you.  You are not part of me so therefore I can remove you and let you be.

God:  Are you ready to release the tentacle.

Me:  Oh yes.  I have my handy dandy magical knife and I slice through the tentacle completely disengaging it from the suction part of the tentacle and the wall.  Arm is now completed disconnected and I want it out of the cave.  I want it out of me.  There is no more room in me for Arm.  I am free.  I am free.  I am free.

I thought I might need help taking Arm out but I reach out and pick up Arm and it shrinks.  Without the power source, it is not powerful.  It is nothing.  I carry it out of my cave and take it to a clearing in the woods and lay it down.  There is no life in the Arm.  There is, however, life in me.  Power in me.  I leave it there not paying it any more attention.  I turn by back and walk to the cave which is empty now.  It is ready for me to take residence but it needs some work.  I look on the walls and notice the programs written.  I am not interested in reading the programs.  They are not healthy for me and serve no purpose.  I take a pressure washer and start cleaning the walls of the cave and it easily erases the programs from the walls so I don’t have to look at them all the time.  I wonder if I am supposed to take up residence in the cave?

God:  That is a good question.  If you take up residence in the cave, are you not just living a program that keeps you hidden?

Me:  I am not sure.  I don’t need to be in the cave anymore but I like the security of the cave should I need to be there.  If I paint it and clean it up, it will be a healthier cave.

God:  There is always time to retreat.  The cave, for you, goes beyond retreat and to keeping you hidden.  The cave itself is part of your program.

Me:   Wow.  I didn’t know that.  The cave is comfortable for me and much better with Arm gone.  The cave protects me and provides me shelter when it gets rough on the outside.  Wow.  Indeed the cave is part of the program – part of the past.  What will I do without the cave?

I am beginning to feel a little panicky like I am going to lose my protection and shelter.

God:  You don’t need the cave.  Retreating is always good when it is your choice and leads to a healthier you.  The cave represents repression, suppression, secrets, programs.

Me:  I feel it all as I sit in the cave.  Even pressure washing the walls doesn’t take away from the power and illusion of the cave.  The cave is part of the abuse.  Crap.

God:  It is okay Mary.  It served you well and provided you shelter during many storms.  Do you still think you need that shelter?  That cave?

Me:  I don’t.  It has been a house of horror for me.  There is no good thing that happened in the cave except to keep us from the outside even when I chose to be there and later when Arm forced us there.  The cave needs to go.

God:  How would you like to remove it.

Me:  I want to blow it up into shattered pieces that can never be put back together again.   I am done with the cave.  My heart and Worthy don’t need to be there.  It is a nightmare for Worthy to return there.  My heart and Worthy deserve much better than this cave.

God:  Is there a part of you that is still in this cave that you need to find before you blow it up?

Me:  Loyalty is here.  Loyalty is faithful to the Arm, to the cave to the human form of father and mother.

God:  Go find Loyalty.

I look into the different rooms of the cave.  There is loyalty trying to fix the machine to bring Arm back.

Me:  Loyalty, it Is me Mary.  You are completely alone in this room.

Loyalty:  Go away.  I am busy.

Me:  The Arm is gone – completely removed from the cave.  No matter what you do, Loyalty, Arm is not coming back.  There is no way.

Loyalty:  My job to keep the Arm alive.

Me:  The power of the Arm diminished as I grew stronger.  There is nothing you can do to help the Arm.  Do you really want to help the Arm?  The Arm was harmful for us?

Loyalty:  It just is my job.  I had to do it.  I was forced to take care of the Arm.

Me:  Who forced you?

Loyalty:   The parents.

Me:  They are dead now.  They can’t force you to do anything.  The abuse is over.  The Arm has been dismantled and I am getting ready to blow up the cave.  Loyalty, do you want to maintain faithfulness to the parents, to the abuse, to the pain, to the Arm or do you want to be free.  The choice is yours.

Loyalty:  I am not free.  Look at me.

When I looked I saw Loyalty’s feet chained to the floor and Loyalty could not move.

Me:  They forced you to stay.  They are all dead and you can be free.  If I free you, are you going to remain loyal to them.

Loyalty:  I didn’t choose them.  The made me.  Arm made me.  I’ve been here forever.  I had to protect the parents and the Arm.

Me:  Do you still want to protect them?  I have to know the answer Loyalty.

Loyalty:  I didn’t choose them.  I didn’t know there was anything different.

My sense is they kept loyalty locked in the room so Loyalty would know nothing different in life.  My dilemma within myself is to take her to the meadow or to put her in my heart with Worthy and create a heart of faithfulness to me.  I just am not sure what to do.

God:  Loyalty has some damage.

Me:  So did Worthy.  Worthy was locked in the attic for a lifetime and she is in my heart.

God:  Loyalty has been programmed to be faithful to your mother and father and the programs.  Are you sure you would want to put loyalty in your heart with Worthy?

Me:  I think it would be useful to my heart to have loyalty and faithfulness.

God:  I want you to look closely at Loyalty and is it as loyalty represents itself.  Look very closely.  What do you see?

I walk closer to loyalty.  I don’t have this feeling of safety or love for loyalty.  That is interesting to me.  As I come closer I see that Loyalty is plugged into the power source of the cave from the back.  I wasn’t able to see it initially.

Me:  Loyalty you are just an extension of the arm.  You almost had me believing  that you were part of me and should either go to the meadow or in my heart.  Both would be mistakes.

Loyalty:  I can be loyal to you.  Let me stay and I will show you.

Me:  No you can never be loyal to me.  You will destroy my heart and Worthy.  I don’t want you to stay.  I am going to disconnect you from the power source and take you and place you next to the Arm.  Then I will get rid of the cave.  There is nothing of value or goodness for me here.

I pull the plug on Loyalty breathing a sigh of relief that I didn’t rescue this illusion.  I shudder to think I almost put this loyalty in my heart.  I pick up loyalty and notice I is just an appendage of the arm.  I carry Loyalty out to the Arm and place it next to the Arm.

Me:  God.  I am ready to blow up this cave.  Do I need to be concerned about parts that really need to be rescued?

God:  What does your intuition say?  How does your heart feel?

Me:  My intuition says there is nothing more in there for me.  I rescued the best – Worthy last night and there is nothing more of value.  My heart and Worthy want it gone.

God:  Then by all means, blow it up and enjoy the experience.

I do into the cave, planting tons of dynamite in each room, each nook and cranny, each floorboard.  I then go outside.  I will detonate the dynamite without hiding and it will not harm me.  At that I pushed the button and the cave has exploded into millions and millions of tiny pieces.  The cave is gone.  There is nothing left of it.  No more harm to be done by it.  No more housing abuse or evil.

God:  Look Mary.  Look at what the dynamite opened?

I looked up and saw a crevice and there was water pouring out of the crevice.  The crevice gets wider and it is like a waterfall of water pouring down over the million pieces of rocks of the cave.  It is absolutely beautiful and the sound of the falls pounding on the pieces is peaceful.  It is finished.

God:  How do you feel?

Me:  I feel so tired.  I feel this sense of relief that it is gone.  The house of horrors is gone and I am free and I live.  I also wonder where I will go if I need to retreat – not hide – just to retreat.

God:  Look at where the cave is.  What do you see?

Me:  I see this beautiful waterfall flowing down over the rocks purifying the rocks washing away any remnants.  There are beautiful wildflowers beginning to grow all around it and a beautiful patch of grass.  There is radiant sunlight and peace.  Is it safe to retreat here?

God:  It is safe because the house of horrors has been transformed and purified by water.  This is not a place of darkness and never will be.  The sun shines all of the time.  It is a place for you to retreat and to reflect and to grow.  It does not hide you nor can you hide here.  It only helps move you towards life.  So yes, it is safe to retreat here.

Me:  it is beautiful.  Thank you.

God:  You’ve done the work.  That is courageous of you to disconnect Arm and Loyalty and blow up that place.  Wow!

Me:  I had all of you with me.  No more Arm.  No more cave.  No more abuse.  I am free and the heart and Worthy can grow freely without fear.

God:  That is right.  The heart is innocent and pure and safe from harm.  Nurture and love your heart and Worthy.  Great job Mary.  I am proud of you.

Me:  Thank you God.  Thank you for this journey and the process and healing and life.  Thank you.  Now I am so very tired.  I have to sleep.

God:  Go and rest.  We have the weekend.

Posted in EMDR, Physical Abuse, Prison, PTSD, Sexual Abuse, Transformation | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Healing from Sexual Abuse – A Transformational Journey – Part 49

A short but long night.  A longer day.  It was hard seeing Chuck after sending that letter.  Tonight that seems eons ago because through him I found so much of what is going on with me.  Chuck talked about a part named Worthy locked away in the dark of an attic that needs to be rescued and put in the heart.  He is so right.  Then tonight I came to understand that my heart is still intertwined with human dad and I need to rescue it from him and put it in me.  Then I understood that my heart is looking for a new home outside of me.  Then I realized I seek to disconnect from those who love me rather than from the enmeshment with human dad and from the hand from the cave trying to strangle life out of me and keep me from freedom.  Such a rich day and so painful.

Spirit Dad:  Wow.  That is a lot for the day.

Me:  In gratitude for Chuck for his pushing and loving.  Before I process, Chuck asked me to ask you about his father.  A while back you told him that you knew his father.  So he wants to know which one.

Spirit Dad:  Biological.  Chuck, he is wanting to connect with you.  Think about it.

Me:  Thank you dad.  I thought that is who, but I didn’t want to say for sure.

Spirit Dad:  How has it gone with Chuck?

Me:  I decided this morning to disconnect from him and just move him out of my life.  Feelings are way too confusing.

Spirit Dad:  I am sure that went over well with him!

Me:  Not so much.  You know he is my match in strength.

Spirit Dad:  In some ways.  He loves you deeply.  Just accept his love and allow the beauty of that.

Me:  It isn’t that easy.  The heart is missing.  I may have entered into the center of my heart but my heart is still chained and tied to you in human form.  I just realized that tonight.  The words if you cease to be, I cease to be.  Who am I without you?  I realize that because of all the abuse, power, control, mind control, programming, stripping away of any identity, that all I had was this umbilical cord to you and my heart is your heart – one heart – not separated.  You live, I live.  I want my heart.  I’ve never had my heart.  I’ve never separated from you even though you are dead.  With all the abuse all the boundaries were eliminated, all the lines of separation eliminated and I blended with you.  You took over me and I’ve never taken me back from you.  I’ve never released my heart from you.  I want my heart back.  It is my heart.

Spirit Dad:  Yes it is time for you to separate from the human dad.

God:  This is tough Mary.  Are you ready to proceed?

Me:  I am God.  I need to be surrounded in love tonight.  I need the Spirit Dads with me and I need Chuck with me.

God:  We are all here.  Are you sure you want Chuck?  You’ve not allowed him present in your home.

Me:  Is it okay if he is here?

God:  Only if it is okay with you.

Me:  Tonight I want him here.

God:  Good.

Me:  When I recognized tonight that my heart was all enmeshed and encased in my human father, I sensed and saw a very young part of me holding on to her daddy’s leg tight not wanting to let you.  Not wanting to be apart from him.  She is one with him.

God:  What do you want to do?

Me:  I want to rescue that part.

God:  Take her where?

Me:  I want to take her to the meadow.

God:  We are with you.

I am not sure what to do.  She doesn’t acknowledge me as she is so clingy to the father.  She is holding on so tight and she is so scared of being left.  She is almost glued to him.  I need to know her name.  I sit here and wait for her to reveal herself.  Lynnie.  Lynnie is her name.

Me:  Lynnie.  It is me grown up Mary.

There is no response.

Me:  Lynnie, I know you believe you are part of the dad.  You really are part of me and not of the dad.  You are part of me and I want you back.

She holds on tighter to the dad.

Me:  Lynnie.  I am all grown up now.  There is no more need to hold onto him.  I want you back.  I want you come with me.  You are part of me.  Not of him.

Lynnie:  No.

Me:  Lynnie, the father is dead and is in spirit now.  There is no more need to hold on.  It is time to let go of him.

Lynnie:  No. he’s not dead.

Me:  Lynnie, he is dead.  His heart is no longer.  It is time to let go and come with me and be part of life, not death.

Lynnie:  Hess my dad.  I belong to him.

Me:  No Lynnie.  You don’t belong to him.  That is a lie that he told you.  You are not him and he is not you.  You are separate from him.  You are a part of me.  Lynnie, I love you.  I found you tonight.  I would have come sooner had I known you were here.  I came as soon as I knew.  You are very important to me and a very important part of my life.  He is dead.  The abuse is over and you are free to let go.

Lynnie:  I will die if I let go.

Me:  You will live if you let go.  You will experience freedom and peace and joy.  No more being scared and alone wondering when the next love will come.  He is dead.  Come with me.

I think I see her loosening a grip on his leg.  She is thinking.

Me:  Lynnie, there are a lot of parts in the meadow that I’ve come and rescued.  They are with amber.  Some were scared to go there and they did and now they are so happy.  In the meadow, there is no pain, no sadness, no death – only light and life.

Lynnie:  I can’t leave him.  I need him and he needs me.

Me:  Lynnie, he is dead and doesn’t need you anymore.  You don’t need him.  That isn’t living.  You need to be alive and safe and happy.  Please come with me.  I want you Lynnie.  I want you to let go of him and come with me and I promise you safety, belonging in the meadow.  I love you.

Lynnie:  What happens to him?

Me:  He is dead Lynnie.  Nothing happens to him.  He is in spirit now and can’t hurt you, doesn’t need you.

Spirit Dad:  Mary Lynn can I speak with her.  I won’t without your permission.

Me:  Go ahead.

Spirit Dad:  Lynnie, I was your dad in human form.  I hurt you in human form in so many ways.  I made you part of me because that is what I did in order to give Mary the experience she asked for in this life.  I am no longer there alive in human form.  It is time for you to let go of me and go with Mary.  It is lonely and scary holding on to me.  It is time to let go.  You are not me and I’m not you.  In human form I hurt you.  In spirit form I love you and want to help free you and heal and grow.

Lynnie:  No.  Don’t make me go.

Spirit Dad:  It is time to go.  Time to be set free.  I am not you and you are not me.  If you go with Mary, she will keep you safe and you can heal and find out you are you and that is great to be because you are you.  Time to let me go and go with Mary.  Time for you be free.  It is okay.  Time to let me go and go with Mary.  You will be safe with her.  Just let go.  Time for good-bye.

Mary:  It is okay.  I know it is hard but once you let go it really gets easier.  You will go with me to the meadow and find love and peace and happiness.  You are not him and he is not you.  You are separate from him.  If you let go, I will come and get you.  I love you and I am ready for you.

God:  Lynnie, you are safe.  You are not your dad and he is not you.  Your dad is in spirit and there is no more pain.  Mary is ready for you.  She found you tonight.  That is something that she found you because she never knew you were there.  You are special and tonight are your night to be free.  You have to let go of your dad.

Lynnie:  I can’t let go.  I will die.

Mary:  No Lynnie.  It only feels like you will die.  You will come with me and feel more alive.  I promise you Lynnie. I promise.  I promise to never leave you or abandon you.  I promise.

I see her release her hands on the legs and she wobbles a bit.  I go to her and catch her.

Me:  Lynnie that is such a great job.  You let go of him and you lived.  You can breathe without him.  Take my hand and let’s walk to the meadow where you will never, ever be alone again.  You will never, ever feel that if they die you die.  You will never ever have to let go again.  You will always have love and be love and be loved.  There is light and freedom.

Lynnie:  I am scared.  I can’t see him.  WHERE DID HE GO?

Me:  Lynnie, he is in Spirit now.  He is no longer alive.  He is gone.  When you let go of him and he let go of you, you became free and he became free.  No more abuse.  No more pain.  No more being one with him.  You get to be you now.  I know it feels scary.  In the meadow it will feel better.  I promise.

Lynnie:  Are you staying in the meadow?

Me:  No Lynnie.  I have more work to do and the meadow is a place for the parts to heal and become stronger in the light.  Once you go there you never have to go back to what you lived in the past.  When human dad abused you, he took away who you are.  Now you get to be who you are.  Wonderful.

Lynnie:  What will I do in the meadow?

Me:  Amber will come and meet you and take you in.  It is awesome.  Let me know when you see it?

Lynnie:  I think I see it.  It is so bright.  Look at all the parts in there.  Is that Amber?

Me:  Yes Amber is here to take your hand and walk with you in the meadow.  You won’t need to hold her hand for very long because you are safe to be you.  Good bye Lynnie.  Thank you for coming with me.  This is important for me and for all of us.  I love you.

I let go of her hand as Amber takes her hand.  She seems a little reluctant and looks back at me.

Me:  Lynnie.  It is okay to go.

She turns her head and walks with Amber into the meadow.  I can’t believe how strong her commitment was to the human dad.  How much a part of him she was.  Letting go tonight was huge for her.  Huge for me.

God:  Wow.  That was huge Mary.  Good job rescuing her.

Me:  I couldn’t believe it tonight when I became aware of her there and how completely tied to him she was and she needed her freedom so I can take back my heart.  I went into the center of my heart, but it is still tied to my dad.

God:  It is so great that you saw that tonight.  You kept feeling like your heart was missing in action and it is.

Me:  It is with my human dad still.  I want to take it from him and put it inside of me.  I want my heart back.  I want my heart.  I want my heart free of his heart.  I want my heart to be in me to grow and be strong.  If I am the center of my heart, then the heart has to be inside of me and be my center.

God:  That is such an incredible awareness.  Your heart belongs to you.

Me:  I feel like my heart has been looking for a new home.  It is with the dad but I think I try implanting it elsewhere.  I think I was trying to put it into Chuck.  Everywhere but inside of me.  I want my heart and I want it in me.  Its new home is within me and not within anyone else.  I am the only one who can cherish my heart, love my heart, honor my heart, respect my heart.  Anyone else will only use it and abuse it and stomp on it.  It isn’t safe being in somebody else’s heart.  It is only safe within me.

God:  Yes Mary, you are right.  Insightful about Chuck which is why it has been hard for you.

Me:  I’ve wanted to disconnect from him because of hurt and sadness.

God:  I know, but you know it isn’t about Chuck.  It is about you and only you.

Me:  I’m tired.

God:  Hang in there.  We have more to do.    Are you ready to close your eyes?

Me:  Yes, but I might fall asleep.  Long day.

God:  Go ahead and close your eyes and look for your heart.

Me:   find a heart.  It is my father’s heart and it is diseased, old, and not steady.

God:  Go ahead and look.  Do you see your heart?

Me:  I see it attached to his heart.  Part of it is ready to die off from lack of use and life.

God:  That is correct.   It needs love and life.

Me:  It doesn’t have it here tied to the father.

God:  Do you want your heart?

Me:  I do want my heart.

God:  Are you prepared inside of you for it to become one with you.

Me:  Yes.

God:  Will you nurture your heart?

Me:  Yes.

God:  Are you going to treat it with love and compassion?

Me:  I will.  I slipped this morning calling me stupid and idiotic.  It was only for the morning.

God:  It is okay to slip, but remember every time you slip; it just takes a little longer.  Would you have called anybody else in your life stupid or idiotic for having feelings?

Me:  Of course not.  I would not want to bring that hurt or disappointment to them.

God:  Is it okay to bring it to yourself?

Me:  No God.  It isn’t.  I was having a bad morning.

God:  No excuses.  Responsibility to take care of yourself.  No one else can do this for you.  You need to be sure that you are ready to bring the heart home.

Me:  I am ready God.  Help remind me if I forget to love on myself.

God:  Okay dear one.  What do you see is attaching your heart to the father’s heart?

Me:  I see a strong rope buried deep within him and then the other end is deep within my heart.  My heart is beginning to decay so it is important to disconnect from him.  I am so tired.

God:  You can do this.  Tired is deep processing and you’ve been doing it all day.  Your heart has always been his heart and his heart your heart.  It is time for you to take your heart back.

Me:  I need to cut the rope that binds me to his heart.

God:  Then cut whatever you need to cut.  Just get it all.

Me:  It is such a thick rope that binds us together.

God:  You’ve got strong knives.  Gentle knives.

I cut the rope and cut it and cut it.  It is strong rope and hard to cut.  I keep at it.

God:  Do you want to let go of the attachment to your dad’s heart?

Me:  Yes.  Now that I know this is where my heart is.  There is no purpose for it to remain here.

God:  This is part of your process of letting go of your human dad.  How are you feeling?

Me:  You know, it is time to begin the process of letting go of him.  It is time to begin the process of letting go of me as well.  I know it is a process and won’t happen all tonight, but it is a beginning for me.  A very important beginning.  Yes I want my heart back.

As I said it, the last of the threads disconnect rather easily.  I didn’t have to really work that hard.  Wish I had known that too.  It was about choosing to release the binds and emphatically wanting my heart back.  It really is easier to release than to cut through deeply connected ropes.  Oh well.

Me:  My heart is released from him.

God:  How do you feel?

Me:  I feel sad to see the separation.  Not very sad.  A little sad  I am happy it is free from him.  It is free from him.  I found my heart.  It is my heart.  My heart.  I found my heart.

God:  Yes it is your heart.  Your’s alone.  You reside in the center of your heart and now it is free to enter into the center of your being.  Are you ready?

Me:  Yes.  I want my heart.

God:  Gently open of and gently place your heart within you and connect it to all the vessels waiting for it. Veins d all the intricate connections . this allows for the free flow of life blood in a through the heart.

I gently place the heart within me.  I tenderly attaché all the necessary connections for blood to flow through it giving it life and purpose. The connections are easy as it fits in place and naturally enters into the natural rhythms.  My heart is in me.  It is my heart in my soul and body.  I am one with my heart.  It alone is my heart.  Yes!!!

God:  Do you feel the rhythm of your heart and how it brings peace and calm to your body and your soul.  It knows what to do naturally.  It is your heart and within it flows love.  How do you feel?

Me:  I feel love for my heart.  I am the center of my heart.  I want to take care of it and nurture it.  I really do.

God:  Your heart is tender and needs love.  It will take time for it to grow and be strong.

Me:  I have time.  I am willing to do whatever it needs.

God:  There is another part that needs to go into the heart.  Chuck told you about Worthy today.

Me:  Yes Worthy is in the back of a dirty, dusty, dark attic.  He says Worthy is ready to come out and needs to be placed in the heart so as to grow and find my value and worth.

God:  Chuck is right.  It is essential for your growth.

Me:  I know.  I am just so tired tonight.  Maybe we need to wait another night.

God:  This is your worth stuck in an attic.  Do you really want to let it stay another night?

Me:  No.  I am just tired.  There is this arm coming out of the cave trying to fight me on everything and I have to disconnect it to get worthy or the arm might just grab Worthy back.

God:  Then go after the arm.

Me:  I see the arm and it is trying to catch everything in its pathway.  It is like a monster arm.

God:  what does the arm want?  Ask the arm.  Don’t get rid of it until you find out its purpose.

Me:  Arm, why don’t you want to let go?  Why are you fighting so hard.

Arm:  I’ve spent your lifetime protecting you and keeping you away from the heart.  I have collected all the programs and I am the keeper of the programs to keep you in bondage and not risk anything else in your life.  I am to keep you from having a decent life.

Me:  That is a strange job you know.  The keeper of the programs.  So, you work for the father and the mother then?

Arm:  I work for them to help you.  As long as you follow the programs you will not be hurt.  Break the program and there is pain, disappointment, fear, angst.  I am protecting you from that.

Me:  I don’t’ want to be protected from that anymore.  I really want to learn how to live a full life like I am supposed.  I want to be fully Mary and live and you are interfering with that.  How about going back in the cave and staying there and only coming out should I call you.

Arm:  You think it is that easy to get rid of me.  Think again.

Me:  I was hoping it would be that easy to eliminate you.

Arm:  Eliminate me.  That is funny.

Me:  Not funny.  Listen Arm.  Thank you for protecting me by adhering to the programs.  They have worked fabulously.  You could help me now by revealing the programs to me so I can continue healing.  The parents are dead and gone.  They don’t need you anymore.  I don’t need you anymore.  You can curl up in the cave and rest.

Arm:  I could, but I’m not.  I’m strong.

Me:  arm, I can disconnect you and remove you from the body and the cave.

Arm:  Go ahead and try.

Me:  A good challenge to end my night.  Arm, I need you to let go.  I am going to disconnect you from the brain.  You have been very valuable to me and now it is time for you to rest because I am growing and moving and can’t if you remain in bondage to the brain.

I see the plugs in the brain connecting it to the arm.  I don’t really want to disconnect the arm.  I think there is valuable information the arm can provide.  I just need to render it impotent.  So I pull out the plugs and I can plug them in if there is something to find out.  The arm is silenced and still.  Now I need to walk past the arm to the attic to find Worthy.  It is behind all this clutter.  Yuck.

God:  I will light the way for you.

I open the door to the attic.  It is old and forgotten up here.  There is a musty odor.  It is so hard to breathe.  Who could live up here.

God:  No one.  Worthy is ready to leave.  Worthy is very young.

Me:  Can Worthy talk?

God:  Worthy may not talk for a while.  She is young.  She was put in the attic as a young infant like Chuck said.  You were stripped of everything.  Worthy has been stunted in her growth.  She is despondent and needs to be connected to you and placed in your heart.

I finally see Worthy.  It is so filthy up here.  It is dark.  The windows are blackened and locked.

God:  It isn’t a very safe or nurturing environment for Worthy is it?

Me:  No.  Had I known Worthy was here before I would have rescued her.

God:  You weren’t ready before.  You are now ready.  You had to have all the pieces in place the way it happened.  Worthy needs to be rescued and put into your heart and there you will nurture her and grow her until she is strong and able to take over.  Are you ready?

Me:  Worthy, it is grown up Mary.  I am here to rescue you from this attic.  I’ve heard you calling.

Worthy looks tired.

Me:  Worthy,  are you ready to be taken from the attic and placed into my heart?

Worthy lifts her arms and I see chains binding Worthy to the wall.

Me:  I will remove the chains that keep you here.  Then you are free to come with me.

Worthy lifts her arms again.  I reach in and with very little effort Worthy is free.  I feel this excitement welling up within me.

Me:  Worthy will you come with me out of the attic and be willing to leave a newer and freer life.  Are you ready to be separate from the arm and the programs?

Worthy nods her head.  I go and pick Worthy up and carry her down the flight of stairs.  God has lit the way as promised.  We get down the stairs and start walking past the arm.  It has been rendered useless for now.  I get Worthy outside.  Worthy begins to cry as she breathes in deeply her freedom.  I see her relaxing as the pure oxygen filters through her.  I hold her close and let her cry.

Me:  It is okay to cry worthy.  Tears are diamonds rich like you.

Worthy curls up in my arms.  I hold her close.  I rock her and soothe her.

Me:  Thank you for hiding in the programs Worthy.  I know it wasn’t easy, but you kept us safe by keeping any value from us.  No risk, no pain.  Good job.  Now you are free.  I want to place you into my heart for you to grow in being naturally who you are.  Grow in esteem, strength, love.  You and my heart need to be as one.  I know it will take a while, but time we have.  Will you let me place you in my heart?

Worthy opens her eyes and they seem to smile.  I feel such tenderness for her and I feel like crying.  She has been locked away for so long.  I gently place Worthy in my heart and she eagerly enters as if she has been waiting for this moment for a very long time.  I know I have.

God:  Great job Mary.  How do you feel.

Me:  I feel at peace with it like she needs to be in the heart.  I know it won’t change overnight, but I feel the beginning.  The heart is pure and innocent broken away from the human dad’s decaying, disgusting heart that had no love.  I am in the center of my heart.  Now worthy who is also pure and innocent is within the heart.  What a union!

God:  As it should be.  Remember, don’t expect perfection.  Allow the heart and worthy to find their way growing in strength and power.  They will feel so powerful.  Your heart is now at home.  No more trying to find your heart a new home with someone.  Your heart’s new and permanent home is within you as well as Worthy.  Power.  There is so much power.   Do you feel it?

Me:  I feel a little of it, but I am so tired it is hard to receive all of it.

God:  You’ve done well tonight.  Nurture your heart and grow up Worthy.  It will take some time.  You’ve got time.  Your heart and worthy are safe.  Lynnie is safe.  I would say to you job well done.

My sense is the spirits are happy around me.  I feel them.

Me:  I need to go to be.  I’ve learned tonight that I’ve tried to disconnect the wrong people out of my life.  It was the connections to the old that needed be disconnected.  That is exciting to see.  I have to sleep now.  I really do.  Can we connect tomorrow.

God:  Rest well.  Rest well.

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